Crying at Work – And Other Emotionally Intelligent Career Advancement Strategies

I’m not a cryer, but that doesn’t mean I’ve never found myself crying at work – or wanting to very, very, very, badly. Harsh judgements, bullies, layoffs, no sleep, big risks gone sideways, bad personal news crashing into our workdays…there are many good reasons that tears are an appropriate response to the lives we lead in the workplace. And although everyone experiences this, our workplace cultures are pretty terrible at guiding us about how to handle tearful emotions constructively.

As potentially the only positive outcome of our collective pandemic trauma, we are beginning to see emotionally intelligent ways of thinking about stress, grief and overwhelming uncertainty at the office evolve. The rethinking of work as a place of pure rationality has surfaced the idea that crying at work may not be the career-ending behavior it used to be. This is welcome news to many people too-often dismissed for “sensitive personalities” at the office especially, women. 

Yet we still don’t have much culturally appropriate guidance for how to think about crying at work in the context of our career and personal brand development. So in the article below, we’ll explore this in the hopes that you can walk away with some new assumptions and mindsets to try out, both when faced with someone on the brink of (or over the edge of) tears, or when the tears well up within you. 

Crying at work: myth vs. reality 

I’ve had more than one client ask me, “Is it okay if I cry at work?” The answer is complex: No, if it demonstrates a lack of control you can’t recover from right away (which doesn’t mean you can’t recover later). Yes, if it’s a genuine expression of emotion that builds trust and appropriate vulnerability with colleagues. Maybe/maybe not if you’re working in a culture that doesn’t make room for such vulnerability. 

When thinking about behaviors that are culturally accepted and expected in a workplace environment vs. those that are not, we all have a lot to unpack, especially the myriad of assumptions and beliefs we’ve never questioned. 

In the realm of our emotional reality, researchers have dubbed some of these cultural norms and expectations “feeling rules.” This is especially complicated because our workplace cultures–which we rarely interrogate or seek to evolve–largely default to the “white male standard.” This leads to feeling rules that allow (and sometimes reward) emotions like hostility, competitiveness, greed and pride, while penalizing emotions perceived as opposite of these things like appreciation, trust, nurturing and responsiveness.

In addition to putting greater value on emotional expression that skews male, the feeling rules are different depending on your gender. For example, men can be rewarded for angry outbursts while women are penalized for it. Specifically, the “feeling rules” for women mean that when women cry at work for personal reasons (death in family, sick child) they get a pass, but when they cry for work-related reasons such as stressful situations or setbacks, colleagues see them as weak, unprofessional or manipulative. And in a reverse discrimination dynamic,  men are often discouraged from crying, especially in female-stereotyped circumstances and by other men. 

These feeling rules are changing, and there are many nuances that can lead one tearful incident to increase people’s respect for you (e.g., tearing up in a moving tribute to a colleague) while others may hurt your credibility (e.g., accepting and dealing with work+life overwhelm in a high-stakes business interaction). So to understand the nuances of the cultural reality where you work, you need to look at subtleties and be honest with yourself about what is truly “allowed” where you are, instead of simply assuming that any tear is an automatic sign of weakness.

In the best of circumstances, regardless of the feeling rules for those around you, you can manage your emotions with intelligence, strength and authentic honesty, role modeling for others how an effective person can cry at work and still be a productive and strong leader.

Photo by Tom Pumford

The surprising benefits of a good cry

For those unsure that crying is all that necessary, let’s start with the basics. Crying is a physiological response to both physical and emotional stimuli. Our bodies don’t do things randomly, they respond to the world in ways that keep us healthy. Some of the clearest health benefits of crying include:

• Emotional regulation and self-soothing
• Pain and stress relief by releasing the “feel good” hormones oxytocin and endorphins in the body
• Release of toxins and reduced bacteria 

In the workplace context, the first benefit, emotional regulation and self-soothing, are critical strategies (which may or may not include tears) for establishing Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is highly correlated with both life and work success. Foundational to a person’s ability to improve their EQ is the ability to be self-aware of your own emotions and thoughts. An even more advanced state of EQ gives you insight into how the heart- and mind-based dimensions of consciousness interact. 

Self-awareness when you are feeling emotions worthy of tears (e.g., sadness, grief, overwhelm, helplessness, anger, frustration, guilt, shame, anxiety and extreme happiness) might offer you the opportunity to shed some tears as a way of letting the strong, potentially unhelpful or destructive emotions, pass through you. Crying requires that you acknowledge and experience the emotion in your current circumstance. Once you’ve been present with the emotion which causes the tears, the emotion evolves, often transforming entirely into a more manageable feeling. 

If you’ve spent a lifetime suppressing tears, as many of us have, you may rarely have experienced the profound relief of simply allowing yourself to feel what you feel very intensely, releasing the intensity of it and leaving behind a greater understanding of why you feel it so deeply. Crying gives you this opportunity. And when you feel so deeply, your body, heart and mind don’t care whether you’re sitting at your desk, driving in your car, presenting in a meeting or lying in a lover’s embrace. You just do.

So what does all this EQ stuff have to do with crying? Crying is simply one of many, many, many forms of emotional expression. Emotional expressions, like all expressions, carry information to help you and others make decisions. When you learn to view tears in this context, they lose their stigma and become information you can use to manage your own emotional state, your response to others’ emotional states, and interactions between everyone.

Crying also has the social benefit of alerting others to the fact that you are under duress and that they may need support. Of course, in highly competitive workplace cultures and social systems, the need for support can also be viewed as a sign of vulnerability, which can be preyed upon by low-EQ colleagues. 

Regardless of your workplace culture, if you assume that all your colleagues are weakness-averse this can lead you to repress natural, healthy emotional responses in situations where people would be very willing to give you support without thinking less of you. The lesson here is to use your judgment and learn when, and with whom, you can safely offer your body and heart the healthy healing it needs from time-to-time. 

Is my career over if I cry at work?

Basically, no. While crying won’t always help you in the eyes of others, it’s rarely the career-ending event many of us fear. A lot of the time, though, the extent to which crying at work can hurt or be a neutral event in your career depends on how you react after the tears have spilled, or when others around you struggle to contain their emotions. 

As with many interpersonal “oopses” and conflicts, other people are more likely to adjust their opinion of you based on how you recover, than based on what caused the need for recovery in the first place. In other words, if you cry, be intentional about how you let others observe you recovering from it. 

• If a bully or troll lashes out at you and you cower, get defensive or dissemble, everyone sees you as vulnerable, but if you ignore them (genuinely) they see you as strong and centered.
• If you scream in anger and lash out at others, they see you as out-of-control and immature, but if you calm yourself and speak normally while offering reasonable ideas, while conveying your disappointment or frustration, they see you as mature and constructive.
• If you cry at a sad event, prove yourself unable to focus on the topic and force everyone else to stop to help you or indulge your emotions, they may see you as insecure, but when you quickly regain your composure, assuring others you’re ok/the feeling has passed and guiding the group back to the topic at hand, they see you as strong and centered.

It should come as no surprise that people with a reputation for strength, centeredness, maturity and constructive communications gain some personal brandshine over those who do not display these abilities, regardless of the reason–even crying.

People are generally more understanding and empathetic than you imagine they are. Most of the time they will take their cues on how to think about you from you. So if you want to be authentic, sometimes vulnerable, always strong – be that way, and that’s how most people will see you.

What should I do if I cry at work?

Achieving EQ and emotional maturity is, of course, hard work. It takes time and every crying incident is an opportunity to master it. In the moment it can be challenging but try these strategies when you can.

When you have to deal with tears at the office, the most important things to do are to manage it as best you can in the moment and then follow up with some repair work.

In-the-moment strategies:

• If possible, consider excusing yourself to leave the room until you’ve had an unfettered cry in private and pulled yourself back together.
• When this isn’t possible or appropriate, signal that you’re taking a break, let the emotions come and simply experience them (with as little embarrassment and shame piling on top of the instigating emotions as you can). Take a deep breath and signal to people when you’re ok to continue. If you want to share what the emotions are about, feel free, but keep it brief and help yourself and others get back on topic as quickly as possible.
• Try to help people understand the meaning of your tears. Specifically, what do you value so much that it produces this intense reaction?
• Tell people what (if anything) you’d like them to do to support you. If it’s just asking them to wait while you manage it, that’s fine. When you are explicit with the support you want, people feel less helpless and less uncomfortable.
• Leave the interaction on a positive and business-focused note. For example, if you cried because of bad feedback, don’t defend yourself in the moment, thank them and tell them you’re going to process what they said and get back to them later. 

After-the-fact strategies for repair:

• Start by repairing your own experience, especially if you’re feeling particularly embarrassed or ashamed. Reframe your own story about what happened, why and what it meant. For example, tell yourself and others you trust that you didn’t have a “breakdown,” you had a “difficult few moments.” Shift from feeling like you “failed to control yourself and succumbed to” tears to something more positive, like “accepting your feelings and dealing with them so you could focus again as quickly as possible. 
• Follow up within 24-48 hours in a totally business context, without reference to the crying event, to demonstrate to them you’re on your game.
• Tell people you trust privately more about your emotional experience to assure them you’re ok and can handle it. This may help them counter any negative gossip.
• If you still need support, ask for it. Be as specific as you can and ask for things people have the power and ability to give you. (E.g., If you need some days off, ask for it. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with work, ask your boss to accept that you will be prioritizing your work more carefully to prevent overwhelm and burnout.)

How to React When Your Coworker Cries at the Office

Many people feel even more uncomfortable when a colleague breaks out in tears than when they struggle with their own emotions. This is because when someone else is struggling emotionally we feel helpless. At least if we’re the one crying, we know what to do! When someone else is experiencing intense emotions, we can feel as though it is our job to make it all “okay.” But it’s not our job to fix it (or them). Our job is simply to be patient and understanding. 

In these situations when someone else cries, as when we’re the one struggling, it’s best to:

• Simply pause and allow the person to experience what they feel. Define success as “them processing so they can get back on task,” not “fixing the problem and making it stop.”
• Tell them, “It’s ok, let me know when you’re ready to move on.” Don’t rush to try to help or fix it, just wait patiently and with the understanding that everyone experiences intense emotions, including yourself sometimes. 
• Don’t put your discomfort on them, blame them or shame them. Just breathe through it and wait.
• When appropriate, ask them if they need support or are ready to move on.
• If they ask for help you can provide (e.g., leave the room or come back to this item on the agenda in 10 min), give it to them. If not, offer as reasonable an alternative as you can.
• When they’re ready to move on, do so and don’t treat them with “kid gloves,” just treat them as a normal person who had an abnormal moment.

For many of us, the hardest part of this process is managing our own discomfort. After all, discomfort is inherently uncomfortable! Be sure that the way you handle your own feelings isn’t to blame someone else. Some will feel uncomfortable around others who weep, while others will feel nothing but compassion. Accept that what you feel is what it is and just feel it (like the person crying is trying to do in front of you.)

Most importantly, be very aware of how their tears make you see them differently, or not. Be aware that you may be judging them as “weak” or “unable to hack it,” which is often untrue and unfair. Interrogate your own beliefs about their crying and about them and try to be honest if you find yourself judging them more harshly than necessary, or than you might judge someone else. It’s reasonable to consider emotional responses, especially if frequent, as part of how you evaluate someone’s effectiveness at their job, but this is very job- and situation-dependent. Don’t be overly critical.

Especially, don’t allow yourself to disqualify someone for a job they’re likely to be very good at, simply because they’re willing to be authentic and human in public. Be honest with yourself if you’re too harsh, or applying your judgment unfairly (e.g., giving a man with regular toxic behavior a pass and penalizing a woman for crying once in a blue moon.) Be supportive of them to help their talent and potential come into being. Role model Emotional Intelligence for them and give them feedback that is respectful and helps them build their own EQ, which may be helping them learn how to handle crying in the moment with grace (forward them this article!)

For more on how not to judge people when you find them crying at work, and in many other circumstances, watch this video.