Take Back Your Power – Watch Your Language

Personal power (InPower) is not something we’re born with, it’s something we master – like learning to balance on one foot – as we progress on our journey to lead change in the world. First we master it for ourselves, and then we use it as we work with others, helping them access it personally and in a group, together applying it in combination with external power to change the world for the better.

InPower is not easy to see, like external power is, but it is easy to feel. Lucky for us, we humans were given some sure-fire indicators of when we are in and out of our personal power to help us diagnose and correct our InPower stance. Most of these indicators are emotional, but before we can master our emotions and what underlies them, we must learn to read the signs of emotional reactions and biases we may not even be aware that we have. Why? Because although we may not know of them, we telegraph them constantly to those around us, and thus others are often even more aware of our emotional state than we are. This is by definition an out-of-power place to be in.

Our internal understanding of ourselves, affirmed or enhanced by others’ reactions to us, are key indicators our state of InPower balance – or wobble.

Language is an indicator of your InPower stance

Words and language have many gifts to give us besides the ability to communicate with each other. We use language to communicate with ourselves, too, interpreting the sensory and emotional impressions of our reality. When you catch yourself talking to yourself, this is often what you’re doing – processing your reality. Unless you talk to yourself at the expense of others, it’s normal and good. And, if you pay attention to your language, it will provide you insight and power over your subconscious InPower stance. As you practice obtaining and maintaining InPower balance, your language – internal and external – will begin to shift and change, becoming not just an indicator, but a source of your power.

But first you must learn to “hear” yourself from an InPower perspective and listen for your InPower and out-of-power voice. In another post we’ll talk about what you are saying, but for now, just learn to listen to how you are saying it.

Listen for Powerless Words

You’ll be surprised when you pay attention–to yourself and others–how often people use language to pull themselves back, shrink and otherwise try not to stand out. Yes, the nonverbal aspects of communication matter a lot. When you’re hunched, crossed armed or downard glancing you’re putting off a “I’m not powerful vibe.” Most people tend to focus on these more visible signs of confidence. However, verbal patterns can undercut even the most powerful physical stance. Start making a mental note of every time you hear others say these words to tamp themselves down. This will help you start to listen to the ways you’re doing it too.

• just
• like
• um
• unnecessary apologies

I know it’s controversial in some quarters, but I also believe that the uptalk ending of a sentence and the vocal fryy typically signal to others that you’re not taking yourself seriously. I do believe that if you completely own your power you can get away with verbal signals like this, but most of us don’t. And even those who do also know how to code switch to use them for effect sometimes, but not always. If you can really own and control your verbal patterns, go for it. But if they own you, learn to master them instead.

Using Power Words

When you speak – to yourself or to others – your choice of words can quickly tap you into your current power stance. Power vocabulary is positive, specific and declarative. Out-of-power words are passive, imprecise and qualifying. Here are some examples:

As a side benefit, positive speech – especially self-talk – helps reduce stress so you get a two-fer!

Language is an easy-to-use women’s power tool

Language is an important indicator of your InPower stance, but it may be especially important for women. A study by Dr. Judith Baxter, The Language of Female Leadership, recently examined language in senior executive and boardroom meetings for power patterns. While the study looked specifically at differences between how women and men use language, it identified a trend in women’s tendencies for out-of-power speaking. Specifically, the study identified a specific type of out-of-power language called “double-voice discourse,” wherein someone says a self-deprecating phrase before voicing their thought, for example, “I know I’m not the expert, but….” or “I don’t want to speak out of turn, but….”

While both sexes use this verbal pattern, women do it more often. As Dr. Judith Baxter’s research documented, double-voice discourse occurs when the speaker prejudges the audience’s response and qualifies their initial statement accordingly. “Correct me if I’m wrong…” is an example of this.

From a four million word sample, Dr. Baxter found that women were four times as likely to use double-voice discourse than their male counterparts. Ladies, this looks like a simple fix, doesn’t it? Watch your language and gain back as much as four times your power.

In the next post I give examples of power language in common use to counter any tendencies you have towards using powerless speech patterns, and insight into how to turn your words around into power words.

Learn to communicate with confidence with executive coaching for women.