Constructive vs Destructive Complaining

Admit it. Sometimes you just need to whine a bit. Complaining is a natural impulse to experiencing things that we don’t like. Mary gives us a great gift in helping distinguish constructive complaining from destructive complaining. Use her wisdom the next time you feel like whining! – InPower Editors

Two examples of Complaining

What’s the difference between these two complaints?

1. This process is ridiculous! I feel like we are wasting so much time. There has to be a better way for us to work.
2. Why do the executives change project direction at the 11th hour? Don’t they know they make our lives more difficult?

Complaint #1 sounds like something from a post-mortem – raising awareness of a process that needs to be streamlined.

Complaint #2 is about something that cannot be fixed. Sure, executives can be influenced to change, but that’s just not realistic. No one has control over them changing, which means no one can fix the problem. It’s part of the work environment.

Constructive Complaining

Sometimes we complain to figure out what the true problem is and imagine what a different world could be. I’m guilty of that. Actually, I have built my career on it. I have helped fix call center flows, Website content review processes, launch processes, etc. because I complained about inefficiencies and thought that there had to be a better way.

After taking a step back to look at what I do, you could say I take a 3-step approach to constructive complaining:

1. I’ll vent about a problem to colleagues and friends. While venting I’m trying to determine what exactly the problem is and looking at it from all angles. Lots of frustration and anger coming out, but it’s to get to the root of what’s really bugging me.
2. I’ll brainstorm solutions and mull over options to solve the problem.
3. I’ll discuss the problem and potential solutions with friends and colleagues to get their feedback and additional ideas. Sometimes, they will suggest solutions that I’ve already thought about and discarded for one reason or another. Sometimes, I get some great reasons why I shouldn’t fix something and then I’ll just accept the problem and continue on. I mean if you can’t change the situation, why complain about it, right? However, most times, a solution is defined and problem solved.

This process is usually productive and results in improvements and a lot of new ideas. And during this process, I typically raise awareness of a problem with others and allow the team to provide more solutions. Great for everyone!

Often, whining is constructive complaining in disguise. – via @MFBrodie – Click To Tweet

Destructive Complaining (Whining)

Destructive complaining could be described as complaining about a problem that you and your team cannot solve.

• Who will tell an executive to change his behavior?
• How can you change the weather?
• Can you send out a memo to get people to stop commuting to work at the times you travel there?

The answers to all of those questions are no. They are all destructive complaints.

There are times when whining is constructive complaining in disguise. Maybe you didn’t think something could be fixed, but while you were whining, someone offered an acceptable solution that you never considered? Talk about a twist!

But this is rarely the case. Most whiners reject all solutions provided to them. For example, let’s say someone complains about the company’s logo. You suggest that the person talk to someone in the marketing team, and you provide a name and number. Or go learn about logo design and branding. Or find a designer to create a new one. Every option is rejected and the person continues complaining about the company logo. There is no satisfaction.

Over at Psychology Today, F. Diane Barth gave 3 reasons why people whine:

1. They are deeply distressed by something that they feel powerless to change
2. They feel simultaneously angry and sad about the situation and worry that it is their own fault
3. They do not know how to soothe themselves

However, I think there is another reason why whiners exist – some people just like to whine. It brings them a weird comfort to believe that happiness is always out of reach.

Whining destroys the brain. – Click To Tweet

Whining is destructive because it not only contributes to a negative work environment, but it simply destroys the brain:

 A 2011 research study by Thomas Straube of the University of Muenster and another by Go Okada of Hiroshima University concluded that exposure to negative words impairs the formation of memory associations critical to productive work; research conducted by Stanford University’s Robert Sapolsky shows how stress from negative influences can shrink the hippocampus, the very part of the brain required to solve problems and drive initiatives. So a bitch session isn’t only unproductive, it’s counter-productive, depressing cognitive function and dampening can-do spirit.

– How Positivity Drives Productivity, Caroline L. Arnold

Only the whiner can change his or her outlook on life. F. Diane Barth outlined 4 ways to handle whiners and not be drained, but you can’t “fix” them on your own. Whining is a choice. A choice you may not understand, but a choice nevertheless.

Parents can prevent adult whining through conditioning. I think I don’t whine because my mother didn’t tolerate it. As a child, if I started whining for something to eat or drink, she’d tell me to either make a request (go get a solution) or stop. And if I was told no, I could try again, but most times the answer was firm, I had to accept the situation, and stop whining. I lived in a no-whine zone.

Complaining isn’t always horrible. Complaining to find a solution is constructive and can broaden someone’s mind as he considers various solutions. Complaining to complain is destructive – and not only to those listening, but to the whiner himself, and limits his options. To complain or not to complain – it’s a choice that is really up to you. And I choose constructive complaining.

Updated-Originally published September 2014