I have been monitoring the conversations on MARC with interest and enjoying the view of “women’s issues” from a completely different—and unfeminine—perspective. Recently, Amitabh Kumar’s thoughtful post about men speaking up against violence against women caught my attention.
I sit on the board of DASH, a domestic violence transitional housing program, and within the last few years I’ve helped them review, revise and expand their strategic plan. In revising their strategic scope, we quickly surfaced the reality that men are not always the perpetrators of domestic violence, nor are women always the victims, especially in homosexual relationships. We also struggled to factor in the so-called “bystander” problem and how we can help women and men who are not directly involved in domestic violence intervene and become involved appropriately. While we settled on education as a function the organization could perform, I was reminded of just how difficult it is to know how to be constructive bystander when I read Amitabh’s article.
I have been lucky to be able to help women heal from domestic violence after the fact. I’m not aware of any situation where I was a bystander to it while it was going on—though I’m sure I must have been.
I’m more aware of how I am a bystander to subtle sexism, even when I try not to be. I’m also aware that very few men and women I work with are intentional sexists, but this doesn’t mean they aren’t accidentally sexist sometimes. Recently I was invited to participate in a conference planning exercise. When we brainstormed speakers, I continuously brought up the need to invite female speakers in this niche industry, and yet no individuals came to my mind (or anyone else’s). When I left the meeting, I should have done some research and proposed a few, but I got busy and it never happened. The four hour, 16 speaker event only included one woman, who was drowned out by the two fairly noisy men on her panel. I was a useless bystander in helping women gain exposure in this event.
In my own work with InPower Women I am working to help encourage women to step up into their own ability to be powerful. I like to celebrate the courage of the women who do this and the men who take opportunities to help them. But I am a bit flummoxed on the best strategies to address the bystander problem. Here are some of the suggestions I’m giving myself after my most recent bystander experience.
- Count heads & educate – if there aren’t at least 30% of either gender involved, explain to everyone the benefits of diverse thinking and perspectives that comes from such a breakdown.
- Know names – have some names at hand of women who should be included in a particular discussion, group or position; get your own short list of women/people to promote.
- Be sneaky – while sometimes it’s good to educate others about why including a mix of women and men is healthy, sometimes it’s not necessary; just proceed as though promoting women is the natural thing to do—because it is.
The last point came to me after reflection. The point of battling sexism in my mind is to model non-sexist behavior as if it’s “normal” and because “it works.” The outcome has to be effective or it just gives women and equality a bad name if we’re not careful. If it’s a situation where you risk discrediting the woman, yourself or the situation by making it “about equality instead of quality,” don’t bother.
And in some ways, the most important time to demonstrate the effectiveness of equality may come after the fact, when the inclusion of women has worked, because then it’s a perfect time to circle back and give voice to the fact that picking a woman/women was the right choice. Note how “Sheila was a great hire,” ask your colleagues if “they know any other great women like Sheila to add to the team,” or ask the HR department if they can “find any more Sheila’s to mentor and nurture into senior management.” These kinds of acknowledgements help drive home the fact that a successful leader can look like a woman as easily as a man.
What other ideas do you have for ways to battle subtle sexism and bystanding? I’m all ears!
This post was originally published on theMARC.
