How To Psyche Yourself Up For Difficult Conversations

By: Mary Schaefer

What do you do when you’re really ticked off

A client asked me for coaching to help deal with having difficult conversations a colleague. The colleague made false accusations, talked about him behind his back and micromanaged. Overall he made him look bad. We talked over several ways to deal with the situation.

My client knew some of the options he considered were vengeful and accusatory. They would just escalate the tension. He knew he needed to “get his head in the right place” before initiating any discussion. I call this “psyching yourself up for the interaction.”

Get your mindset right

You can then approach, listen and interact with the other person from a place of curiosity. You take responsibility for your interpretations, rather than accusing and blaming.

Just how do you psyche yourself up to be there? Wouldn’t you just be fooling yourself? What if they ARE out to get you? That’s an understandable response.

Your conclusions about the situation may be right on target. You can’t know for sure until you talk to the person about it and have the difficult conversations. But you certainly can’t approach them while you are seething, if you want a chance at a positive result.

They may never admit their intentions. And, approaching the situation in a non-accusatory way will more likely salvage the relationship.

You my not care to salvage the relationship. But you will have spoken your truth in a way that is respectful — even if you believe the other person doesn’t deserve it.

Seven key points for psyching yourself up for difficult conversations

As difficult as these questions may be to answer, take some time to think about your responses. These questions aren’t intended to get you to back off.

There’s no need to be a doormat. Take responsibility for what’s yours. but nothing more. You want to get to a place where you can compassionately express your concerns. You want to be open to the other person’s side of it. Ask yourself:

1. What do I like about the other person? Does the individual have any redeeming qualities that I can admit? The person may be picky. Can passion for attention-to-detail add to our collaborative efforts?
2. In what ways might this person be right about this situation? Is there something I don’t want to admit I’m responsible for? Maybe I should have communicated sooner. And even if I don’t think so, would it be that difficult to communicate more often or in more detail?
3. Is there more than one explanation for the other person’s behavior? For instance, he or she may be threatened by my expertise or knowledge. This is not an excuse but an explanation. This may help diffuse the intensity of your anger, feeling of betrayal, etc.
4. What assumptions am I making? Do I know for sure that anyone talked about me behind my back?
5. Where might I be wrong? I’ve been building this story without checking on facts and motivations.
6. What do I value about the relationship? This person is not going away. We’re going to be working together for the length of this project. We need each other’s unique expertise.
7. What is my goal? What do I have control over? I know. The only thing I have control over is what I do with this. I need to be clear on my intention for the discussion, and my own standards for myself.

Now, you’re all ready, right? Don’t expect to do this perfectly. Even a little effort can make a difference.

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