Worry depletes energy: Both conscious and unconscious worry drain energy. Often, we carry around anxiety without realizing it, which can be exhausting until we identify and address the specific source of our worry.
The opposite of worry is trust: To stop worrying, you must choose to trust. Trust eliminates the emotional space that worry occupies, helping to shift focus away from uncontrollable concerns.
Ask what you’re not trusting: When you feel worry rising, ask yourself what you’re not trusting. Identifying the underlying source of worry allows you to redirect energy toward building trust in that area.
Take action to build trust: If you’re worried about something you can’t control, take proactive steps to increase trust. For example, checking in with someone or reinforcing the importance of a task can alleviate anxiety and create a sense of trust in the process.
Trust the Universe when you can’t control the outcome: After taking all reasonable actions, let go of worry and trust that the outcome, whatever it may be, will be handled. Embrace the uncertainty and trust that you’ll navigate whatever comes your way.
Who doesn’t worry? Anxiety and worry are a fact of life for most people. Certainly all my clients find that anxious worrying constantly drains their energy. Sometimes they carry around a general level of anxiety they’re not even aware of. This unconscious worry simply depletes them until they learn to stop and notice specifically what they’re worried about.
Worry—conscious and unconscious–used to drain my energy too, but less and less since I started using the InPower strategy of “Choosing Trust.” Now I almost never find myself exhausted from anxiety.
The opposite of worry is trust. To stop worrying, choose to trust.
Choosing Trust leverages the simple reality that where there is trust, there is no emotional energy left for worry (and visa versa). A lot of us spend energy thinking about things out of our control, which puts us at an immediate disadvantage because no amount of thinking about it will guarantee success.
So the solution is to ask yourself, “What am I not trusting that is making me worry?” and then find the thing you can trust to put your energy into.
For example, at 4pm when you haven’t gotten confirmation that your client received your proposal, due by 5pm, you may start to worry.
Ask yourself: What am I not trusting that would calm my worry? Perhaps you’re not trusting that the intern tasked with dropping off the packet knows the importance of doing so by COB. What can you choose to do that will help you trust her more? Pick up the phone and call her? Call her supervisor? Do it! Do whatever you can to put your energy into creating more trust.
Then what? If you can’t get her on the phone and end up leaving a message, how can you stop the remaining worry? This is where most of us get messed up. We do what we can and then we still worry. What’s the answer to this last bit of worry? Choose to trust the Universe.
Sure, sometimes the Universe doesn’t exactly follow orders, but you know there’s truth in old saws like “when one door closes another opens,” “every cloud has a silver lining” and “be careful what you wish for.” Some things that appear terrible on the surface turn out to be blessings in disguise.
Since you can’t control it anyway, choose to trust that you’ll deal with the outcome when the time comes, regardless of how things go.
Stop worrying. Choose to put your energy into trusting and let the worry go.
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Bullies thrive on negative emotions: Responding with anxiety or anger to a bully gives them more control. Learning to manage your emotional reactions through detriggering can make you less of a target and help you handle the situation calmly.
Detriggering is essential for emotional control: By mastering emotional neutrality, you can avoid getting goaded into conflict. This will help you not only with bullies like Darlene but also in all your relationships, both personal and professional.
Set clear boundaries and communicate them: Establish professional boundaries with Darlene, such as directing all issues through you instead of allowing her to contact your foreman. Make sure to inform your boss and colleagues about the boundaries you’re setting and ask for their support in enforcing them.
Collaborate with your colleague to address the issue together: Work with the other manager facing similar issues with Darlene. Both of you should adopt the same approach to boundary-setting and detriggering, which will help isolate Darlene’s disruptive behavior and create a united front.
Handling difficult people can be a growth opportunity: While working with a bully is challenging, it provides a chance for you to grow as a leader. Learning to handle conflict, set boundaries, and maintain emotional control will not only improve your professional skills but also help reduce stress and improve your overall well-being.
Dear Dana: I’m a manager at a small automotive parts factory and I need advice on how to handle a bully. There are three of us managing the three shifts. The first shift manager has been there 31 years but only managing for 4. I’ve just been hired with over 20 years of management experience in another industry and the other manager has a similar background and has also been recently hired. The first shift manager (I’ll call her Darlene) is very controlling. She involves herself in enforcing discipline over the employees on the other shifts, regularly calls my foreman at home during her shift to complain about the things our employees have done, and generally nit picks both of the other shifts incessantly. As of late she’s even been going through the garbage cans of myself and the other manager to see what notes we throw away, to what purpose I cannot imagine. Several of her employees have been rude and insulting to me in a public work setting and have a habit of bullying my employees. I’ve taken my complaints to her and to our manager but nothing is being done to rein in her unprofessional behavior. I’ve started wondering if I made a mistake taking this job. Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried:
You’ve got a tough situation, all right. Being bullied by a colleague can be even harder than being bullied by a boss. But make no mistake about it, you and your team are being bullied and so you need to act accordingly.
Bullies Thrive On Your Negative Emotions
The most important thing to know is that bullies thrive on your reactions to them. The more you react from a place of anxiety or anger, the more you invite her to take actions that bother you. As soon as you stop acting from these emotions, you become less interesting to her and while she may start targeting others who work for you or alongside you, you can then put your energy into helping them minimize the damage she can do. So the simplest advice on how to handle a bully is to learn to handle yourself and your reactions to the bullying. (more…)
Key Actions for a Guide to Allyship: Men and women can support women in leadership by assuming competence, mentoring and sponsoring them, calling out bias, and fostering visibility. Allies should also work to educate themselves about the unique challenges women face and act as advocates within their organizations.
The Authenticity Paradox: Women often face a dilemma where they are told to be authentic but are penalized for expressing their true selves, especially in male-dominated environments, where they are expected to minimize their femininity to succeed.
Challenges of Being “The Only One”: Women and other minorities in the workplace often feel isolated or marginalized, leading to anxiety, overcompensation, and the pressure to represent their entire group, which can stifle their authenticity and success.
The Importance of Gender Diversity: Research shows that diverse groups, where women and minorities make up at least 30%, benefit from more creative ideas, better decision-making, and greater respect for each other’s contributions, leading to improved outcomes.
The Role of Female Allyship: Women can support each other by being proactive in mentoring, sponsoring, and promoting women, particularly women of color. White women, in particular, should be aware of racial biases and work to support women of color in ways that acknowledge their unique challenges.
I’m often asked how to be an ally to women in the workplace and help them achieve their career goals. In thinking about developing a guide to allyship, I wanted to be specific about the reasons women need allies in the first place.
Well into his career, my husband came back from a trip overseas where he’d been traveling with several female executives, and he admitted to me how uncomfortable he found it to be “the only man in the room.” He reported that the business portion of the meetings, where the gender balance was more equal, were completely comfortable but the discussions before and after the meetings made him feel invisible. With empathy he said, “I think I get it now, how uncomfortable a lot of your professional experience has been.”
I was so appreciative. I felt more deeply seen in a new way, even by someone who has seen me for a long time. And it gave me insight into the authenticity paradox that had sometimes held me back in my career.
The Authenticity Paradox: Being The Only One At The Table
For my husband, an international trade negotiator, this sense of professional alienation and (usually unintentional) unwelcomeness in the business context was a once-in-a-career experience. But while it’s relatively unusual for a man to experience this, many women find it a normal part of showing up to work, especially in senior leadership situations. To fit in, they are encouraged to minimize or eliminate their feminine selves, which is an integral part of who they are. Even then, it’s usually not enough to feel fully accepted.
In framing a guide to allyship, we have to recognize that women come into the workforce learning that the best way to succeed rarely means “being your authentic self.” And yet, women are often advised (including by me!) that being authentic, for example, not trying to act like a man, is the best way for them to succeed. I call this on-the-surface-contradiction in success tactics The Authenticity Paradox.
The Authenticity Paradox: the way to success is authenticity but you work in a culture that penalizes authentic expressions of your identity. <=Click to tweet
Being a woman in a male-dominated environment is full of challenges. As the “different one” of any kind you’re always aware that everyone else in the room is looking at you through the lens of stereotypes and unconscious biases that emphasize your otherness. As a woman, you’re used to hearing these perspectives expressed by the men around you as:
Surprise and verbalized appreciation at your competence
Assumptions about what you want by people who don’t ask you what you want
Not even noticing you’re there, even when you speak up
Verbalizing your ideas as their own, probably as a result of not noticing you’re there
Minimizing the value of your ideas unless they are verbalized or supported by a man
Questioning your judgment rather than addressing your idea
Openly judging your physical appearance or emotional state
Assuming you understand and can speak for everyone “like you”
Delicacy and discomfort with uncomfortable and emotional issues, which often turns into discussing important topics after you’ve left the room
“Locker room talk,” passed off as humor but through which you hear insults or threats of violence to “people like you”
The challenges of being “the only one” are not limited to women.
As a black woman surrounded by white women, a black or brown person surrounded by white people, a gay-presenting person surrounded by straight-presenting people, an Asian surrounded by Europeans, etc… When you’re the only one of your kind in a group, you’re acutely aware of the burden you carry to represent “your people”, which becomes an inhibitor on your natural willingness to be authentic in any way that would cast a negative light on everyone else “like you.”
Being “the only one”, or even one of very few, is a precarious position and can easily lead even the strongest of us to anxiety and overcompensation as basic survival strategies. This takes a personal toll, especially over time, on the individual who comes to see themselves through the “otherness” lens. They often feel they must be flawless and must continually earn their seat at the table every time they show up.
Being the only one is exhausting. And it’s everyone’s loss.
The Price Paid by the Majority
Sadly, the cost of these interactions are not only born by the “only one.” The group with only one member representing a diverse experience (i.e., one person who is holding back and ignored or minimized by the group) does not reap the benefits of diversity in its decision making. And there are many benefits, including a wider variety of ideas generated, more attention to risk management and greater creativity, all of which results in better outcomes.
In a variety of ways, research has shown that when someone is not the “one and only” (i.e., at least 25-30% of the group shares an identity or viewpoint), these individuals become more willing to offer their authentic value to the group. They reduce their inhibitors and present more unique and important contributions, enabling the group to be more successful than those with reduced diversity.
Diverse groups also tend to demonstrate more overt respect for each other. They value each other’s contributions more reliably, talk over each other less and support each other’s ideas to the group, thus helping to balance the group’s tendency to ignore or minimize minority members’ contributions.
In short, women and other diverse leaders who make up 30%+ of your group are good for your business.
Allyship: How to Help Women into Leadership
The solution to helping women offer their full and authentic value, thus reaping the benefits of gender diversity for the group, is fairly simple, and well documented: support women seeking leadership positions so no one is the “one and only” woman at the table.
A guide to allyship for women must include insights into what men can do to help. As the default power-wielders in corporate culture today, it’s important for men to be proactive in allying with women to gain leadership positions. What can men (and other women) do to be good allies?
Assume their competence
Become educated about the unique challenges women have in pursuing leadership to become a better mentor and coach
Mentor and coach women to help them adapt their specific strengths to the organization’s culture and needs
Verbalize what you’re learning about women’s challenges to educate others and help women feel seen
Don’t speak over them and call others out those who do with a reminder to respect and credit the opinion of others
Allow women to be individuals, resist the urge to generalize about women (and men, for that matter)
Become aware of your own biases and limit their impacts
While these are things anyone can do to support women, there are extra dimensions of allyship that may be needed between women. They help everyone manage the authenticity paradox they encounter in less gender-diverse settings.
Female Allyship: Unique Opportunities For Women To Help Women (Especially Women of Color)
As someone whose career developed in the ‘80’s and ‘90’s without female role models, I can personally attest to the challenges women face when they have no visibility to (much less support from) more senior women above them in the power structure. Of course, I didn’t know what I was missing, so it’s only been recently that I’ve come to understand how important role models truly are.
It turns out that when women have female role models in senior leadership they have a reduced perception of “stereotype threat” and an increased willingness to compete. This makes sense because it gives younger women a vision of what it looks like to move beyond the Authenticity Paradox, and to find a way to be authentic and earn the respect of others in power. Without female role models, especially in a competitive environment, the women most likely to succeed are less willing to compete, thus, pulling themselves out of the competition before they have the chance to win.
From the perspective of a guide to allyship, we can extrapolate from this research that women passively help other women succeed simply by being successful. However, as the dynamics of allyship above in general suggest, there are many other, more proactive, strategies women can deploy to support each other.
Women can become more aware of the biases they carry that unintentionally affect their female colleagues. Even in trying to help other women, they can assume they know things about their associates’ ambitions and preferences, and by voicing these things to others may accidentally limit the other woman’s choices. Taking a stand for the other woman’s ability to choose is a better strategy.
It’s also important for women with influence to sponsor and promote other women, and to do so with clear communication around the fact that supporting other women does not mean you’re engaging in favoritism.
White women, in particular, must become more aware of their biases around race. Sadly, women of color often do not feel supported by white women, with 47% reporting that white women make them “feel inferior/invisible/like I do not matter” in the workplace. This is particularly sad since many white women know what it’s like to be the only woman at the table. Women who enjoy a racial privilege must become more empathic and supportive of women who are not only the only woman, but often the only person of color AND the only woman of color.
This demonstrates that the unconscious biases that limit women’s advancement opportunities are not limited to men. It also means that when white women make the effort to support other women, especially factoring in racial challenges, they have a very powerful ability to make a difference in the careers of women of color.
The Right Way to Help Women in the Workplace Be More Authentic and Succeed Anyway
Given the complexities of the Authenticity Paradox and moving past our unconscious biases to help women in the workplace, what should any of us actually do? I’ve boiled down what I believe are the most important aspects of allyship, which I believe works for everyone.
Intention: While not enough, having a clear intention to help women succeed–all women–is a critical first step.
Awareness: Given that gender and racial biases pervades our society, active in women and men alike, simply accept that you and everyone around you are not immune to unconscious bias and become more aware of how these biases affect your own thoughts and actions. Replace judgment and anxiety regarding sexism and racism with curiosity about how you show up and how you might be able to become more effective at helping women–all women–succeed.
Respect: Learn to respect women–all women–while allowing them to be different than you. This requires looking past your biases. It means allowing those you would help to choose not to see you as their savior.
Action: Do something to activate your intention to help women in the world. Sometimes you’ll succeed and sometimes you won’t, but don’t stop. Make mistakes and try again. Change the bias dynamics so deeply embedded in our culture one small action at a time. Keep going. Don’t stop.
I believe that these four elements are really all that’s needed in a guide to allyship for women (or anyone, really). Everyone has these abilities and when you use them you will support women on the journey to making a difference in their organizations and in the world and side-stepping the authenticity paradox when they encounter it.
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Balance empathy with clarity: While empathy is crucial, over-empathizing can prevent leaders from delivering clear feedback. Leaders need to ensure their feedback is understood without being overly soft or accommodating.
Effective leaders use a spectrum of management styles: Great leaders balance both “relating” (empathetic, collaborative) and “achieving” (decisive, result-focused) leadership styles, adapting to the needs of different situations.
Tough love feedback is essential: Giving tough love, which combines compassion with clear, authentic truths, is key to effective feedback. It fosters growth without being overly harsh or unkind.
Coaching feedback creates a safe space for growth: Coaching feedback allows employees to try, fail, and succeed on their own, with the leader providing guidance but not micromanaging. It emphasizes learning from mistakes in a supportive environment.
Mindful feedback requires emotional intelligence: Effective feedback involves being aware of one’s emotional reactions and carefully choosing how to deliver the message, balancing compassion with the need for clarity and accountability.
While many feedback coaching tips expound on the benefits of empathy in providing difficult-to-hear messages, there is a limit to empathy’s effectiveness in feedback situations. Don’t misunderstand me, I do believe empathy is a critical element of all feedback sessions. However, one thing I notice with some clients, particularly those women and men who have what research might call a “feminine leadership style”, is that too much empathy can get in the way of the other person’s ability to understand what you really would like them to do.
For example, an executive client of mine reported struggles with a direct report who was impatient leading team members through a major change initiative. Because her direct report was very busy and felt that developing trusting relationships with his team was a waste of time, my client struggled to help her direct report understand why it was important to spend time understanding his team’s challenges. When I asked her to share some of the discussion it was clear that she was over-empathizing with his busy schedule (because she had one too!) The result, however, was that the direct report’s team members didn’t feel heard and were digging their heels in resisting the change. Thanks to my client’s over-reliance on empathy (and discomfort with his resistance), her direct report wasn’t getting the message that it was his job to take the time to listen and respond to the team’s legitimate concerns.
Effective Leaders Deploy a Spectrum of Management Styles
Many leadership stereotypes tend to paint a picture of either tough leaders, capable of making decisions quickly and giving clear guidance to subordinates, or building team trust with collaboration and collegiality. In fact, research continues to show that the most effective leaders do both! For example, the highly researched 360 degree assessment, The Leadership Circle Profile, finds that relating skills (i.e., caring and collaborative) are 85% correlated and achieving skills (i.e., decisive and purposeful) are 91% correlated to leadership effectiveness.
As this data shows, the ability to choose when to use relating styles (like empathy) and when to use achieving styles (like strategic focus) is what defines a leader’s overall effectiveness. Separate research has even found that leaders and managers who master the spectrum of management responses to different situations actually receive more recognition and career success.
The Importance of Mastering Tough Love Feedback
Even though most people default to a comfort zone at one end of the management spectrum than the other, everyone seems capable (once they know the importance of gaining both relating and achieving skills) of becoming proficient at both ends. However, it’s the troublesome middle of the spectrum, that is most challenging. This is because so many people have been taught an inauthentic version of the “Feedback Sandwich” where you say something nice, then critical, and then wrap it up with “nice” again. An authentic version of the sandwich can actually work well, where you really mean both the nice and the harder truths you’re passing along. But too many people use this advice as a formula for feedback, and they think that it obviates the need for them to do the harder work of authenticity and truth.
But authenticity and truth are, in fact, the keys to effective feedback, regardless of the order in which you give it. Many of my clients struggle with this until we explore the concept of “tough love” as the key to authentic and truthful feedback. The experience of giving hard truths while holding compassion for the person listening to them, is easy for many of us to wrap our heads (and hearts) around. And this is how to span the middle to the leadership spectrum between relationship-strengthening styles and result-focused approaches. I think this is because we can all relate to how effective being tough with those we love (e.g., children and pets) can be in some situations. We can all usually think of some tough love we’ve received, too, and appreciate that the person who gave it to us really wanted us to grow.
Tough love isn’t about being mean, it’s about being compassionate and clear. – Click to Tweet
Tough love is also a critical element in giving the kind of feedback intended to coach someone to greater success. Coaching feedback doesn’t tell someone how to do something, but creates a safe space within which they can try, fail and succeed to figure it out themselves. Of course, not all kinds of feedback can be straight-out coaching, but creating a safe space for the person receiving the feedback without feeling overly (or personally) judged is always a good idea.
How to Give Tough Love Coaching Feedback
One of the most challenging aspects of giving tough love feedback is that it requires the leader to notice that moment where they are defaulting towards either empathetic or straight-forward, no-holds-barred messages. In that moment when they notice going to an extreme, they need to pause and take a mindful moment of discomfort to reorient. In this moment they must decide to hold compassion in their heart while also setting the intention to ensure there is no room for misunderstanding their message.
Patience and compassion for failure is the “love” part of tough love – Click to Tweet
Here are a few tips:
NOTICE and DECIDE
Notice your discomfort and default pattern to an extreme. In this mindful moment, decide if this is a situation that merits a “tough love” approach.
SET A POSITIVE INTENTION FOR FEEDBACK SUCCESS:
Your feedback intention means you have a clear idea of what success looks like. What does it look like when the person you’re talking to is doing the behavior you want them to change correctly? For tough love feedback to succeed it’s not enough to explain what they’re doing wrong. You must also be able to describe what it looks like when they’re doing it right. And to be sure they get it, you need to ask them to describe success in their own wordsso you can tell to what extent they’re really understanding. This might generate more discussion and dialog, which is good! The goal is to be aligned on what success looks like in the positive sense so it’s worth the dialog.
DECIDE HOW MUCH SAFE SPACE TO GIVE THEM
Depending on the situation sometimes you have time to let them fall on their face a few times before getting it right. This means refraining from telling them how to do something and letting them figure it out through their own failures and successes. Other times you don’t have the luxury of letting them fail. When you don’t have the time and space to let them fail you can still give them part of the answers and explain you want them to figure the rest out on their own.
WITHHOLD PERSONAL JUDGMENT
Regardless of how much safe space you give them, the real key to harsh love coaching feedback is to communicate authentically to them that you understand they’re learning, that you have patience with their process, and you have compassion for their struggles. This compassionate patience is the “love” part of tough love. To demonstrate your patience, you need to ensure that your judgment is not personal. Make it clear your feedback is in judgment of the outcome, not theirs.
As you can see, giving tough love coaching feedback is anything but formulaic, easy or simple. It requires you as the leader to call on your personal emotional intelligence to navigate challenging interpersonal communications. Yet the rewards can be great, leading to loyal, engaged and effective employees.
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Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
Leading women are everywhere—from boardrooms to classrooms to community centers. You don’t need a title to lead; action and influence are more powerful than any job description.
Power begins with perception. When women learn to communicate with presence, confidence, and clarity, they not only capture attention—they shift the definition of what leadership looks and sounds like.
True leadership starts within. Until you rewrite your personal story to reflect your strength and passion, embracing your power will always feel like trying on someone else’s shoes.
Empowered women empower women. Whether through mentorship, education, or simply leading by example, every woman has a role in lifting others and building a stronger, more inclusive leadership pipeline.
Leadership is legacy. The real mark of success is not what we achieve alone, but how we reach back and pull others up with us—creating ripples of change across generations and continents.
Women are leading all over the world in all kinds of ways. No matter how you lead, call on your inner power to succeed. – InPower Editors
Women leaders are everywhere. You don’t need to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation, have earned millions of dollars, or be in Washington DC to be a leader.
There are women leaders on your teams – from directors to managers to team leads. Some women are leading by initiating change in an organization without that official leadership title. There may be women in your local and state governments who are initiating community change by designing policies. Women around the world are starting businesses, leading villages and cities, and in some cases, countries. Women lead by volunteering in the community, often influencing others to think differently about situations and issues.
You may be one of these women leading change through action and influence
However with more women leaders, we need more role models and mentors.Women leaders don’t get enough attention. And we don’t get enough mentorship and advice as to what it means to be a good leader and embrace power. We know what it means for a man to lead, but what does it mean for a woman? How is it similar or different?
Leading Women – 20 Influential Women Share Their Secrets to Leadership, Business and Life by Nancy D. O’Reilly approaches this leadership question by exploring how women embrace power from 3 perspectives:
External environments – how to be perceived as powerful by others
Internal environments – how to embrace your own power
Connections within the community – how to build leadership and strengthen power in other women through education and policy
While reading the section about external environment, I learned how people perceive power and act around powerful people. Much of the advice for women to embrace power centers around communication techniques that can help you capture the attention of colleagues and peers, have them feel your presence, and allow you to be heard. Some examples include:
Stop people from interrupting you
Build credibility and get credit for your contributions – and stop letting others get that acknowledgement
Improve your presence at the podium and connect with an audience
Accept praise and take the heat gracefully yet powerfully
Become a better leader by assuming risk and receiving constructive feedback
Most importantly in this section, I gained insights about how I can embrace my femininity to be a better leader as a better communicator, networker, and connector, and learned how these skills are changing the perception of leadership in the world. Women who embrace their femininity are influencing others and being perceived to be more powerful than they realize.
But you can only be perceived as powerful if you believe in your own power. This leads to the next section about internal environments. There were some pieces in this section that resonated with me very deeply, particularly the sections about personal story telling and understanding how your beliefs define who you are. Until you redefine your own personal story to support your power, you can’t really start to believe that you have power. And it’s only possible to tap into that power when you reach deep into yourself, acknowledge who you are, and experience your passion.
The collection of pieces in internal environments are organized to present this self-exploration as a process – starting with love (Do you need a reason to Love? by Marci Shimoff) and culminating with making time for you (the greatest expression of love) and living your passion (Ignite your love and connect for a better world, by the author of the book, Nancy D. O’Reilly). It is only when you are truly you – and have a positive self-narrative – that you can embrace, experience, and exhibit your real power.
That last piece leads us to the next section – how we need to work together so we can all experience power and be perceived as equals to men in our own lives. Much of this empowerment begins with education about power through money, rights, choices and opportunities to have more control over your own life. It raises the question, how do we define feminism, and do we go beyond the traditional definition to inspire personal change? This education can’t start too soon (young girls can benefit learning about how to make their own choices and own their lives) or be limited geographically. One piece specifically highlights how role models and education are helping African women discover their voices and lead, transcending challenges such as troubled economies, war and military conflict, or abuse to name a few.
This collection of pieces ends by encouraging women to look beyond their own individual achievements to take larger community action to create a legacy that impacts women everywhere.
My favorite piece in this section was written by an alumna and featured my alma mater, Simmons College (Information: The Best Form of Philanthrophy, by Shirley Osborne). Simmons was established by entrepreneur, John Simmons. He realized that women could contribute more to society and themselves, but to do that successfully, they needed more information and education. He started offering night classes to women in his factories, and after he died, he left an endowment to create Simmons College. A quote from that piece that resonated with me and provides a great summary for the entire book:
It is up to women, then, as we advance in the power structures and economic institutions of the world, no matter how we acquire that advancement, to reach back, reach down, reach out, and embrace other women, pull them in, give them a hand up.
— Information: The Best Form of Philanthrophy, by Shirley Osborne
We are all leaders today in some capacity in our work and our lives. And the pieces in this book remind us that we women are leaders of our own lives and can make choices to embrace our power and lead others to change.
FREE PDF Guide to Women in Leadership
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
Collaboration boosts efficiency: Effective collaboration reduces duplicated efforts, clarifies roles, and streamlines workflows, leading to cost savings and quicker turnaround times.
Empowerment through collaboration: When teams collaborate, employees feel more motivated and engaged, taking initiative to solve problems instead of waiting for top-down direction.
Collaboration fosters innovation: Working with diverse groups or other companies leads to better problem-solving and innovation, as different perspectives contribute to creative solutions.
Collaboration encourages partnerships: Collaborating with other businesses, such as startups, can create mutually beneficial partnerships that drive growth and bring fresh ideas to established companies.
Collaboration improves workplace happiness: Collaboration helps employees interact with different teams, creating a more social and personal work environment, which boosts productivity and job satisfaction.
In business class, I learned the importance of having a good marketing strategy and approach to customer retention. What I realized through working in consulting however, is that these strategies don’t happen overnight. Behind the scenes, collaboration fosters these types of successful business tactics, and it explains why collaboration is the key to success in business. Collaboration is a greatly overlooked aspect of successful companies and it plays a vital role in any business. It’s necessary to stress that leaders and entrepreneurs should embrace this if they would like to see their business thrive in the long run.
Collaboration makes processes more efficient
Small Business Trends sees collaboration as the solution to having more efficient companies. When I worked for a big company as a fresh graduate, I was part of a tight-knit team of like-minded individuals. We prided ourselves for working effectively. One day, our team found out that the project we’ve been working on for months was also being done by another team for the same amount of time. Imagine what could’ve been avoided if our company promoted inter-team collaboration in the workplace. We wouldn’t have had duplicated efforts and wasted resources on a simple task. While our team thought of ourselves as efficient, we realize the lack of coordination with other units made us unproductive in relation to the company’s end goal.
This experience early on in my career made me understand the importance of collaboration for efficiency. In collaborative workplaces, employees get more clarity in their roles. Each person knows what they’re supposed to do, and they know what their teammates are doing (or not doing). Collaboration helps team members focus on specific parts of the overall goal while understanding how their efforts complement and feed into somebody else’s work. A smoother workflow often results in reducing costs and increasing turnaround time.(more…)
Failure builds character: Being fired from a high-level job teaches humility and resilience. It reveals that self-confidence, without humility, can lead to missteps, and failure doesn’t define you as a person.
Redefining leadership: Leadership is not just about setting a vision and making decisions; it’s about vulnerability, asking for help, and being open to uncertainty. Effective leaders must show humility and be willing to admit when they don’t have all the answers.
Failing does not make you a failure: The experience of being fired can be a wake-up call that failure at one job doesn’t make you a failure in life. Regaining self-confidence, understanding your strengths and weaknesses, and seeking help are key to bouncing back.
The importance of sharing failures: Talking about failure fosters a culture of humility and openness, helping others understand that failing doesn’t mean a leader is weak or incompetent. Sharing failures promotes a more authentic, connected work environment.
Leadership roles should be flexible: Leadership should be adaptable based on expertise rather than hierarchy. In rapidly changing environments, leaders need to be flexible, with the humility to lead from various positions, depending on the situation and skills required.
“Can you talk about a failure you had and what you learned from it?” It was a harmless question from an attendee at a CEO roundtable event I was speaking at a few weeks ago. I shared about the time I got fired from my position as region president for a Fortune 500 company.
After I was done telling the story, the silence in the room was deafening. It was like everyone had taken a collective breath in and was holding it in. In that moment I thought: “note to self, come up with a better story because this one sure is making people uncomfortable”. I made a feeble joke thanking them for the therapy session. Later, one of the CEO’s came up to me and said that the group was quiet because they were unprepared for the level of authenticity and vulnerability in that story. Here’s the story and the lessons learned.
How I Got Fired
It’s not always good news when the HR head calls you up and invites you to lunch. I learned that the hard way. When he did that, I had no clue that I was being fired from a job that I had been in for about 12 months. The assignment was a big promotion on the heels of a huge successful turnaround in another business unit. Rather self-confident in my own abilities, I had taken a risky role in a challenging situation. The business had been declining for two years. We were behind on innovation. It had been a revolving door of predecessors who had lasted less than 24 months. Getting fired from the job in 12 months was a whole new record!
Up until then my career had been nothing short of stellar with promotions every two years, CEO recognitions, stock options. So of course, this came as a surprise. No, correction, it was a shock. I felt shame. I felt helpless. No amount of working harder and longer hours was getting me closer to success. The tools I had depended on were not working. There were many sleepless nights wondering “where did I go wrong? Did I unknowingly swallow a loser pill?”
What I Learned from Being Fired
Being fired builds character. I must admit, it’s not great for the ego. My fairly rapid rise in the organizations that I had worked in had given me lots of self-confidence. What my self-confidence lacked was humility. I thought I was invincible and could single-handedlytackle any problem, no matter how complex or entrenched. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have experience in that business unit and the pressure was mounting on a quick turnaround. I realized I had been unprepared for the risks I had taken.
I needed to redefine leadership. We often think of leaders as people who are strategic, make decisions, move things forward. They lead from the front, setting a vision of what needs to be done and getting others to do it. What I learned is that this is a very narrow definition of leadership. In this perhaps misguided definition of leadership I felt immense pressure to know it all, to not show any weakness or uncertainty about the answers to the complex issues we faced, and to not admit I was wrong. I didn’t ask for help. I didn’t do a good job managing expectations down because of a false sense of responsibility and bravado. I believe we need to make room for leaders to be vulnerable, to be able to say they don’t know when the answers are not clear yet or the situation is evolving too fast. I believe we need to make room for leaders to ask for help. It will better serve our organizations and the quality of decisions we make. It will better serve our leaders.
Failing does not make you a failure. Being fired was a much needed wake-up call. I learned that failing at a job did not make me a failure. After a few weeks of intense shame, I learned that I would survive. The company had offered me a lateral move into another role. The person who replaced me was a peer on the team and I learned (with some difficulty) how to let go of what had happened in the past for the sake of my own growth and future success.
The hardest part in the coming months was not the shame. It was regaining a more balanced sense of self-confidence – one that comes from knowing your strengths, and also knowing your weaknesses, and trusting that you will find others who will help. It was replacing shame with a sense of self-compassion and resilience, which is in itself a worthy endeavor.
My purpose in writing this is to encourage all of us to talk about our failures. Doing this reminds us that we are not invincible. It grows humility. It teaches those around us that the act of failing does not make a leader a failure. I was so afraid of failure that it took me a while to even admit that I was in the midst of it. It creates a more authentic culture where people can discuss risk openly and encourage greater creativity and innovation. Most of all it reminded me that we need all of us, those who lead from the front, those who lead from the back, those who lead from the side. In our rapidly changing times I believe it will best serve us if these roles are not fixed based on hierarchy but are flexible based on what expertise is most needed in a situation and who has it most available to offer. This requires great humility from those at the top and balanced confidence from those at lower levels.
In closing, I hope you will take the time to examine some of your failures and perhaps share these with the people you work with. It created a tremendous connection with the people in the room that day for me, and I hope that it does that for you as well. After all it is hard to authentically influence people unless they feel truly connected to us.
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Choose your battles wisely: Sometimes staying silent is stronger than reacting, especially when the situation is petty. Not every conflict deserves your energy, so reserve it for the things that truly matter.
Silence can shift the energy: When confronted by a jerk, resist the urge to match their negativity. Instead, remove energy from the fight by shifting your attention elsewhere. Often, when their ego isn’t engaged, they’ll let go of their attitude.
Mind your non-verbal cues: Even if you stay quiet, your body language can still feed the conflict. Avoid rolling your eyes or muttering under your breath—control your reactions and preserve your peace of mind.
Anchor your mind with a mantra: When you feel the urge to react, pick a word like “calm” or “compassion” to focus on. Repeating this word can help redirect your thoughts and maintain your emotional balance.
Think long-term: Ask yourself how much this moment will matter tomorrow or next week. Prioritize your health and peace of mind over getting the last word, and remember: your reaction is your power. Don’t give it away unnecessarily.
On my recent flight from Germany to the US, the man in front of me was so large that when he lay back in his chair, his head was practically in my lap. Not only could I barely open my computer to work, I had to do some maneuvering to eat my meal.
The flight attendant agreed that something was wrong with the chair and brought this to his attention. He said, “Too bad for her.”
The ongoing encounters with jerks are never-ending. It seems that the more people hide their heads in their phones, computers and personal space, the more insensitive everyone becomes, even those of us trying to be nice.
Unfortunately, the more I find myself feeling negative and angry, the more irritated I get with every jerk I encounter. Then I don’t extend warm and welcoming energy to the other people around me either.
The world is quickly filling with annoying and annoyed people. Would you like to help put a stop to this vicious cycle?
Seven tips for preserving your peace of mind when you encounter insensitive and annoying people
Accept that being quiet does not mean being weak. You don’t always need to stand up for yourself especially if there is nothing you can do about a petty situation. Pick your battles wisely. Fighting the good fight needs more of your energy than the minor conflicts.
Consider how silencing your reaction might shift the mind of the difficult person. Often people who react negatively regret their behavior when they calm down. But if you counter with negative energy, they are more likely stick to their story and justify their jerkiness. If instead you surprise them by shifting your attention elsewhere, you remove energy from the fight. They might give in once their ego is no longer involved.
Manage your non-verbal behavior. If you are going to stay out of the fight, don’t roll your eyes, mutter under your breath or make an ugly face as you turn away. You are still sparking the fire with your gestures.
The best thing to do is take a big breath, let it out slowly and focus on breathing comfortably. You are strong when you control your reactions. The disrespect the person is showing has nothing to do with you personally.
Choose one word to anchor your mind until the need to react passes. Choose “compassion” or “tolerance” for the person who obviously is not happy. Choose “calm” for your own peace of mind. Say it over and over like a mantra until you feel the word flow through your body.
Think more broadly. What will this matter tonight, tomorrow or into the future? What is more important to you, getting the last word in or living a long, healthy and somewhat peaceful life? Your health has more value than one-upping a jerk. Consciously and deliberately choose your reaction. This is your power. Don’t give it away.
Regularly rest and rejuvenate. The more emotionally balanced you are, the less the jerks will trigger you.
There will be times you need to stand up for yourself. If you feel your reputation as a strong, professional woman is at stake, or your soul needs you to speak your truth, please do so. And if reacting to a rude person is a waste of time, let it go. Not only do you increase your professionalism, you get better and better at balancing your energies.
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When you’re emotionally triggered, your reactions to stressful situations (and people) feel out of control. All the stress reduction in the world can’t help you if your emotional triggers are in charge. These 3 lessons will get you back in the driver’s seat.
Feeling restless, sad, or stuck—even in a seemingly “good” life—is often a signal that you’ve drifted from your authentic self, not a sign that something external needs fixing.
Choosing comfort and fear-avoidance over fulfillment can slowly erode your sense of joy and purpose—it’s not your boss or your circumstances, it’s the quiet compromises you’ve made with yourself.
Discomfort isn’t the enemy—it’s often the doorway. When we’re most unsettled, we’re also most ready to question, grow, and make meaningful change.
The answers you’re looking for—about your work, your contribution, your passion—aren’t out there in a new job title; they’re in the honest questions you ask yourself when you slow down and really listen.
You don’t need to overhaul your life overnight. You just need the courage to acknowledge what’s calling you, what needs to be released, and what inside you is ready to be set free.
Many of the people I work with tell me they feel restless, knowing there is “something more” to do with their careers and their lives. They also feel a little sad and maybe resentful. Is this you? As you look back on this year, do you feel grateful for what has occurred or relief that it is finally over?
Actually, you can feel unfulfilled when life is good and when it isn’t. You can be busy and successful but sense emptiness inside. Or you can be on the other end where you feel nothing is how you wished it could be and that others are at a better place than you.
The restlessness, shallowness, sadness and resentment can’t be blamed on your boss, friends or family. You feel these emotions because your choices have left you disconnected with yourself. Making life choices based on what eases your fears instead of what fulfills you is an act of self-denial. You miss your passionate, joyful, grateful self.
The good news is that these feelings can help you create a new future. M. Scott Peck said in his book, The Road Less Traveled, “The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.”
You will find your answers and fulfillment inside, not outside in a new job or career.Although your exploration might lead you to a new path, it’s self-examination that leads to peace of mind.
In his book, Right Risk, Bill Treasurer(link is external) asks, “Are you a Whatever Person?” Do you just accept what is not working for you because you don’t think you have any control over your life? To overcome this acquiescence, take the time to answer tough questions such as these:
Are you selling out in some area of your life?
Have the compromises you made to live comfortably drained your passion for working? What did you once enjoy doing but the joy has disappeared?
What about your work represents what you stand for?
When you use your greatest talents and gifts, what are your accomplishments? What impact do you make?
What is the highest contribution you can make for your organization, community or the world? What do you dare to dream of doing? What is calling you? To step into your profound potential, what must you leave behind?
Reflect on your answers. Then be quiet, feel your breath in your belly and ask yourself, “What inside me wants to be free?”
Answer these questions as honestly as you can. You don’t have to drastically change your life now. You just need to be honest about how you want to give of yourself in this lifetime.
Once you begin to grasp who you really are and what you truly desire, look for ways to shift your daily work to help you realize your highest potential. With this intention, it is likely you will engender the people and circumstances that will help you achieve your goals. Mythologist and writer Joseph Campbell said, “A thousand unseen hands,” will come to your aid.
Take time to re-acquaint yourself with you. Then you might vision what you want for your future so you can align your daily actions, experiences and learning with this focus in mind. This will be your preparation for taking the bigger leap when you are ready.
Make this coming year one of self-discovery not of self-suppression.
When you listen to yourself your life feels more substantial and fulfilling. When you come to know yourself, the longing and emptiness fade away. When you take the pains to live the life that showcases your highest potential, you embody a state of dignity and grace.
Succeed on your own terms.
Tap your most Authentic Feminine Leadership Style.
Work-life “balance” is outdated—embrace the blend. Life isn’t a neat 50/50 split; it’s a constantly shifting mix of priorities, and it’s okay if the ratios change day to day (or hour to hour).
Guilt doesn’t serve you—cut it out. Women often carry a heavy load of guilt about letting work into family time, but letting go of rigid expectations can ease the pressure and create a more realistic, humane rhythm.
Blending isn’t weakness—it’s wisdom. Integrating work and home life isn’t about slacking—it’s about being adaptable and making room for what matters most in both worlds.
You don’t need equal parts to feel whole. Just like colors mix in different shades, your life blend is uniquely yours. There’s no single formula—and that’s a strength, not a flaw.
Redefining “normal” helps us all thrive. The sooner we stop trying to divide life into strict categories, the sooner we’ll find peace in our personal choices and teach our children to do the same.
We’re big fans of work-life blending here at InPowerWomen.com because the concept of work-life balance assumes a steady state that few of us actually experience. Kathryn provides much needed perspective to help you give yourself a “guilt-ectomy” about blending what’s most important in your life and work. – InPower Editors
It’s no secret that I’m a proponent of making work work. As you’ll see in my “Look Before You Leap” webinar, I advise women to think carefully about both short-term emotions and long-term needs before they leave the workforce. And I’m always looking for wisdom from other experts who can help women solve the work/don’t work dilemma.
I’ve already given up that balance word because it is just not possible, and as I’ve said many times, seesaws are always uneven. I like the idea of fit (which is why my web site tagline is “Find the Work that Fits Your Life”). And I like the idea of a work-life “blend”, too.
In blending you have a little of this and a little of that or a lot of one or the other. It doesn’t necessarily have to be equal parts of blue and yellow to make green. You can have many shades of green, and in the same way there is no single formula for the shade of work you want in your life.
The article points out the obvious: our professional lives bleed into our personal lives. But then there is a great suggestion: “maybe we need to accept the fact that the sharp demarcation between work and home is a thing of the past, and that the new normal is a life that integrates home and work more seamlessly”.
Terrific concept, but to do this many women would need a guilt-ectomy. Women feel great guilt when they have to take a call in the middle of dinner or work on a Saturday afternoon. I know that many men are different: my husband did not walk around with a guilt pit in his stomach when he spent an entire beach vacation closing a deal in an air-conditioned room, when he has had three business dinners in a row or when he has taken calls on the sidelines of school field hockey games.
He doesn’t feel guilty and I don’t make him feel guilty because I understand that business cannot always be perfectly timed. Though I understand these truths about business, I hold myself to an entirely different standard—thinking that my daughters will say (on a psychiatrist couch at some later date) that I was glued to my phone and computer instead of tending, relentlessly, to their every need.
The Forbes article made me think about how, as our children get older, we encourage them to have lives outside of our families. An older nanny we once had told me that from the moment the umbilical cord is cut, we start to prepare our children for independence. We want our children to have their own lives—to have interests and activities that they find and pursue on their own—yet we feel guilty for the work lives we lead out of those same homes.
The draw to leave work entirely would be less intense if we could be less rigid about what is “supposed to be” work or non-work time. With great regularity there are home and family issues that will come up at the office, and work issues that will come up at home. That’s okay, because we’ve got to do our best to blend two important lives—the one inside and the one outside of our homes. It’s a good life lesson that accommodates the independence we need as children and adults. Children go to school and play at home. We go to work and play with them at home. Often work time blends into play time—whether it’s homework from school or a call from your boss.
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Worklife Reset for an Energized, Authentic Personal Brand
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Feeling like you need to hit the reset button on your job, career or business?
This uplifting 8-step process will help you find meaning, motivation and momentum in your career and work
