How many times do you react without thinking and wish you’d had the ability to stop and choose your response more intentionally? Don’t feel alone if you said “too many times!” Sameer gives some great advice and perspective on this all-too-common challenge to developing your personal power in the world. – InPower Editor
One of the great gifts of my training as a martial artist has been the cultivation of conscious choice. By this I mean my ability to choose my response in a given situation versus react to it. This is one of the hardest and most rewarding disciplines to develop both on and off the mat. We all have physical and mental habits that we’ve developed over a lifetime that are triggered when faced with a particular stimulus. Martial artists spend years developing the awareness and subsequent physical response to choose how they respond to an attack rather than react to it. A typical reaction when faced with an attack would be to tense-up, hold your breath, and resist. This is normal. Our body’s fight or flight response of the sympathetic nervous system kicks in to keep us alive. We are hard wired to do this in cases of extreme life or death situations like when our cavemen ancestors had to fend off a hungry saber toothed tiger. I can’t remember the last time I had to fend off a saber-toothed tiger, but circumstances in our daily lives seem to get the best of us and cause these same survival instincts to hijack our ability to choose. So if a part of us is hard wired to react as a survival mechanism, then how do we override this?
First, realize that you always have a choice. In his book, Man’s Search for Meaning, Vicktor Frankl states that, “everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”[1] Whether I counter my opponent’s punch with a throw, or my contractor’s tardiness with rebuke, I can always choose. Sometimes my choices in the moment aren’t the most effective. I could have used my attacker’s force to throw him rather than hold my ground and get hit. Had I asked my contractor why he was late, I would have found out that he was in the hospital with his father who is terminally ill. Instead, I chose to be angry with him and dismiss him as irresponsible. In these situations, I didn’t choose. I reacted. So what’s the difference?
Personal Power Tip: How to Respond Instead of React – Click To Tweet
To me, the fundamental difference between a reaction and a response is a conscious choice. A reaction is a reflex born out of habit. A response is a conscious choice born out of being present and aware in the moment. In his book, Cheng Hsin: The Principles of Effortless Power, Peter Ralston eloquently describes this difference:
A response is born of calm mind and sensitive awareness. It is accurate and emerges from a state of equilibrium and balance. It is not locked or forced and occurs spontaneously with no fear, desire or consideration, but with great intelligence and “in-tunement”. What is needed and appropriate simply occurs.
A reaction is born of urges and tendencies, and of unconsciousness, separative viewpoint, and unstable mind. It is oppressed by fears, desires, and considerations prior to and following its appearance. When it occurs, it is a blind thrashing of the unconscious tendency toward protection. Reaction is contractive in nature. It is a withdrawal of sensitivity and relational awareness to act, often in a negative fashion, in an attempt to solve or end (destroy) the apparent source of immediate danger or dilemma. There is no participation in or responsibility for that act, and no real sense of what is appropriate.[2]
The somatic results of a reaction and a response are also different. When we respond to a situation with the qualities that Ralston describes above, we are calm, centered, aware, and open. Our breathing is natural, full and deep. Our muscles are relaxed and supple and our skeletal structure is in alignment. Our body is not fighting with gravity to keep it aligned and balanced. The body can move with ease and generate power with effective motion as needed. Ironically, the appropriate action or answer “simply occurs”. This is synonymous to what artists and athletes refer to as “flow” or being “in the zone”. Spontaneous, creative and appropriate action arises because we get out of our own way.
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Recall a time when you were able to truly respond to a situation. This may be difficult because you did it with such ease that it seemed natural and un-impressive; almost forgettable. Such is the feeling of a genuine response. It’s done with such ease and spontaneity that it seems too easy. It may even leave you surprised by your own ability. Your response allowed the appropriate action or outcome to arise. When we react, the body feels and moves differently. Muscular tension, shallow breathing, physical discomfort and even pain can arise, and are usually driven by the emotions of fear and anger. We have to physically and mentally work harder to produce, ironically, a less than optimal result. This is the exact opposite of flow or being in the zone.
The body doesn’t lie. It is a tool to understanding our thoughts, and emotions that motivate out actions. The next time you catch yourself reacting, look for the physical clues. They will all refer to your reactive behavior. In that moment, STOP and BREATHE! When you truly respond, you realize that there is no saber-toothed tiger to fight.
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[1] Victor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning, 3rd ed. (New York: Simon & Schuster, Inc., 1984), 75
[2] Peter Ralston, Cheng Hsin: The Principles of Effortless Power, 2nd ed. (Berkley, California: Blue Snake Books, 1999), 47
My experience as a martial artist, yogi, and athlete has made me not only a more effective businessman, but also a better person in other areas of my life. From the first day I stepped foot in the Aikido dojo or on my yoga mat to now, I have witnessed a profound change in myself. Over 20 years, the fearful, self-doubting, stressed-out, defensive, and egotistical me was kicked, punched, thrown, stretched, and bent into a more fearless, confident, calm, centered, and empowered person. Have I arrived? Am I a self-actualized being with no more fear, worry, doubt, and anger? Absolutely not! Like you, I face these challenges every day. But my training and experience has shown me a better way to face these challenges and achieve my goals. Visit Sameer’s website.
