“Women Don’t Ask”. Ask for what you want – it’s the topic of a book and it’s often an unfortunate reality that keeps many of us from reaching our goals. In my executive coaching work, some of my clients very clearly realize that this is an issue. They know that whether it’s asking for a raise or resources for their work projects, or asking clients for business or referrals, being able to confidently ask is a key to meeting their goals. We work through a five-step process on how to ask powerfully for what they want. We overcome the excuses we all make that let the glass ceiling inside our heads take away our power. So here are five steps to making a powerful ask.
1) Start with one simple “Ask“.
Pick one specific “ask” that you want to make. Take out a piece of paper right now, not later after you’re done reading the blog post. There is power in taking action. Make sure it’s specific. For example, “I would like to ask my manager to work on Project X which will give me greater visibility to senior management.”
2) Pick decision-makers.
Pick who is the person who will make the decision on your ask. It could be multiple people. Also pick who will be influential in impacting the decision. Write down their names. In many decisions, it’s not just the people in the hierarchy, it is the informal networks that we need to understand who will influence decisions. In the example above, the decision maker could be your manager. It could also be other people who are leading or involved in the project. It could be your manager’s boss.
3) Convince yourself first This is the most important step.
Usually one of the biggest reasons we don’t ask powerfully is that we’re not fully convinced that we want or deserve what we are asking for or we’re afraid of a “No”. These are limiting beliefs we have and we need to identify and reframe these beliefs into more empowering beliefs. Once we are convinced ourselves, it is so much easier to convince others. Go ahead and write all these excuses down. And yes, answer what would happen if they say “No”. Usually, we’re no worse off than where we were before. Putting our excuses out of our head and onto a piece of paper so we can stare at them can help us recognize patterns and how some of these excuses are fairly irrational. They come from stories we have made up about ourselves and others rather than reality.
4) Get Clear on Influencing Style
Next to each name, list all the reasons a) why they would want to help you, b) what would be the best way to influence them. Write down your thoughts about what influencing style would best work with them. Is it appealing to them with facts? Is it leveraging relationships? Is it negotiating what you can do for them? For example, ask yourself, “How have I helped them in the past? How can I help them in the future”? It can be gratifying to an ego to be asked for help. A client may refer you because they have seen how valuable you have been to them and believe you will be valuable to their colleague as well. Just the act of writing down all the reasons why or how you can be valuable to a person can instill the kind of self-confidence and conviction that will energize you to ask more powerfully. Remember the first and most important person you have to convince of your value is you. Next create an action plan of who you will ask for what by when.
5) Practice & Declare Success
Find a friend or colleague and start to practice making the “Ask”. A client of mine recently had an excellent piece of advice. For many of us, we are afraid to ask for fear of rejection. So it’s valuable to reframe the objective. Make the objective about asking rather than getting anything. Set a goal. You will make one powerful ask every day. Then once you’ve asked, you’ve met your goal. Declare success. It helps to journal or write about your successes in asking as part of reframing your mindset.
Success is continuing to ask and not letting someone’s “No” take away your power to make a powerful ask. Assume a “No” is “Not Now”, so always be gracious about it. Being gracious about a “No” leaves the door open for a “Yes” in the future.
Let me know how this worked for you and what strategies you have for yourself for making powerful asks. Do comment and share with the community your successes in making your asks as it helps you contribute and instill confidence in others.
If this resonated with you, please comment, and register for my free webinar with Dana Theus on this very topic!
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Three years ago I began my master’s degree in positive psychology. My classmates and I, new to each other, were waiting for our first class to start. Everyone was a little anxious because one of us was about to be called on to tell their “You at Your Best” story about a time when we overcame a challenge in life. I sat in my chair, a big ball of stress and emotion. I had just burned out from seven years of practicing law, and I was not about to tell a room full of strangers about one of the most vulnerable moments in my life. Luckily, I did not have to recite my story in front of the full group, but I did have to tell it to a smaller group of six of my classmates. As I told the story of breaking up with my fiancé three months before we were to have been married, my voice became shaky, and I was nervous and uncomfortable. But the best thing happened when I finished — everyone in the group reached out to give me a hug. In addition, they each took turns telling me about the strengths they heard me display in my story. I immediately relaxed and began to process the gratitude I felt. As the stress washed away, that moment gave me the courage to put myself out there by telling more stories.
Recently, USA Todayreported that many employees who have experienced prolonged stress from job uncertainties, stagnant pay, and having to do more with less at work are actually burning out. A study out recently from ComPsych Corp. on job satisfaction revealed that 63 percent of workers say they have high levels of stress at work, with extreme fatigue and feeling out of control. In addition, 46 percent of the respondents cited stress and personal relationship issues as the most common reason for absences.
If you’re one of the many millions of people who are in need of a break, putting your stress into words can have powerful positive effects. Here’s how:
Encourage storytelling at work and at home. A recent movement called organizational storytelling is springing up in many companies. The goal is to make companies more aware of the stories that exist within their four walls and then leverage those stories to achieve organizational goals. As I discovered above, it feels good to talk about overcoming a challenge or doing something hard, and companies want to capture that too. Daniel Pink states, “There is a hunger for what stories can provide — context enriched by emotion, a deeper understanding of how we fit in and why that matters.” Stories can create positive emotion, goodwill, and strong social connection, and each one of those things not only builds your resilience, but also helps you de-stress.
Journal. The power of the written word in helping people de-stress can be profound. Studies by Drs. Laura King and James Pennebaker have found that whether someone is writing about a stressful life event or their hopes for the future, journaling may help to regulate your mood, possibly by providing a safe emotional outlet, giving you perspective; and creating hope for the future.
Here are three specific journaling activities you can try:
Write about what went well. Each day for several weeks, write down three things that went well for you that day and explain why. Human beings are programmed to focus on negative events and information, and this exercise will help balance that. For folks who made this a regular practice, a study showed that happiness seemed to increase and symptoms of depression decreased for an extended period of time.
Do a brain dump. This exercise may help people whose stress type causes them to be anxious and have a racing mind. I keep a small notebook next to my bed, and if a certain issue is preventing me from falling asleep, I simply write it all down and get it out of my head. The act of taking something from your brain and writing it down often may diffuse the intensity of what’s stressing you.
Know your thinking blueprint. Your thoughts play a large role in your stress response. Drs. Albert Ellis and Aaron Beck developed a model to illustrate that the way people think about events affects how they feel and how they react. During the week, keep track of those events that push your buttons. Write down the heat-of-the-moment thoughts you had and your reaction (both how you felt and what you did). At the end of the week, check whether you found any patterns. For example, did you consistently put on your “angry glasses” at work, and did that undercut your performance? If you don’t like what you see, replace your counterproductive thoughts with more productive thoughts, and you may see a shift in your emotions and reactions.
Storytelling and journaling are powerful tools to help you de-stress in your crazy busy lives. Managing chronic long-term stress will help you not only succeed, but also thrive, allowing you to both live and work at a sustainable pace.
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Study: The Global Economy Recovery Will Be Driven by Women: Opinion (W2W)
Finding: Empowering women could be the key to economic recovery.
Note about The Woman Effect Research Index: This study was performed by researchers not affiliated with InPower Women. Our Research Index includes all relevant research to the subject of women, business and power. We do not influence how the research was conducted or reported by the researchers. In our abstracts, we focus on pulling out the most actionable advice for individual women. To suggest additional research we should index, or discuss our choice of abstract focus, please contact us
InPower Insight: Women are not only good for business, they’re good for the economy – and the world.
Summary:
Are women the answer to our sagging economy? Research seems to say yes, and business magazines such as the Economist are agreeing, stating “the next giant growth wave won’t come from the internet, China or India, but from empowering women.”
According to W2W and other sources, empowering women is the key to rescuing the currently failing American economy. W2W purports that internationally, women control nearly 21 trillion dollars in consumer spending yearly and that number is expected to increase to 28 trillion by 2014. Further, women currently earn 13 trillion dollars yearly and could increase to 18 trillion in the same timeframe.
Women represent a market-worth that’s greater than that of India and China combined. Representatives of the World Bank also purport that when countries are in economic crisis, they tend to place more women in the workplace such as during the Great Depression in the early 1920s.
Alonzo Fulgham, Acting Administrator of International Women’s Day stated that “not only are women the drivers of economic growth, they can be the drivers of economic recovery.” The recovery will be based on women’s involvement in developing more businesses and products globally, spending more, and enhancing their communities.
Career Coaching Tip: Don’t get caught up in the negative talk about what women don’t have in the workplace – senior positions, pay etc. It may be “true,” but it’s also true that we – you – are part of a huge and important economic engine. Through your economic participation, working and buying, you’re helping grow and restabilize the world economy. Is that enough for you to lean in and make the most out of your career? It doesn’t have to be the main reason you keep going to work every day, striving to get ahead and support yourself and your family, but it’s yet another good reason to feel good about all the hard work you do.
FREE PDF Guide to Women in Leadership
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
Even though InPower Women isn’t yet a year old (9 months and counting!), I feel like it’s a birthday of sorts. It was in the midst of last year’s holiday season that April and I began talking in earnest about what we wanted InPower Women to become. I’m happy to say that it has become all that – and more!
What I’m most proud of is the amazing women we’re attracting; who know they are powerful, even when they don’t always understand why; who are committed to exploring their own power in their work and in their world; and who are open and willing to support each other. I’m also proud of the many men who’ve shared their views with us and contributed their writings.
2013 is looking bright and exciting from where we sit and we’re very excited to be helping hundreds of women and men get the new year off to a bright start with a free webinar later this month on how to set life-changing intentions. We have many goals for the year ahead and I’d like to offer up an opportunity for us to help you and you to help us grow and continue to thrive. Research says that many women don’t ask for what they want – and that isn’t us! We’re all about asking and offering to help. Below is a list of some of the things we’re looking for help with this year. If you can help, please reply in comments or contact us.
Also, let us know what we can do for you this year. Are there certain topics you’d like to hear from us on more often? Topics we don’t cover that you’d like to hear from us on? Webinar subjects we can offer? Philanthropies we can work with? Research studies we can list? We love to hear from you with your ideas and viewpoints!
Can You Help InPower Women in 2013?
This year is going to be great as we refine and expand some of our content to help you tap more of your internal power to succeed. Here are a few specific things we’re seeing help with in the new year. If you can help, let us know!
Do you know a business or association looking for refreshing women’s leadership workshops or online programs? We’d love an introduction!
Do you – or someone you know – write INpowering blog posts we could feature on our blog? We’re always looking for new voices.
Do you know a website that should be linking to our Research Index on women in business? We’d love an introduction!
Do you know women’s study or marketing students looking for internship opportunities?
Please do let us know what we can do for you in the months ahead and have a wonderful 2013!
Note from the Editor: The staff of InPower women is taking some time off this week, as we hope you are, so we are reposting this popular post you may have missed. Happy Holidays!
As an advocate for the underserved in her community, Gloria is recognized as a true leader. She’s smart, resourceful and has a commanding presence. She is unafraid to challenge injustice wherever she sees it, standing up to any person or process that she feels is harming others. Because of her courage, others have come to rely on her to take the difficult stands that they themselves are afraid to take. Tough and courageous, Gloria is a shining example of the grit-based leadership style at its best.
And yet…
Gloria was starting to experience the limitations of her style. When she was forceful, the world often responded to her with force, which took its toll on her. The more others relied on her courage, the more she enabled them to avoid their own. After years of experiencing the gifts of grit, Gloria started to experience the perils of over investing that style. She came to me for coaching, and we worked to help her integrate more grace into her native grit style. (more…)
I was having dinner with a friend, a very successful consultant, whom I hadn’t seen for quite a while. As we munched on a Caesar salad, I talked about my research on successful women. “I asked myself, what did these women, from many walks of life, share in common?” I told my friend. “What I discovered really surprised me. And because it surprised me, I knew I could trust this finding. A secret to these women’s success, I realized, had to do with how they dealt with vulnerability, their own and others’. They were able to transform vulnerabilities into strengths.” My friend leaned back in his chair and said, “You better not use that word with leaders. No leader wants to talk about vulnerability! They won’t go there.”
Really, I thought to myself? No leader wants to think about managing vulnerability? It’s not a question of going there. It’s a matter of already being there. In a complex, interdependent global reality, low predictability and low control define today’s reality. These uncertain times by nature are vulnerable times. How you deal with vulnerability has a lot to do with defining your character and leadership style. If leaders and managers deny their vulnerability, what does that say about their effectiveness and ability to learn from mistakes? How can you expand your understanding of things if you can’t admit you’re wrong?
Michele Bachmann’s embarrassing faux pas about the Founding Fathers (she said that they worked tirelessly to end slavery) is a case in point. Here’s a person with a staff who sees herself as a future president, and is either intentionally revising history or doesn’t care enough to know the facts. But even worse were the contortions she went through to justify her statement when she was brought to task. Is it so hard to simply say, “I was wrong, I made a mistake”?
Sarah Palin’s comment on the Paul Revere ride and making it a case for the Second Amendment is a similar example. What’s wrong with saying, “I didn’t get it quite right, but I’ve got it now”? Instead, we get all this rationalization, victimization and fast footwork. And admitting a “misstatement” comes short of owning up. Rather than “man up,” how about we “own up” to all the false and misguided statements we’ve made?
It’s not to say that we haven’t seen leaders and politicians admit being wrong or making a mistake. The mea culpas keep coming from philandering husbands, from Edwards to Spitzer to Ensign. Admitting wrong for personal issues seems to have more approval than for a professional issue.
To make a wrong right, you have to start out with admitting you are wrong. That’s the problem with many of the lawsuits that get settled behind closed doors, such as the sex discrimination suit filed against Morgan Stanley (now Morgan Stanley Smith Barney). Making sealed deals with no admission of wrongdoing is not progress; it’s denying a vulnerability and therefore not addressing it in an effective and constructive way.
In order to manage vulnerability effectively, you have to be strong enough to admit that you are wrong and care enough to do something about it. Admitting you are wrong is not just about a weakness but also about an opportunity to learn and grow. It requires a special kind of strength: humility.
We need our leaders to model managing vulnerability in a constructive way. Of course, there is always the fear of being diminished or demeaned, and in a culture that so heavily denies vulnerability, this is certainly a possibility. But our future as a society rests in how we deal with all the vulnerabilities we face individually and collectively and how we respond to others being vulnerable. When we can transform vulnerabilities into learning opportunities for everyone, and cast them in a positive light, then that can lead to new strengths.
January 1st is coming fast! If you’re like most of us, you’re knee-deep in year-end closing reports, next year budgets, family holiday planning and… stress! Work Life (much less balance!) at the end of the year is just crazy – largely because we’re scrambling to meet so many goals we set for ourselves (and those set by others). Even though it feels nutty, this is actually a good time to take a deep breath and think strategically about how we set our goals – for meetings, days, weeks and years – to help us reduce stress and increase productivity. In this three part video series, and webinar on the subject, we’re looking at the power of Intention-setting (a strategic goal-setting approach) to do just that!
Intentions are goal-statements formatted to describe success holistically. This provides you and others more information about the success being sought, which helps you and others working to achieve it be more creative in your strategies. Intentions also enable flexibility and rapid-response when “life happens” and reality intervenes to muck up your plans. Intentions work on both the professional and personal level and are a leader’s best friend for helping stay sane and accomplish more.
Watch the video below for more and to receive a quick exercise you can do right now to help you think more strategically about your goals for 2013.
Register now for the complimentary webinar next month on 2013 goal-setting to view the whole video series (15 min), and have a happy holiday!
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
If you haven’t started thinking about your goals for next 2013, you better get cracking! In this three part video series, and December webinar on the subject, we’re evaluating what makes a good goal statement – the kind that is more likely to be achieved!
Simple goal statements like “in 2013 we will increase revenues 10%” are fine on PowerPoints and year-end reviews but they lack a lot of necessary information to help those responsible for achieving them be successful. Sometimes we use “objectives” as higher level goals statements to try to provide this greater context, but I want to suggest that you use Intentions instead. Intentions are specifically designed to include the information necessary – including a broader picture of success – that enables you to be flexible creative and innovative when reality throws you a curve-ball. Intentions work on both an individual and team level.
Watch the video below for more and to receive a quick exercise you can do right now to help you learn to set Intentions.
Register now for the complimentary webinar next month on 2013 goal-setting to view the whole video series(15 min).
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
It’s sad that the glass ceiling still exists. Even though there has been progress, we still have a long way to go regarding women enjoying equality in important leadership positions and compensation.
Far too few capable women are offered positions with the responsibilities and influence they have earned and deserve, and far too many women are looked over for advancement opportunities. Why? There could be many reasons, but certainly two are 1) men making their own assumptions about what women can and cannot do and 2) men feeling “threatened”, maybe even subconsciously so. A friend of mine, Maria Burton Nelson, writes about this particular scenario in her book, The Stronger Women Get, The More Men Love Football.
This is neither fair to women nor to their organizations. Indeed, I believe women are naturally better than men at some of the key qualities of highly effective leadership. Generally, women are:
Better listeners
More inclusive
More caring
More willing to be vulnerable, to admit they can always do better
More willing to ask for opinions, ideas and feedback
These are not minor qualities. They are integral to helping others do their best work and to the productivity of the overall organization.
In general, women are more competitive than when I entered the workforce. They are more likely to have played sports and have competed for academic standings in co-educational colleges and graduate schools. Even if they did not compete in sports, they are more likely to be active and fit. In addition, as my friend Kari Uman pointed out to me yesterday, women today have at least some role models in business. I can attest that there were few years ago.
In addition to a willingness of today’s male-dominated senior executives to give their high achieving female colleagues opportunities to reach high levels of responsibilities and authority, many women suggest that more mentoring would be enormously helpful. Such mentoring can help with:
Confidence
Can-do attitudes
Executive presence
Encouragement
Willingness to step out of one’s comfort zone
Readiness to help grow revenues with new clients
Leadership roles in community activities
Gaining more visibility in one’s industry
These are all important qualities and can help anyone advance, regardless of gender.
I have written this paper not motivated by women’s rights, although equal rights are certainly important to me. Rather, I write as a student of leadership and knowing how capable women are as leaders. I earnestly believe American business, “Corporate America”, would benefit greatly with many more capable women at her most senior levels.
Happy Thanksgiving! In the U.S. we love to look forward to this day of family and food. And we love to dread a few traditions that usually come along with family and food, too. And somehow work just doesn’t slow down.
Here’s a little secret to managing the work-life craziness.
Let the gratitude in NOW and keep it.
Don’t worry about “balance”, just be you. In your life. Now. Don’t strive to have it all, simply have what is yours now In this moment. Carry gratitude with you through the nuttiness, and the too much or too little family and food, and the work that doesn’t stop. Pretend that whatever you’re grateful for is bigger than everything else in your life and your day, and watch the rest of it suck less of your energy as you give more to the gratitude that is giving to you.
When gratitude fills me, I’m so much better at my jobs – all of them – Thank YOU
Yes, I still get a little full of too much family and food, but that’s ok, because I’m also stuffed full of gratitude – for you and for all the wonderful people who are helping me, themselves and our world by bringing more power into their lives one choice at a time. I’m grateful for my family and my dog. I’m grateful for the Internet and Apple products. I’m grateful for an economy slowly on the rise. I’m grateful for the resilience of the human spirit.
When in doubt, say thank you.
This grateful optimism sees me through the challenging times of building and managing a business. It builds employee loyalty and business relationships for me that pay off financially and otherwise. It makes my life worth living and my business worth running. I couldn’t run my business or my life without it. It’s one of my most important business assets. Soon Thanksgiving will be over, and I’ll be grateful that I still have gratitude to take with me throughout the next twelve months until I’m a bit too full of it again.
Happy Thanksgiving, my friend. I’m oh, so grateful for you.
Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. ~Melody Beattie
