Do you ever feel stuck in your negative thoughts? Join the club! When we think about the future through the lens of the past it’s easy to let negativity rule. Emily gives us some great insight into how to shut up your inner mean girl. – InPower Editors
In my group coaching sessions, I ask participants to keep a worksheet called Where Are Your Thoughts?
It’s a quadrant where each box is labeled either past, future, emotional, or strategic, and every time members “catch” themselves in one of these states, they are asked to place a dot in the corresponding box.
Not surprisingly, the past and future boxes fill up quick.
For many, entire days are spent fretting about things that have already happened or worrying about what could happen.
We do this in big ways, obviously, but we do it in smaller, more subtle ways too.
For example, I got an email recently from a friend with the subject line “Mean Girl.”
She wrote that she was approached on the street by a man she assumed was going to ask for money.
After she barked at him, she realized he was asking for directions.
“He was nice even though I was rude,” her message read. “Help me understand.”
This is a classic example of what happens when we lose our moment-by-moment awareness. We tend to react based on what we THINK will happen versus respond to what is ACTUALLY happening.
Another example: In my old job working for an accounting firm, whenever I got a call I would immediately check the ID.
If it was someone I liked, I would answer with enthusiasm.
With everyone else, my mind was already spinning into worst-case scenarios.
“Ugh. He’s going to give me another assignment that’s due yesterday.”
Before the phone could even ring twice, I had not only made a judgment about why the person was calling, but I allowed that judgment to control my attitude.
All of this, of course, was happening completely outside my frame of self-awareness.
In my mind, I was the “victim” and therefore entitled to be grumpy because HE SHOULD KNOW not to give me assignments at the last minute.
In truth, I was just making an assumption based on the past.
I mean, how could I know why he was calling? I hadn’t even picked up the phone yet.
But do you see what’s really happening here?
By bringing the past into the present, all we do is program the future to be exactly the same.
In other words, by refusing to let go of resentment towards my coworkers for behaviors of the past, I allowed that resentment to affect how I treated them in the present (i.e. not always that kindly) which meant I was subconsciously keeping our future relationship stuck in the same place.
They don’t call this work leadership presence for nothing.
Because true presence is dealing with what is happening in the moment versus staying stuck in the story we’re telling ourselves about it.
So whether it’s a guy on the street asking for directions or a woman in your office who knows exactly how to push your buttons….these aren’t just random annoyances.
They are opportunities to make tomorrow different by owning your choices today.
Don’t miss them.
Originally on: Emily Bennington
