I originally had another blog planned for this week but after some great feedback from my last post I decided to write this one instead. While you all know that I am now a work at home Mom-preneur, this has only been my reality for a few years. Prior to this, I got up before the crack of dawn, got ready for work, checked emails, attempted to make it appear I cooked a homemade breakfast, used the pack of baby wipes I always carry with me to clean the oatmeal off of my skirt, got my daughter ready for school, pretended I wasn’t thinking about the meeting I was now five minutes late for as I kissed her good bye and dropped my three year old off for the next 10 hours.
Before I go any further, let me tell you how bad I was. When I interviewed for my last “traditional” job I knew it was important to connect to my interviewer so I told personal stories about my niece. Now, those who know me know I talk about her ALL THE TIME so that was normal. What wasn’t normal is that I didn’t once mention that I had a child of my own. I am, and always have been, beyond proud of my daughter and will always consider her my greatest success but at that time I was still the feminism gone wrong woman. I worried if they knew I had a child they would assume I would miss a lot of work and that I wouldn’t be as driven as my male counterparts, or as a woman who didn’t have children. I wanted to appear warm and open, (aka child friendly), without appearing saddled down.
The first time my boss came to my office after I finished decorating, she saw pictures of 2 girls and asked who the younger child was. When I quietly said “my daughter” she looked a little puzzled to say the least. That was the first and last time I didn’t proudly proclaim that I am a mom but I still felt that I didn’t have a choice. I really wanted this job and I didn’t know enough about the company to know if being a parent was viewed as an asset or a liability.
Tip #1:Research the company to learn their culture and philosophy on family.
Several professional magazines have lists of the best companies for families or working women. Talk to current employees and find out what kind of practices that company has. Do employees who leave for soccer games get talked about as soon as they walk out the door, do they offer benefits like sick child care, do they have an active bring your kid to work day program? All of these things give you an idea of the type of company you are working for and can help you make decisions about where you want to work in the future.
I was blessed to be a part of one of the most family and child friendly employers that I know of but even with that, I felt guilty. If I stayed until the end of the meeting I would be late picking my daughter up AGAIN. If I went to her school play I would miss the annual state of the company address from our President (and yes they seem to always fall on the same day). Our monthly department lunch inevitably fell on my daughter’s birthday and I was supposed to go eat lunch with her at school…and do you really want to hear about traveling for business and the “Niece’s birthday fiasco of 06” ???
I had 2 full-time jobs. One paid the bills (so that was super important) the other was the part of my life that I only had one chance to get right (did anyone tell you there are no do-overs when you have kids?).
Tip #2: Outsource!
Getting it all done doesn’t mean you have to do it all yourself. I didn’t have time to bake cookies for the bake sale but I could buy them and put them on a cute platter (the platter makes all the difference). I found a dinner delivery service so all I had to do was thaw out a meal, and we had a homemade meal every night, who cares that it wasn’t made in my home. I got a housekeeper twice a month because I wasn’t going to spend the few hours I had at home cleaning up. Most importantly, I learned asking for help was not only okay but essential. My sister went to school plays if I couldn’t. I picked a day care that a co-worker used so if one of us was late we could pick both girls up, go out to eat for dinner and give the other mom time to finish work, the kids never knew why they got a special treat of dinner out.
Tip #3: Work your kids into your work.
Another lesson I learned is that if I incorporated my daughter into my work she became an asset instead of a liability.
I mentioned her in stories that were relevant to what was going on at work (relevant is the key word, don’t become the parent that talks about everything your kid does, spitting peas at the family dog really isn’t cute to everyone). If I was conducting a training class on effective communication I told a story that involved her (and trust me, a 3-year-old gives you a lot of material). She instantly became the talk of the office and others saw that my experience as a mother made me a better employee.
In addition to working your kids into your work, see tip #4…
Tip #4: While at work don’t be afraid to do double duty.
When I traveled for work I would go to the bathroom during a business dinner to call my daughter to sing the good night songs. I used the time on the plane to write letters that I mailed daily (I left the first one with my mom or sister to read to her the first day I was gone). It got to the point that at one business dinner the entire table sang to her because they knew it was important to me and once it was done I could focus on work (plus it is the cutest song ever) and the assistant in the New York office would ask me for my letter every day to make sure I didn’t forget to mail it. Those couple of minutes during my work day kept me connected to my daughter and didn’t take away from my productivity.
Finally, and most importantly…
Tip #5: FORGIVE YOURSELF.
You only have 24 hours in a day and you can’t do everything all the time, guilt is one of the most over used emotions by those who want to do it all. Do the important stuff and quickly get over the rest. You may not be the Boy Scout troop leader but you can be the parent volunteer on a weekend camping trip. You may not be the last one in the office but you can answer an email after you get your little ones in bed. A happy mom is a successful one both at home and at work. Strive for that and the work-life balance that we all so desperately crave will come.
