I often tell my seminar audiences that nothing riles us up faster than perceived disrespect.
I see this so often it would be comical were it not for how quickly our perceptions can morph into all-out drama.
Take this IM exchange sent to me from a manager recently – which I’m publishing with his permission although the names and identifying details have been changed.
This is a classic example of what happens when we allow emotion to cloud judgment and, as you read, pay special attention to how fast the conversation devolves into anger. (Warning: I didn’t edit all of the offensive language.)
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HEY THERE IS A GUY IN HERE AND HE NEEDS TO GET THE SHIPMENT FOR MONDAY
Hall, Tamara [9:19 AM]:
I am with the rep working on something give me just a sec
Willard, Kathy [9:19 AM]:
THE REP HAS TO COME SECOND
Hall, Tamara [9:19 AM]:
excuse me?
Willard, Kathy [9:19 AM]:
YES
Hall, Tamara [9:19 AM]:
I understand that and I will help them. Do not talk to me like that
Willard, Kathy [9:20 AM]:
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU LIKE ANYTHING. IM JUST FOLLOWING EXPECTATIONS. IM ALLOWED TO HAVE AN OPINION GIRL. WE ARE EQUALS, YOUR NOT MY BOSS AND IM NOT YOURS.
Hall, Tamara [10:49 AM]:
We need to talk when you have a second
Willard, Kathy [10:49 AM]:
NO, WE DONT. IM IN A TERRIBLE MOOD AND DIDNT MEAN ANYTHING BUY IT GIRL. JUST LET IT GO PLEASE.
Hall, Tamara [10:50 AM]:
I know you are and I am trying to let it go, but that was unnecessary. We are equals. I will not talk to you like that out of respect and I expect the same. I know the rules and I asked you to give me a sec so they weren’t expecting me immediately
Willard, Kathy [10:51 AM]:
I SAID IT BEFORE U ASKED FOR A SEC…THERE IN LIES THE MISUNDERSTANDING. NO BIG DEAL.
Hall, Tamara [10:51 AM]:
Yes, it is a big deal and you continued to disrespect me after that. I won’t accept that
Willard, Kathy [10:52 AM]:
NO I DIDNT. I HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL YOU THAT A REP COMES SECOND. IM DONE WITH THIS CONVERSATION. I MENTALLY CANT HANDLE THE CONFRONTATION TODAY SO PLEASE LET IT GO
Hall, Tamara [10:53 AM]:
As long as I know it won’t happen again. If we need to revisit it another day, so be it. Just know that I may seem passive, but I will not tolerate disrespect
Willard, Kathy [10:55 AM]:
AND NEITHER WILL I. DO NOT BE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE THAT CAN NOT TAKE ONE CROSS WORD OR MISUNDERSTAND EVERYTHING BC IM NOT GONNA APOLOGIZE FOR SOMETHING I DIDNT DO. HONESTLY JUST DEAL WITH IT. THERE WAS NO INTENT TO RUFFLE YOUR FEATHERS
Hall, Tamara [10:57 AM]:
If you don’t understand, that’s fine. But I will call you out if I feel disrespected. We have to work together and we all have a lot on our plate. Watch your delivery and it won’t be misunderstood.
Willard, Kathy [10:58 AM]:
I CANT STAND PEOPLE THAT DONT LET ANYTHING ROLL OFF THEIR BACKS BC I LET JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT COMES AT ME ROLL OFF MINE AND IF I CAME ACROSS WRONG THEN I APOLOGIZE BUT WE SHOULD REALLY PICK AND CHOOSE OUR BATTLES.
Hall, Tamara [11:03 AM]:
I can let things roll off my back, but there is a fine line and I’ll let you know. You’ve had smart remarks in the past and I’ve never said anything, but I felt very disrespected. Just know that if you feel we are equals, you must treat me the same
Willard, Kathy [11:03 AM]:
I HAVE NO CLUE WHATS WRONG WITH ME SO PLEASE JUST DISREGARD ME TILL I WORK THIS SHIT OUT. ITS DEF NOT PERSONAL
Hall, Tamara [11:05 AM]:
deal
Willard, Kathy [11:05 AM]:
TY
Hall, Tamara [11:05 AM]:
yw
Willard, Kathy [11:05 AM]:
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Woooooow, right?!
I suppose this is the part where I should tell you these are two adult women who sit less than 20 feet from each other in the same room.
That’s right, the same room.
And yet – according to the time stamps – each allowed this heated exchange to go on for almost two hours without actually getting up and addressing it in person.
To be honest, as recently as a few years ago, I probably would have read this and dismissed it as a routine employee squabble, but things are different now.
For the first time in a decade of this work, one of my clients had a fatal workplace shooting.
Since Sandy Hook, we’ve had 74 school shootings in the US and don’t get me started on the atrocities happening around the globe.
Indeed, things are different now.
In Who Says It’s a Man’s World I wrote about a Gallup poll that stated one in four US employees has “a constant feeling of work-related anger.”
Granted, we’re not all walking around like ticking time bombs, but I think instances like the one above show us how – as Gandhi said – “An eye for an eye will leave the whole world blind.”
So it’s time to interrupt the story.
It’s time to rise above the pettiness.
Time to let go of the grievances.
In other words, it’s time to see other people for the potential that lives within them versus the behaviors that currently consume them.
After all, most of us don’t intentionally set out to annoy, frustrate, hurt, or betray. We just act out of our level of consciousness in the moment without thinking through the collateral damage.
Of course, this doesn’t mean you have to accept their behavior. It only means you have to let go of the anger and judgment surrounding it.
It means you have to elevate the conversation versus piling on to the rage.
Because at that point maybe – just maybe – you might be able to communicate with people from a place where they actually hear you.
And you know what that’s called?
Leadership.
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