Most of us do it. We compare ourselves to the “ideal” and we compare others to the idea, too. But this gets in the way of developing supportive relationships that help us too. Mary reminds us how not to isolate ourselves in a judgmental vacuum to get the support we need and to stop competin. – InPower Editors
Competition comes in two forms:
- Healthy competition.
Helps you see the impossible as possible. You know the rules and can find a way to win.
- Unhealthy competition.
It’s purely about winning. There are no clear rules to win except the end justifying the means.
The problem with competition, in general, is that it implies judgment
When anyone competes, there is a judge who will hold her to standards. The person who meets or exceeds those standards compared to the others, wins.
A group, in this case society, defines what those standards are. Society defines an ideal for how people should live, behave, look, etc.
Does competing and being judged benefit anyone? Well, healthy competition is key to a successful sales team because it creates possibility. It encourages people to continue doing what seems impossible because they know that others are going through something similar and are succeeding. If she can do it, so can I.
“Does competition & being judged benefit anyone? – @MFBrodie on #InPower #Women” – Click To Tweet
I think we have all experienced unhealthy competition. I know I have. There have been times where a woman will stare at my body and compare my hips or waist to her own. These women don’t just study me, they examine me, looking at my body part with a slight hint of disgust, as if my hips and waist proportions are something to hate. (For the record, I’m fairly proportional with slight fluctuations.) I feel ashamed after these experiences, as if there is something wrong with me for being me.
And when this happens at work – it feels just as awful:
Unhealthy workplace competition – the kind that puts individual glory over the greater good – has a deadly effect on trust and collaboration.
–Susan DiMickele, When is Healthy Competition Unhealthy?, QIdeas
Unhealthy competition originates in insecurity. If you aren’t secure in yourself and your decisions, you need validation that you are living your life okay.
“Women have high standards for themselves and yet often feel inadequate about their abilities at the same time. When they see another woman who’s able to meet that standard, it opens the door for them to judge.” (Tammy Whitten)
–Molly Smith, Women Judging Women, All Parenting
Sometimes women will lash out at the woman who made a different decision (judging her), to give herself comfort, rather than looking inside herself to learn why she is so bothered.
“When a woman chooses to work outside the home, she can be a threat to a woman who chooses to stay at home and vice versa. Even though both women choose, there can be guilt and concern that they will not be as good a mother, or as capable and independent a person as their stay-at-home or working outside the home counterpart.” (Toni Coleman)
–Molly Smith, Women Judging Women, All Parenting
We as women sometimes put ourselves into a trap that doesn’t allow growth, supportive relationships and true success. How can we get ourselves out of it?
Practice gratitude
When you practice gratitude you realize the wonderful things you have in your own life. Sure, we all have challenges — some more than others – but looking at what you have reminds you that you have unique gifts, situations and opportunities that others don’t have. There is no need to compete when you feel grateful. You feel satisfied and don’t feel that you have to search for more.
Support others and show compassion
Money isn’t required to support another woman. You can give her time, an ear, energy, a complement. Giving from your heart builds relationships and decreases competition. It builds compassion.
“We need to remind women, especially young women, about compassion and solidarity with each other. Studies show that the more empathy and compassion we have towards others, the less likely we are to judge them. The more we see the ‘other’ as a subject/individual not as an object to be evaluated, the more we are to understand and empathize with each other.” (Silvia M. Dutchevici)
–Molly Smith, Women Judging Women, All Parenting
Accept your faults and ask for help
Being happy is about accepting who you are – faults and all. Rather than getting angry with yourself for not doing something right, laugh it off and find another way to do it that leverages your strengths. This includes asking for help. Nothing builds relationships better than 2 (or more) collaborating. Shared experiences draws people closer together and will allow you to show off your strengths.
Admire other women
We all feel threatened by another woman from time to time. Rather than looking for her faults, why not try looking for what’s incredible about her? Maybe it is a quality or style that works for her that you could adopt and improve on the wonderful you. Let her existence help you be a better you.
Look for synergies
Remember, other women are just like you, looking for assurance that they are ok. And when you see similarities, the differences become opportunities to collaborate, fill in the missing pieces, and achieve dreams together.
Instead of looking for ways that you would ‘do it better than her’ or ‘how she’s making a mistake,’ try to find ways that you are both alike. When you feel connected and alike, it’s easy to learn from each other and to put those critical and judgmental feelings aside.
–Molly Smith, Women Judging Women, All Parenting
Social pressures aren’t going to change, but we can change how we react to them. Rather than competing and judging, we can find ways to each other and help ourselves achieve our dreams. If you are busy helping others, you don’t have time to think about how you compare.
We women have to remember, it’s not a competition out there – it’s an opportunity for collaboration.
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Guide to Women in Leadership
Organizations with women in their executive suites regularly out-perform others. Yet rising female executives (and their mentors) are frustrated at how hard it is to break through the glass ceiling. In this extensive guide, Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel into higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
