There is simply no getting around the fact that difficult people will be in your life, but what about when they’re your boss? Or your partner? Or your most talented staff member? That’s when things get sticky for most of us. And by sticky I mean that the level of stress in our live pops the charts and we find life a lot less pleasant. What’s a reasonable person to do?
Yes, THEY are nuts. What are YOU going to do about it?
Well, let me give you the simple answer – stop being your part of the problem and take responsibility for aligning the relationship for productivity. Notice that I didn’t say “fix” the relationship? Your only job is to get to the point where the two of you get stuff done without giving each other an ulcer. That’s it.
You see, all relationships take two people and even though (giving you the benefit of the doubt) you probably ARE being the more reasonable person, if you really want to establish a positive working relationship you have to do your part. Shouldn’t they change too? Yes, but they’ll change a lot more easily if you start the process.
But what is it that get so unaligned? I mean, aren’t you doing your best? Aren’t you trying to look past their stupidity? Unreasonableness? Wrong-headedness? Of course, but after trying for a while DOING isn’t the answer and BEING is. So how do you BE in a difficult relationship in a way that the two of you can function? Here is the answer – simply get aligned on these three things:
Emotions
Beliefs
Intentions & Expectations
Easy peasy, right? Well, of course not. Otherwise you’d have done it already. But there is a way. Unload your baggage and notice how much easier are to deal with.
Not sure how to dump your own bags so you can be a better partner in relationship? Start here!
We all know a toxic employee or two, but do we stop to think about the cost of that person to the company or the mission? If you’re managing them, you should be! Here’s a quick cheat sheet to identify and strategize on how to deal with the most common toxic employee types.
When life seems overwhelming, it’s the simplest of strategies that can save us. This young woman reminds us what simple things can create mindfulness and peace even in a busy life. – InPower Editors
Many of us are drawn to the peace and happiness promised by a life of mindfulness, but we often abandon it in our daily lives because practicing mindfulness can seem at odds with our desire to succeed.
But it doesn’t have to be.
Here are nine simple ways that incorporating mindfulness into your busy work life can actually help you succeed:
Forgive and forget. Workplace politics are draining, and a waste of time. Don’t let yourself get sucked into drama. Save your mental energy for your own success by forgiving those who slight you, forgetting who said what about whom, and moving on to more important things.
Breathe before you blast. Try not to shoot off emails when you’re angry. Take a deep breath first and reflect on what’s behind your anger. Anger-driven emails almost always do more harm than good, to sender and receiver alike.
Stop being ‘judgy.’ Mistakes are an opportunity to learn, not an excuse to look at yourself or others with negativity. Assessing mistakes from a neutral perspective allows you and your team to grow from them. Harping on them only serves to bring you (and those around you) down.
Do what you want. Mindfulness gurus often talk about the idea of “intention.” But what does intention really mean? It means to make sure you know why you’re doing what you’re doing. And to do what you want. If you feel like you are wasting time in your current occupation, stop doing it and start something new.
Salute the sun. Starting your morning with a quiet mind will help you be more effective throughout the day. Carve out time in the mornings — before the day’s madness ensues — to do a few sun salutations, eat a leisurely breakfast, go for a jog or engage in whichever activity helps you to still your mind.
Salute your enemies. The word “namaste” means “I bow to the divine in you.” Having respect for your enemies will help you learn from their strengths and be more objective about your own weaknesses. So salute your enemies. You may find yourself with fewer of them if you do.
Take victory in stride. It’s important to celebrate milestones. But don’t get addicted to them. If you let yourself become too attached to your victories, you will be less able to cope with defeat. And the ability to persevere through failure is essential to success.
Sleep more. According to the Dalai Lama, “Sleep is the best meditation.” Get more of it.
Enjoy the journey. Life is short, and you will spend most of it working. Work can either be depressing, or it can be an incredible ride. It’s up to you. The more you enjoy what you do, the better you will be at it.
The Young Entrepreneur Council (YEC) is an invite-only organization comprised of the world’s most promising young entrepreneurs. In partnership with Citi, the YEC recently launched #StartupLab, a free virtual mentorship program that helps millions of entrepreneurs start and grow businesses via live video chats, an expert content library and email lessons.
Originally posted on The Young Entrepreneur Council (YEC)
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Do you lead from your strengths or weaknesses? We all need to get better, but we’re more successful in doing so if we start from what we’re best at. What are you best at? – InPower Editors
Recently, I reread a wonderful book called Unique Ability: Creating The Life You Want, by Catherine Nomura, Julia Waller, and Shannon Waller. The book is about identifying what makes us each unique and then sharing that ability with the world. It is about discovering our unique gifts and then using those to create our livelihood and life’s work. I’ve read this book before. Each time I go back to it, the information reinforces what I’ve known and seen successfully demonstrated throughout my 20 years working as a coach and consultant with global businesses and leaders; that is, when we work from our strengths and let our unique abilities shine through, we are most successful. By doing this, we thrive, and, in turn, those who work with us can also thrive. To reach our highest potential, we need to start from our strengths.
Too often I see company leaders, business owners, and human resource professionals focused on helping employees with their “developmental opportunities”. They take a lot of time to identify what is wrong with the employees or what skills they are missing. They explore the areas where they are lacking and then hone in on getting the employees experiences or training so they can develop those “weak” areas. As a business owner and leadership coach, I understand why this is important. Companies need to be sure employees are skilled enough to do the jobs which they were hired to do; however, it is much easier to hire people who already are strong in the areas required for the job and then work with them to leverage and build upon those strengths.
I have seen many people successfully develop or grow in an area where they were weak but that growth is often limited and may only last for a short period of time. Why? Because they are not starting from their strengths and it can be an uphill climb for any of us to develop in an area that does not come naturally or feel right to us. For example, when my friend, the artist, asks for a recommendation on a course in creating Excel spreadsheets (because she needs to learn Excel to help out with a family business), I can accurately predict that she will complete the course but highly doubt that she’ll retain what she learns. Why not? Because she is being pushed to do something that is against her grain. It is counter to her unique ability and it is almost certain that even if she does learn a lot about spreadsheets, she won’t do it very well or, even worse, will do it reluctantly. Yet, if you put her in a course on advanced photograph development, she will thrive, soar and excel because that is aligned with her unique gift.
When growing a business or hiring new staff you want to seek people out for their unique abilities. Find out what comes naturally to them and where they excel. There is a reason why some of us got outstanding grades in art class as children and others did not. There is a reason why some of us stood out in science class and became doctors and others did not. When we start from where we are strong and build upon that, we are already ahead of the game. We are using our strengths as a bouncing off place to excel even further. Forcing someone to develop in an area where they are not strong, or, even worse, in an area that has no meaning to them will be like paddling upstream in a very strong current. The whole idea with operating from our strengths is to enable our unique ability to shine through. Instead of fighting the current, we go with the current. We need to start from our strengths and watch how naturally we can reach our highest potential.
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Success doesn’t always come hand-in-hand with happiness and emotional connectedness. As your star rises, make sure your constellation shines bright. – InPower Editors
Lisa is a successful manager in her 40’s working for a large corporation. Lately, she is more emotional in business meetings, getting angry with her peers and even tearing up in one long afternoon session. She contacted me to assess her emotional intelligence.
Lisa told me she has been feeling unmotivated and edgy and can’t explain why. She also said she has been stressed about work and not too happy about her life for quite a while. She has even considered leaving her job. She doesn’t think her reactions have anything to do with biological changes though she booked an appointment for a physical just to be sure.
From our conversation, I learned that Lisa has always had a difficult time maintaining a social network because of her work obligations. Now in her early 40’s she has begun to question her choices. She has also begun to question if the work she does is important enough. She has a “niggling” voice telling her she might have a higher purpose in life if she let herself find it. Yet she has no one to speak to about her concerns.
Can you relate to Lisa?
Increasing isolation is a common occurrence for high-achieving women but rarely discussed or even recognized. Emotional support dwindles as they climb the corporate ladder and move away from friends and family for work.[1] Even if they have a life partner, they may not feel the person is a suitable sounding board for work-related topics. As a result, they feel they have no one to talk to about difficult decisions or dilemmas. Their growing loneliness can take a toll on their courage, isolating them even more.
Other people don’t notice this need because smart, strong women are self-sufficient and don’t seek advice or support from others. They learn fast. They adapt easily. They don’t like telling people they need something. Yet like all humans, they need emotional support when the road gets bumpy.
When high-achievers need someone to turn to but look around and no one is there, they begin to wonder if their hard work is worth it. Life feels confining and shallow. They look for something new to fill the void, not recognizing that external changes won’t fill their hearts for long.
Lisa agreed to explore what she needed to do to feel more satisfied with her work and her life. We discussed her need to have a stronger sense of purpose. I gave her some questions to ponder about her mission and purpose before we met again. She knew this process could take time but she appreciated formal guidance to sort out these complicated questions.
Then I asked Lisa, “So what did someone do in your last meeting that made you so angry?”
She talked about her disappointment with her boss and peers but quickly admitted they weren’t out to get her. So I asked her again what was making her feel so angry.
She looked at her hands. “Right now, I’m mad most of the time.”
“Who are you mad at?”
She closed her eyes, tipped her head back and said, “My life sucks. I’m a loser who is soon to be a failure. I can’t believe I created this mess.” She looked at me, “Me, I’m angry at me. I’m angry that no one seems to really care about me and that’s my fault.”
In the end, Lisa realized the abyss she felt she was living in she actually dug for herself. With no one to talk to, she only saw the world closing in on her. Once she quit beating herself up, she was better able to explore what steps she could take to rekindle a few friendships and take time off to reflect on how she could enrich her life with more meaningful connections and a little more fun.
Reflection Questions:
How can you build your social network? This will take both a commitment of time and energy. Can you rekindle old friendships, find new friends at professional meetings, or engage others in conversation instead of hiding behind your computer? Don’t make this hard but don’t give up.
Name all the emotions you are feeling.What is at the source of your anger or disappointment – unmet expectations, broken promises, or not feeling heard or cared about? What do you fear you won’t ever have in your life? What are you longing for? What do you need now to move forward? Let the answers surface without judgment. When you become aware of the source of your emotions, the answers you seek will emerge.
What do you want more of from life? What parts of yourself did you suppress while you were fixated with achievement? Can you give voice to these parts while doing your current job? The “something more” you seek will be easier to find when you listen to your inner voice without judgment.
Humans are social animals, not producing robots. What can you do this week to make and maintain friendships?
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Why it important to tap into your “purpose” to help you succeed in your career? The discussion of your life’s purpose is talked about a lot, but still not well understood by many women. Join Executive Coach Dana Theus and Purpose Coach, Carin Rockind in a live video discussion of the relationship between finding a purpose that turns you on and your career success. – InPower Editors
I have several clients who feel disconnected from their work and passionless about it. They ask me if they should quit. I always advise them to – first – figure out what turns them on and then determine how aligned or unaligned their current work is before they bail out. Usually, this begins an ongoing process to evolve towards work they enjoy, and which they are better at, because the power of their purpose drives them.
Join us today at 11:00 AM ET.
Here are some of the links we discussed in the video to learn more about our programs:
how are purpose and success related if you’re not saving the world?
what if you don’t now what your “life’s purpose” is?
Have a question for us to discuss? Some of your own experience to contribute? Leave them in the comments below!
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Feedback is so important to our careers and effectiveness, and yet it freaks so many of us out. What can we do to get better at giving and receiving feedback? – InPower Editors
When you think about it, giving and receiving feedback is pretty much all communication is. You talk. I listen. Then I respond to what you said, providing you feedback on how well I heard you. You listen and respond to me, etc. This continuous feedback loop usually just looks like two people having a conversation – until one of us calls it “feedback” and then we get all skittish and nervous and – afraid.
I was listening to a great Marketplace.org segment on the dreaded performance review recently (and how useless it is.) It occurred to me that if leaders were more adept at including overt feedback in their daily discussions we’d all be better at getting better on a regular basis. We wouldn’t wait around for “official feedback deadlines” to give or receive feedback.
It’s still not easy for a woman to have an assertive management style without repercussions. Leslie helps us see this challenge for what it is. How do you manage it? – InPower Editors
Earlier this year, my partner and I interviewed 28 women leaders about their styles of influence and how those styles work – or don’t – in organizational life. One of the primary questions we wanted to answer was whether organizations relate differently to women leaders, based on their ‘grit’ or ‘grace’ style.
Our finding? Do they ever.
50% of our sample identified their influence style as predominantly ‘grace’-based, while 50% identified their stylistic preference as predominantly ‘grit’-based. Two of the questions we asked were:
“Have you ever received feedback that your style was either ‘too hard’ or ‘too soft?’ and “If so, how was that actually communicated to you?”
We found that grit-based leaders catch a lot more flak for their style than their grace-based counterparts – even though both styles, when out of balance, can create equal amounts of organizational havoc.
Collectively, the grace-based leaders we interviewed mentioned only 3 criticisms that had been levied against them:
too nice
too slow
too inclusive
This feedback is probably too vague to be helpful. But while it’s not very effective input, at least it’s not cruel.
On the other hand, the same number of ‘grit’ interviewees reported 21 different criticisms. Not only were the criticisms more plentiful, but the language used was also far more specific and emotionally laden:
impatient
demonstrating a lack of respect
not being giving enough
not asking for help
not caring
working people to death
defensive
rigid
not inclusive enough
set expectations that were too high
high maintenance
too hard
too serious
too frank and direct
bitch
pushy and insensitive
too detail oriented
need to ‘step back’
need to get my priorities straight
angry black woman
arrogant
Um, wow.
The strength of this language may, in part, reflect the intense impact that a grit-gone-growl leader can have to his or her environment. Yet, we also know that many organizations continue to be ‘allergic’ to assertive behavior in women, the same behavior generally applauded in men. What shocked us, though, was the harsh and harmful way in which this organizational allergy gets expressed. We think this list is a wake-up call for all managers to give more objective, balanced and helpful feedback to grit-based women.
In the meantime, if you’re a woman with a fast-paced, assertive style, you know this: it’s (still) not easy being grit.
What about you?
If you are a grit-based leader, have you experienced this kind of feedback?
What do you make of it?
What impact do those kinds of messages have…
…on how you feel about yourself? …on how you feel about leading in your organization? …on how you navigate decisions” …on how/when to express your strength? What advice do you have for other grit-based leaders who receive feedback like this?
And if you MANAGE a woman with a grit-based style… How do you give stylistic feedback that’s accurate, objective and useful? How do you keep feedback freer of your own biases, discomforts and assumptions?
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
FREE PDF Guide to Women in Leadership
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
Looking to make a change to your work-life status? You might be considering or ready for a return the workforce. The more fun-filled summer months could be reminding you that you want to downsize your career. Or you may be starting or continuing a job search after a layoff or career change of heart.
In all of these cases it’s important not to put the cart before the horse. As I coach women (and some men) who are in all industries and at the administrative to the executive levels, I see most making quick—often unfounded–assumptions about their job search fate. Delivered with great conviction (and based more on hunches than actual research), I hear people say things like: (more…)
Have you ever noticed how many leadership development resources emphasize effective communication? How many bosses will mark you down (or up!) for your communication skills? Have you ever thought about why it’s so important for your career success to be a good communicator?
In ancient times, some of the most powerful people in the tribe were the “magicians” who could cast “spells” with their words. While the popular image of a magician is someone who can recite certain words, the true power these tribal group leaders possessed what the ability to use words and nonverbal communication skillfully to express emotional and universal truths that resonated in their audiences. It was their ability to create an energetic way of BEING confident, assertive, receptive, courageous, agile and compassionate and then use multiple modes of expression to amplify this powerful state of being to the people around them with clarity and simplicity.
There is simply no getting around the fact that difficult people will be in your life, but what about when they’re your boss? Or your partner? Or your most talented staff member? That’s when things get sticky for most of us. And by sticky I mean that the level of stress in our live pops the charts and we find life a lot less pleasant. What’s a reasonable person to do?
