by Guest Author | Dec 1, 2024 | Coaching Advice, Corporate Culture, Emotional Intelligence at Work, People Skills
Key Takeaways:
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Integrity as the Antidote to Toxic Corporate Culture: In environments where negativity and dysfunction prevail, introducing integrity can act as a transformative force. By upholding commitments and fostering trust, leaders can counteract pervasive toxicity.
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Empowering Personal Responsibility: Even within a larger toxic corporate culture, individuals can create “culture bubbles”—pockets where personal standards and behaviors promote a healthier work environment.
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Leadership’s Role in Cultural Transformation: True cultural change stems from leadership that consistently models integrity, both publicly and privately. This commitment sets a standard that others are likely to follow.
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Simplicity in Practice: Integrity doesn’t require grand gestures; it’s about consistently doing what you say you’ll do. This straightforward approach can lead to profound cultural shifts.
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Overcoming the Fear of Accountability: While acknowledging breaches of integrity can be uncomfortable, it’s essential for growth. Embracing this discomfort leads to stronger personal and organizational integrity.
In a recent leadership development workshop I facilitated, one woman bravely spoke her truth about the reality of the toxic corporate culture they all worked in. It was dysfunctional. Managers were petty and their pettiness was only overshadowed by the pettiness of the leaders above them. All these great ideas we were generating in the training – all this great energy – how could they keep it alive when everyone went back to their regularly scheduled work life the next day?
Enter, Reality
I welcomed this dissolution of the kumbaya moment, because acknowledging the reality of a situation – warts and all – is a critical step to claiming our own personal power to deal with it. (Reality, that is. Not warts.) In addition to giving me a chance for a short pep talk, I also jumped on this opportunity to demonstrate to these rising leaders how, even within the larger culture, they had the personal power to create their own little “culture bubbles,” with different agreements within their sphere of control on what would and wouldn’t be tolerated. (Chris McGoff has a wonderful and actionable definition of culture as the line between what a group does and doesn’t tolerate. Check out his PRIME, CULTURE
Together we developed some cultural bubble definitions that could survive within the larger, more toxic culture. And then we had an illuminating conversation. I asked them to choose the single most important principle (chosen from The PRIMES , universal principles of group dynamics) to promote into the toxic corporate culture in order to change it. The results were conclusive: INTEGRITY got 13 votes and the next most popular on the list only got four votes. The group believed that INTEGRITY had a better chance – beating out its closest competitor by more than 400% – to impact the culture for the better.
An (Anti) Poison Pill?
It got me thinking about culture-making projects I’ve worked on where everyone accepts defeat at the outset, because “Cultural change is impossible. Toxicity wins.” These projects stand in stark contrast to the situations where culture change happens spontaneously when new leadership comes in and – just changes it.
I believe it’s true. I believe that a value and practice as simple and strong as INTEGRITY could actually become an antidote to toxicity in corporate cultures. I believe it because I’ve seen it work and it invariably works best (but not only) from the top down. When toxic cultures bubble from the bottom up, it’s because leadership allows it to happen; but truly healthy cultures can only flow from the top down. Leadership shoulders the responsibility for being this kind of change and being the change is not the same as modeling it. When you model an attitude, it’s as though you’re wearing a jacket, which everyone including you knows you can take off when the door closes. Cultural change only happens when behavior is consistent behind and in front of closed doors.
So what chance does a single principle have to “infect” an entire culture for the better? With enthusiasm like a 400% greater popularity index, INTEGRITY is a leading contender for a simple antidote to cultural toxicity.
If It Was Easy….
So why hasn’t anyone invented this little red pill yet? The reasons are numerous, of course, but I would say that it comes down to a simplistic understanding of what integrity actually is. When I do PRIMES Leadership Development trainings – I always ask people what integrity means to them. People consistently use the definition we use: do what you say you’ll do. So simple. The reality of life makes following this little six word maxim challenging, of course, but primarily because we’re so used to saying what others want us to say, regardless of what is actually doable. If you know your boss wants to hear that you’ll make it back for the 3pm staff meeting when your client meeting wraps up across town at 2:45, how often do you just say, “sure boss, see you there!” and just show up late? How often does s/he let you get away with it because it’s what they want to hear?
Living in integrity has other benefits too. It buffs up your personal brand and helps you live in alignment with your higher self. Literally, you have nothing to lose. Working in integrity isn’t so hard if you give yourself permission to:
- Be precise about what you commit to based on factors under your control (e.g., I’ll leave the client’s office no later than 2:50 and come straight back to the meeting.)
- Be the first to recognize your own breaches of integrity (they will happen!)
- Be consistent so that others come to believe your word is your action.
- Let go of the guilt that you can’t do everything you or everyone else wants you to and enjoy the fact that you’re living in integrity!
Try it. Create your own little “culture bubble” of integrity. Teach your team to do the same. The higher up you are, the broader impact you can have. Go ahead, be the antidote. I dare you!
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Guide to Women in Leadership
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
by Guest Author | Nov 30, 2024 | Career Development
Key Takeaways:
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Word choices shape more than just conversations—they influence your reality, your relationships, and the path your life takes. Every word you say holds weight.
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Workplace jargon can subtly shift perception and behavior, often reinforcing exclusion or discouraging leadership—so it’s time we question the language we normalize.
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As a leader, your words can either empower or undermine. The expectations you express become self-fulfilling, shaping team performance and morale.
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The way you describe yourself—on a resume, LinkedIn, or in conversation—reflects your beliefs about your capabilities. Shift the language, and you shift your self-image.
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Think of yourself as a brand. Ditch outdated or limiting language and experiment with powerful, authentic word choices to tell the story of who you truly are and who you want to become.
What if everything you said mattered? Would you speak differently? Most of us would. Mary takes it to a whole new level, and helps us understand the importance of our words. – InPower Editors
Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
-Frank Outlaw
A few weeks ago, I was at a user experience professional event in Dallas. It was a lightening talk event – 20 slides presented in about 5 minutes. It was an informative night, but one presentation left a proufound impact.
It was a presentation by Ken Tabor about Lao Tzu and the Tao Te Ching.
Perceptions are reality, and generally this is true. If you describe people as untrustworthy, you will believe people are untrustworthy, and therefore be around people who are untrustworthy. There are 2 reasons why:
- You attract what you think about (Law of Attraction)
- Your subconsicous looks for traits in others that you believe are true to validate your defined reality – or, you look for people to be untrustworthy
Jargon defines work experiences
At work, many of us use jargon. But jargon can be alienating to people who don’t understand it. Those who know what certain phrases mean form a “club,” where membership requires knowing the definitions. But this jargon comes with some nuances that the members who use it don’t consciously realize exist.
In marketing the latest buzzword is “snackable content,” or information that can quickly be read, understood and shared. This phrase makes no sense outside of marketing – you can’t eat content. But the phrase sums up a marketer’s perception of content – thoughts are consumable, like food; and information can be transformed into something ad-like.
One expression I find troubling is “throat to choke,” or identifying a single entity to be responsible for a project. The expression implies that someone could be “choked” for a mistake. Most organizations encourage leadership, responsibility, and accountability, but this expression implies that grave consequences come with that. If you hear this expression enough, you may subconsciously decide that responsibility is too risky and pass on being a leader.
There are other expressions that have multi-layered meanings that you may not always consider; but they do impact your perception of how business gets done.
Words define leadership
Your word choice influences how you lead your team.
Self-fulfilling prophecies, it turns out, are just as prevalent in offices as they are in elementary school classrooms. If a manager is convinced that the people in her group are first-rate, they’ll reliably outperform a group whose manager believes the reverse—even if the innate talent of the two groups is similar.
–J. Sterling Livingston, Pygmalion in Management, Harvard Business Review
This is the Pygmalion Effect – the greater the expectation placed upon people, the better they perform.
The Pygmalion effect enables staff to excel in response to the manager’s message that they are capable of success and expected to succeed. The Pygmalion effect can also undermine staff performance when the subtle communication from the manager tells them the opposite.
–Susan M. Heathfield, The Pygmalion Effect: The Power of the Supervisor’s Expectations
This demonstrates how words have power, especially when they come from places of power.
Words define who you are – and who you can be
The Pygmalion effect can apply to how you define yourself.
Look at your resume or LinkedIn profile – how do you describe your work experience? Your achievements? The words you use reflect how you view yourself and therefore, how others perceive what you can do.
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
–Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching
Affirmations are one way to change how you see yourself and others see you.
If you believe the phrase you are what you think, then life truly stems from your thoughts. But we cannot rely purely on thoughts; we must translate thoughts into words and eventually into actions in order to manifest our intentions. This means we have to be very careful with our words, choosing to speak only those which work towards our benefit and cultivate our highest good. Affirmations help purify our thoughts and restructure the dynamic of our brains so that we truly begin to think nothing is impossible.
–Dr. Carmen Harra, 35 Affirmations That Will Change Your Life, Huffington Post
All this benefit comes from subtle changes to your word choices. And it can work.
Lao Tzu and Tom Peters have something in common: both believe(d) that you are who you think you are. In 1997 Tom Peters wrote Brand You, which reminds us that we each have a brand, like corporations. And like any brand, the words you choose to describe yourself impact how others see you.
Start right now: as of this moment you’re going to think of yourself differently! You’re not an “employee” of General Motors, you’re not a “staffer” at General Mills, you’re not a “worker” at General Electric or a “human resource” at General Dynamics (ooops, it’s gone!). Forget the Generals! You don’t “belong to” any company for life, and your chief affiliation isn’t to any particular “function.” You’re not defined by your job title and you’re not confined by your job description.
Starting today you are a brand.
–Tom Peters, The Brand Called You, Fast Company
When an agency brands a company, they brainstorm a number of approaches to describe it, refusing to include limiting labels, jargon, or common phrases. Be like an agency – experiment with words to describe who you are and remove any limits you may have imposed on yourself using traditional descriptions.
Words have an incredible impact in our lives – more than we may want to admit. We define our thoughts through words, we communicate with words, we describe objects with words. Words define our perceptions and create our reality. So choose your words wisely when you describe your experiences – what you say may come true for you, your team and even your profession.
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
InPower Women’s Mastermind
We don’t Mastermind your business. We Mastermind YOU!
by Guest Author | Nov 28, 2024 | Emotional Intelligence at Work, Leadership, Women in Leadership, Work-Life Blend, Working Moms
Key Takeaways:
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Emotional intelligence isn’t a trait you either have or don’t—it’s something you can lose and reclaim. For me, rediscovering it after burnout completely changed my leadership, motherhood, and happiness.
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Self-awareness is the first step toward transformation. Starting a journal helped me name the negative emotions I was carrying—and begin replacing them with optimism and energy.
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Empathy isn’t a soft skill—it’s a superpower. The moment I realized others were struggling too, I started connecting again. That connection brought healing for me and support for others.
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Emotional intelligence gave me permission to stop chasing perfection and start leading with vulnerability. It helped me show up more authentically—and that’s exactly what my team needed.
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When we, as Working Moms, take time to process our thoughts and feelings, we become better leaders, partners, and humans. The real energy drain? Suppressing what’s real inside us.
Doesn’t becoming a mom make us more emotionally intelligent? Lizzy surprised herself with a 360 that said, “um, no!” Peak into Liz’s journey back to emotional intelligence in this interesting post about the impact of motherhood on her professional performance. – InPower Editors
What Doesn’t Break You Does Make You Stronger
After I returned from my 2nd maternity leave, I missed out on a promotion.
Not only had I missed out on a new job opportunity I had a lot going on at home. I was now a mother of two (I’m a mother of three now) and my daughter was colicky (aka sleepless nights). This adjustment period was extremely challenging and didn’t help with my mood at work. I was juggling so many emotions that I just broke. I shut down. I was unhappy.
Before this perceived turmoil, I was an extremely happy and optimistic leader on my team. It was a big strength of mine to read people well. I knew how to put a genuine smile on my colleagues faces. Customer service skills was my forte. Motivation—my middle name. I could listen well and put myself in other people’s shoes. My glass was always half full. I was a go-getter and loved being a go-to person.
After the missed opportunity, I became very angry, silent, closed-up, and resentful. After a while this behavior became utterly exhausting but I couldn’t figure out how to change. A different perspective was unimaginable. It did not help that my new boss (the position that was promised to me) admitted, privately, that I was better qualified than he. Yikes, how do you keep your cool after hearing something like that? I had worked long hours picking up shifts, watching over the department while my manager was out, took on the more advanced and customer-sensitive technical projects, while being pregnant with my 2nd child. I was burnout in my current role so I was thrilled to earn my best performance review in my life before I left to have my second child. I told anyone that would listen that I couldn’t wait to go back to work because I’d be starting a new role.
This Disappointment Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
The next thing that happened is what sparked my adventure to become a Working Mom Coach and a different kind of leader. I reached out to an Executive Coach I knew for help. He introduced me to the world of coaching and Emotional Intelligence.
My coach gave me an Emotional Intelligence assessment and the results were disheartening. I lacked empathy and joy. I guess a test didn’t have to tell me. These results were peculiar though because they were the complete opposite of how I had previously viewed myself.
Discovering Emotional Intelligence Was a Slap of Reality
It was the new perspective that I needed and a way for me to get out of my funk. It was a reminder of who I used to be and a guideline on how to create a new and improved me!! It helped me manifest my new definition of “normal” for a lot had changed in my life.
The good news is that Emotional Intelligence isn’t something that you either have or don’t have. I had it, lost it, and then rediscovered it. Emotional Intelligence is something that can be taught, if you’re open to it. I realized I was tired not only from sleep deprivation but from a severe negative attitude. Emotional Intelligence taught me self-awareness. I started a journal and took a closer look at what I was feeling. This brought my optimism back. Three years later my first book, “Igniting Mommy Energy” was born.
It’s a game changer when you become aware of the emotions that others are feeling. Empathy is an incredible asset. I recognized that although I was going through my own struggles, both professionally and personally, others were, too. Everyone in my world needed the “old” Liz back as much as I needed her.
I felt alone at work with what I was going through so I reached out to other Working Moms in my company as well as on social media. I discovered a whole new world online with dependable resources. A burning desire to join and assist Working Moms exploded inside of me. And so I joined a coaching school to become certified and began a new leadership journey.
When I Reached the Light At the End of the Tunnel
Now I am out talking to groups of Working Moms about why they are tired so often and feel pressed for time. One reason is the zillion of emotions and thoughts we roll through which go unprocessed. When we take the time to assess the built up emotions we can think more clearly and be more. This takes Mommy Energy.
I am a different kind of leader now. I view my emotional thinking as a strength instead of a weakness. Empathy is now my middle name. I live an authentic life and am more transparent. By being more open other Working Moms learn from my story. I am compassionate and more loving toward my fellow peers. I had worked in a male-dominate field most of my career so this was a big change for me. In essence, I care and feel more now than ever before and it feels fabulous.
Emotional Intelligence changed my career, my leadership style, basically my life as a Working Mom. Without it, and coaching, I may still be stuck in that angry-resentful Working Mom phase. All it took was courage to look inside, rediscovery of what had been put aside, and acting on positive emotions with a brave heart.
Now we’d love to hear from you! Have you had a similar experience? How has emotional intelligence helped you with your leadership role? Leave a comment below we are waiting to learn more about YOU!
Check out the resources in the InPower Coaching EQ at Work and Soft Skills Research Index.
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Guide to Women in Leadership
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
by Guest Author | Nov 26, 2024 | Across Generations
Key Takeaways:
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Advice for girls: Your happiness isn’t found in checking all the boxes. It’s found in tuning into what you want, defining success on your own terms, and refusing to burn out trying to be everything to everyone.
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Experiences—not stuff—are where lasting joy lives. Let’s stop teaching girls that their value is tied to labels and start helping them build lives full of meaningful moments, not material things.
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Help girls focus on self-efficacy, not just self-esteem. Learning how to fall, get back up, and keep going is what actually builds confidence—not participation trophies or empty praise.
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Encourage healthy risk-taking. Girls need to raise their hands, speak up, and try things before they feel 100% ready. That’s where growth happens, and it’s how they’ll build real resilience.
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Help girls break free from faulty thinking. Perfectionism, people-pleasing, and waiting for “someday happiness” are traps. Vulnerability, curiosity, and courage are the new success strategies.
Sometimes it’s hard to take good advice for ourselves, but when we remember we’re acting as role models for our daughters and other young women in our lives, it can get easier. We love Paula’s excellent advice for young women (and older women too!) – InPower Editors
Women’s happiness levels have been on the decline for the past few decades, so says a 2009 study entitled, The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness. If that is the case, what are young women and girls learning about what it means to be happy? Who are their happiness role models? It wasn’t until I burned out after seven years of practicing law that I gave much thought to my own happiness. If you could give some advice to young women and girls about how to build happiness, what would you say? Here is my list, which is based on my own personal experiences, what gets my clients stuck, and the research.
Maxing out isn’t healthy. Many young women want to go to a good college, get a good job, find a good relationship, and be good moms. When leaning in turns into burning out, though, women experience serious health, relationship, and emotional consequences that aren’t easily fixed. Rather than focusing on “having it all,” let’s ask young women what they want and help them define success on their own terms.
Buy more experiences and less stuff. When I was a teenager, I wanted to have the same cool clothes as my friend’s sister—she had all of the name brand stuff and I thought she was so cool. When I graduated from law school and started practicing, it was nice to be able to afford a trendy new handbag here and there. Having stuff isn’t bad, but materialism is. Not only does materialism not bring happiness, it’s a strong predictor of unhappiness. One study examined the attitudes of 12,000 freshman when they were eighteen, then measured their life satisfaction at age thirty-seven. Those who had expressed materialistic aspirations as freshmen were less satisfied with their lives two decades later (Nickerson, Schwartz, Diener, & Kahneman, 2003). My husband and I don’t live in a big house and my car is almost ten years old, and that is by design. Living below our means allowed me to start my own business when my law career ended and it allows us to travel—experiences that have changed my life far more than a new car.
Focus on self-efficacy rather than self-esteem. Self-esteem is the evaluation of your own self worth, while self-efficacy is your ability to feel like you can produce results in your own life. When I first heard psychologist Dr. Karen Reivich, talk about the differences between the two, I was convinced that self-efficacy is the more important focus. When young women and girls get an “A” or a trophy for simply showing up, they are robbed of the ability to learn how to adjust and deal with failure. Unfortunately, we’ve overshot the mark in trying to protect our kids from this evil thing called failure when in reality, failure builds resilience.
Take (good) risks. When you are asked to give a presentation, try out for a team, or do something new, what do you do? Do you shy away or jump in? Would it surprise you to know that when it comes to evaluating ability, men tend to overestimate theirs and women tend to underestimate theirs (Reilly & Mulhern, 1995). Think back to how your eight-year-old self was praised. Dr. Carol Dweck explains that young girls are often praised for being “smart” or “good,” while young boys are often praised for “trying hard.” As a result, many young girls develop a fixed mindset—the belief that ability is fixed or static. She avoids challenges, tries to look smart, gives up easily, and sees added effort as fruitless. Meanwhile, young boys tend to develop a growth mindset—the belief that ability can be developed. He embraces challenges, persists during setbacks, and believes that with more effort, he can master a task. Not all girls have fixed mindsets and not all boys have growth mindsets, but Dr. Dweck’s research certainly suggests that the way boys and girls are praised has consequences later in life (Dweck, 2008).
Don’t get stuck in your own faulty thinking. When I speak to students and professionals about my own experiences with burnout, I describe myself as a “people pleasing, perfectionist, achieve-aholic.” It’s my way of illustrating how the faulty assumptions we make and our deep patterns of thinking undercut happiness and resilience and create a lot of stress in our lives. If you catch yourself thinking any of the following, pay attention to what is driving your belief system:
** What will people think of me?
** I have to be perfect.
** I have to achieve more.
** I can handle it all on my own.
Perfection really does not exist. It took me years to realize how destructive the pursuit of perfection really is. Thinking you have to do things perfectly and/or be perfect is like carrying around a heavy weight on your back, and it absolutely crushes creativity. According to research professor Dr. Brene Brown, “Perfection is correlated with depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis or missed opportunities. The fear of failing, making mistakes, not meeting people’s expectations, and being criticized keeps us outside of the arena where healthy competition and striving unfolds” (Brown, 2012).
Vulnerability is good. The less I focused on perfection and the more I focused on being vulnerable, the more opportunities unfolded for me. Vulnerability is what helped me stop my law practice, go back to school, and start a new business working with people and on projects I could never have imagined. Don’t get me wrong, I HATE being vulnerable and it absolutely does not come easy to me. It’s a daily practice, in fact, but the alternative is a life where I’m not fully “all in,” and that’s just not acceptable to me anymore.
Avoid happiness traps. Many women (myself included) have bought into one or more of these happiness myths at some point in their lives—I call them the “I’ll be happy when’s:”
** I’ll be happy when I get married or find that great relationship
** I’ll be happy when I make more money
** I’ll be happy when I have kids
** I’ll be happy when I lose weight
** I’ll be happy when I change jobs/get a new job/get promoted
Our culture spins a very seductive story for young women, making it seem as though they’re not worthy or can’t be happy unless and until they’ve achieved these milestones
These messages will help young women and girls take control of their happiness, resilience, and health. What would you add?
Originally on: Physchology Today
Check out the resources in the InPower Coaching EQ at Work and Soft Skills Research Index.
InPower Women’s Mastermind
We don’t Mastermind your business. We Mastermind YOU!
by Dana Theus | Nov 24, 2024 | Coaching Advice, Personal Mastery
Key Takeaways:
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Being bold at work means owning your voice, taking up space, and acting with purpose—even when it’s uncomfortable. Boldness isn’t arrogance; it’s alignment with your values and belief in your own worth.
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Playing it safe might keep you liked, but it won’t move your career forward. Bold professionals speak up, challenge the status quo, and take risks that align with what matters most.
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Confidence isn’t something you have—it’s something you practice. Start small: share your ideas, ask the tough questions, and advocate for yourself, even when your voice shakes.
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Boldness doesn’t mean going it alone. Find your allies, mentors, and peer champions who encourage you to stretch and hold you accountable when you play small.
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The workplace doesn’t change unless we do. Your courage to be bold creates space for others to do the same. It’s not just personal growth—it’s leadership in action.
We often give advice to leaders, “Be bold!”
Why?
Here are the typical reasons for being bold that I hear:
You’ll get noticed
You’ll move faster forward (failing and succeeding both)
You’ll get outside the box
All good reasons!
But here’s why I want you to be bold: you’ll develop the habit of stretching yourself.
Most of us move forward in our lives in a rather jerky fashion. We make a change (intentionally or otherwise) and then spend a lot of time dealing what just happened.
If you’re going to lead something, however, jerkiness will backfire on you – personally and with those who choose to follow you (and yes, it’s always a choice in the end.) Jerkiness leads to exhaustion.
Yes, there is an ebb and flow that we need to create when we spawn new initiatives and then absorb the change and keep moving. When being bold is your habit; you are living on the edge of what is new and what is old; what you understand and what you don’t; what works and what-you-don’t know-if-it-works yet.
To be bold and live on the edge of your experience, you need to learn to master discomfort and fear. You must learn to respect these warning bells without letting them stop you. You need to learn how they sound when they’re right to hold you back and when they’re baseless. We humans are never perfect interpreters of those clanging bells, either personally or organizationally, but as leaders we must be better than most at learning when to heed their guidance. And when not to.
When you’re living on the edge of bold, you’re stretching yourself and getting to know yourself better all the time. And most importantly, you’re expanding.
Great leaders are expansive. Their leadership is a result, not necessarily of what they’ve experienced, but of what they learned from what they experienced. Are you learning everyday? Are you taking risks right on the edge of your comfort zone and watching what happens with a critical eye, determined to do it better next time? Are you constantly creating “next time” opportunities? Are you interpreting your experience so that others around you can learn as you learn?
If so, you might just be leading. Keep it up!
InPower Women’s Mastermind
We don’t Mastermind your business. We Mastermind YOU!
by Guest Author | Nov 22, 2024 | Career Development, InPower Women Blog
Key Takeaways:
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Receiving feedback as a woman often means managing style critiques, not just performance issues: Women are disproportionately given feedback about how they behave—not just what they achieve. This makes receiving feedback more personal and often more difficult to process constructively.
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Avoid the classic traps—denial, blame, intensification, abandonment, and ‘style whack-a-mole’: These knee-jerk reactions may feel instinctive but will keep you stuck. Real growth begins when you stop defending and start discerning.
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Even unfair feedback holds a learning nugget: Whether the critique rings true or not, there’s always something to gain—whether it’s about your own behavior, the perspective of the feedback-giver, or the culture of your workplace.
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Authenticity beats adaptation overload: Constantly trying to be who others want you to be isn’t sustainable. Real influence comes from aligning your authentic self with the expectations of your environment—without losing your core identity.
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Use feedback as a leadership development tool: The most successful women leaders learn to mine stylistic feedback for gold. They use it to evolve, strengthen relationships, and grow their emotional intelligence—while staying true to their voice.
“Women and feedback” is a rich subject. Not only do we often have our own filters in place about what feedback “really means” (and we’re not always right!) but we DO receive feedback that’s different from what the men are hearing next to us. Leslie does a fabulous job unpacking this complicated subject and offering real world advice for how to use feedback to your advantage! -InPower Editors
The cover of the September issue of the Harvard Business Review shows a profile of a woman and three phrases in bold letters:
“Emotional”
“Bossy”
“Too nice”
If you’re a woman in the workplace, you have probably noticed that you’re a lot more likely than your male colleagues to get stylistic criticism. Like it or not, organizations still tend to pay as much attention to how woman behave as to what they accomplish.
I think receiving feedback of a stylistic nature is the hardest kind of feedback to deal with. It’s one thing to hear that your data was wrong or that your marketing strategy was weak. But stylistic feedback is about you. Whether or not it’s justified or accurate, it’s personal. To make matters worse, people often deliver this kind of feedback quite badly. So it’s hard to hear, hard to decipher and hard to address.
5 most common mistakes women make in receiving feedback on their leadership or work style
- Denial. This is an understandable and automatic response. If someone says we’re too emotional, we’re likely to respond with, “No I’m not.” Whether or not you feel the feedback is valid, dismissing it out of hand could come back to bite you.
- Blame. I had one client tell me, “I wouldn’t have to be so demanding if the people around me weren’t such idiots.” Even if every member of your team is woefully inadequate – as long you’re blaming others for your reactions, you’re not learning and the situation will not improve.
- Intensification. This seems counterintuitive, but I see it happen a lot. Someone gets feedback that what she’s doing isn’t working. Her initial reaction? To do what she’s been doing, but do it harder, longer, faster, more. One client told me, “No matter how much I support my team, they still aren’t delivering. I guess I need to be even more supportive.” In other words, in times of stress we tend to draw more heavily on what we already know and are good at. But when that isn’t getting results, doing more of it usually doesn’t help.
- Abandonment. This is the opposite response from intensification. The inner move here is, “They say I’m bossy. I guess I’ll just have to start beating around the bush and start sugar-coating everything.” Not a great strategy. You probably won’t be very good at it, and you definitely can’t sustain it long term. Most importantly, no one else is buying it.
- Style ‘whack a mole.’ Some women I’ve worked with try to suss out each situation and behave as they think others want them to act. I’m not talking about appropriate situational adjustment here, but rather a form of play-acting where you’re trying to be whoever/whatever you think others want you to be, in the hopes that you’ll avoid getting slammed. Big mistake. First of all, it’s exhausting. And ultimately it will backfire. You’ll come across as inauthentic, inconsistent or, worse, manipulative.
However unfair or unskillful stylistic feedback may be, it is always an opportunity to learn something. That’s where I always suggest that people start – looking for the learning nugget. Maybe you will discover something about yourself. Or maybe it can help you understand something new about the feedback-giver. Maybe it will give you valuable insight into the organization’s culture.
About yourself
The leaders I’ve worked with who were most successful at dealing with stylistic feedback have been able to find the grain of truth in it. One of my clients got feedback that she was too judgmental, to which she initially responded with blame. But when I asked her how her relationships at home were going, she reported that her daughter was intimidated by her and avoided contact. Despite the fact that my client still didn’t respect the views of the person who gave her feedback, she was able to see the thread of truth: that her forceful style was getting in the way of important relationships both at home and at work. From that point on, she invested fully in her own development and made stunning stylistic shifts. She developed a strong compassionate side, without ever losing her signature feistiness.
About the feedback giver
If you can’t find any evidence that the stylistic feedback you’ve received is accurate or valid, it still gives you insight into the values and preferences of the feedback-giver. While s/he may be saying that you’re objectively ‘too emotional,’ the meaning may actually be that your style is overpowering to him or her. You may learn from this feedback that dialing down your own intensity will help you to be more effective with that person.
About the organization and its culture
I’ve had a lot of clients who have changed organizations and been hit with stylistic feedback that they’ve never encountered before. Often, that’s because what was expected or acceptable in a previous environment is devalued in another. For example, I’ve coached many ex-military people who have transitioned to the civilian sector. Once lauded for their directness and clarity, they may be harshly criticized in their new environment for being overbearing. While this feedback may be confusing, it can provide crucial insights into the values of the new organization and the adjustments that you may have to make in order to be successful there.
If you’re a woman in the workplace, you are much more likely to receive feedback on your style than your male colleagues are. So you might as well plan for it. If it comes your way, try to make sure that you don’t fall for any of the classic unhelpful responses. Instead, use it as an opportunity to learn something – about yourself, the person giving you feedback, or your organization.
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
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Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
by Dana Theus | Nov 20, 2024 | Career Development, Coaching Advice
Key Takeaways
- Getting promoted is not just about hard work: While dedication is important, getting promoted requires a deeper understanding of how the system works. You need to be strategic and play the game effectively.
- Toot your own horn: Don’t be shy about your accomplishments! Make sure your boss knows how your work has made a real difference.
- Leadership starts now: You don’t need a fancy title to be a leader. Take initiative, even in small ways, to show you’re ready for more responsibility.
- Build your brand: What makes you unique? Cultivate your professional image and align it with the kind of work you want to do.
- Network like a boss: Build relationships inside and outside your company. Networking can open doors to new opportunities and valuable insights.
- Show savvy about the next level: Show that you’re ready for the next level by demonstrating the skills and mindsets you’ll need to succeed there. (Hint: The problems of first line manager are different than a VP. Show that you know the difference.)
You may not want to become CEO, but you do want to feel as though you’re progressing in your career, gaining new skills, gaining more meaningful work, making more money, and broadening your scope of authority beyond your current role. This is particularly true if gaining a leadership role is appealing. Climbing the ladder isn’t all there is to career development, but over the course of your career, some vertical progression and moving to a bigger role simply makes you feel better about yourself. Getting promoted gives you a greater sense that you have more control over your life than if you stayed in the same job year after year.
The problem is that sometimes earning a promotion feels like a treasure hunt with no map. It’s a mystery as to how to get ahead, and very frustrating when you think you’re doing things right, but the promotion doesn’t come. It’s very common in these situations to feel like:
- No one sees your potential
- Other people are getting more attention than they deserve
- Your hard work isn’t valued
- You’re hitting a glass ceiling of bias
While some or all of these things may be true, I notice that the clients who come to me in these situations often don’t understand some fundamental things about what actually earns people promotions to new jobs with more responsibility and authority. This is especially the case if they read articles like this that basically advise you to just do a good job. Doing a good job may be helpful early in your career, or as an individual contributor, but to move into a leadership role, you have to get smart about how the system works and adapt your career moves to be a player in the game you’re playing. To many people’s surprise, the following does not usually–by themselves–earn you the step up.
- Hard work
- Expertise
- Visibility
- Results
- Positive peer and staff reviews
- Who you know
In addition to playing the game better, there are some very specific approaches you need to take to earn promotions at the different levels of leadership. These are addressed at the end of this article. First, let’s focus on the core skills you need to master for moving up.
Understanding Your Value And Promoting Your Key Accomplishments
When you want to get promoted, understanding and articulating your value is crucial. Working hard isn’t enough. Your efforts must also be noticed and appreciated beyond your performance reviews. Start by taking stock of your key accomplishments, which is also a great way to build your confidence. Reflect on projects where your contribution made a significant difference—whether it streamlined a process, boosted the company’s revenue, or improved team morale. Put the top accomplishments into a story that form the backbone of your professional narrative.
Once you have refined the narrative of your career-to-date, you need to connect it to the story of the career you want to build and what excites you about your future. This gives you a context to position yourself for new kinds of success.
It’s critical that the people who will give you the promotion believe you’ll be successful in the new position. Their belief is based on your ability to communicate how you’ve added value in your current job and your excitement about earning new things that will make you even more valuable in the future, especially if you get promoted. Be clear and direct when discussing your ambitions with your supervisors. This isn’t just about trying to get promoted; it’s about seeking opportunities for professional growth and expressing your readiness to take on additional responsibilities. Your boss will more easily believe you’re ready for a new job when you show them you believe it, too.
Developing Leadership Skills from the Ground Up
Leadership isn’t reserved for those with a better title or corner office. It begins with how you handle responsibilities and interact with colleagues and co-workers at any level. To be seen as a higher-level leader, start by embracing opportunities to lead, no matter how small they may seem. This could be anything from managing a project to organizing a team outing (but beware of volunteering to do too much non-promotable work!) Such initiatives help you practice decision-making, use new tools, solve problems outside your box and learn to be a great team player, essential skills for any leader.
Active listening, communicating clearly with the bottom line first, and providing constructive feedback as a role model and managing up are all foundational to developing strong leadership qualities. These skills not only help in building rapport with your team but also enhance your ability to manage projects and guide your team towards achieving business goals. Remember, a good leader is also a good role model and effective communicator—focused on priorities, clear, concise, and open to dialogue.
Being open and welcoming of diverse people and viewpoints is another critical trait. It fosters an inclusive work environment and encourages open communication, making team members feel valued and understood. This approach not only improves team productivity but also boosts your reputation as a leader who cares about team dynamics and individual contributions.
Building and Evolving Your Personal Brand for Career Growth
Your personal brand should be a true reflection of who you are and what you stand for professionally. When you show up as your best self, focused on the issues and opportunities that mean the most to you and your business, this attitude forms a reputation that opens doors for exactly the kind of work you want to do more of in the future. To enhance your brand, start by identifying what makes you unique and brings you joy. Do you love being a tech-savvy innovator? A creative problem solver? A resilient team leader? Recognizing and leveraging these traits can help you stand out and align with opportunities that fit your skills and passions.
Seeking feedback is a powerful tool for personal brand development. Constructive criticism from peers, mentors, or coaches can provide new perspectives on your strengths and areas for improvement, guiding your professional development. If you’re already managing and leading people, consider getting a 360 assessment to give you insights you can’t get any other way. Remember, your personal brand is dynamic; it evolves as you grow in your career. Regularly update your skills, seek new experiences, and adjust your brand as you progress.
Managing issues that concern senior-level executives requires a mindset shift. Start thinking at the next level, working to solve problems your bosses–what keeps them up at night?–and how you can contribute to strategic goals, even from your current position.
By focusing on these areas, you set a strong foundation for continuous growth and advancement in your career. Whether you’re an aspiring manager or preparing to step into a CEO role, building an understanding of your value and leadership skills into a robust personal brand are key steps on the path to career success.
Building Relationships and Networking
Building stakeholder relationships and networking are pivotal for career development and job promotion. It’s not just about who you know but how well you cultivate and maintain these connections and curate your reputation in the minds of sponsors. Start by developing a network of relationships within your colleagues, across the company, and within your professional community. This can range from friendly interactions with teammates to mentoring relationships with senior colleagues who can offer invaluable advice and guidance.
To build helpful relationships, be a human being. Show genuine interest in your colleagues’ work and well-being, and be mindful of how you present yourself in various interactions. Proactively seek feedback and use it as a learning opportunity to grow and improve. Attend company events, join professional organizations, and participate in online communities related to your industry to expand your network.
Network to stay informed about new opportunities and trends in your field. By building relationships with industry peers, you can gain valuable insights and advice that can help you advance in your career. Remember, strong relationships are the foundation of a successful career, providing support, opportunities, and a platform for continuous growth.
Embracing Your Leadership Potential and Self-Confidence
It’s important to advocate for your own advancement. Understand and articulate your value in performance reviews and beyond. Don’t shy away from discussing your achievements and career aspirations with your superiors. Taking on new responsibilities can highlight your willingness to grow and be seen as a valuable asset by supervisors. Self-advocacy is a powerful tool in your career development arsenal.
Mentorship and professional development can be very helpful. Seek out mentors who can guide you, and don’t underestimate the power of networking. Connecting with other successful people in the field you aspire to lead in can provide not only inspiration but also practical advice and support.
Lastly, let go of perfectionism and prepare to face and overcome challenges and make mistakes.
Overcoming Obstacles and Setbacks
Overcoming obstacles and setbacks is an inevitable part of career management and key to mastering if you want to get promoted. Challenges will arise, but it’s your response to these hurdles that defines your path to success. Developing a growth mindset and resilience is key. View challenges as opportunities to learn and grow, and don’t hesitate to ask for help when needed. People don’t see you as “weak” when you ask for help, they see you as smart for being self-aware of what you need to succeed in your current role.
Maintaining a positive attitude is crucial. Focus on finding solutions rather than dwelling on problems. Learn from your mistakes and use them as stepping stones for improvement. Remember, setbacks are a normal part of career growth, and how you handle them will determine your success.
Don’t be afraid to take calculated risks and step outside your comfort zone. Your stretch zone is often where the most significant growth and learning occur. By overcoming obstacles and setbacks, you develop the skills and confidence needed to succeed in your career and achieve job promotion. Embrace each challenge as an opportunity to prove your capabilities and strengthen your resolve, paving the way for future success.
Leveraging Coaching and Support Networks
Coaching can be transformative in your leadership journey. A good coach can help you refine your leadership style, improve your strategic thinking, prepare for your new role, and increase your organizational impact. Communicating with the HR department is also crucial for career advancement, as they can provide guidance, training, and support in planning for promotions.
Mentors are equally important. These are people who hold the positions you want in the future. You’ll gain great insight into “what keeps them up at night,” and they can help you to think at the next level, even in your current role.
There are numerous resources and programs designed to support people on your career path. Look for leadership development programs and professional associations that address the unique challenges in your field. These can provide not only training but also access to a community of peers and role models.
While getting a promotion from manager to senior manager to director requires different strategies than getting promoted to CXO or CEO, there are some general dynamics that apply in all cases.
Tips for moving up at every level
It’s possible to do all the things already mentioned in this post and still not succeed at your goal to move up. This is because each level of leadership requires a unique mindset shift, and these become specific challenges depending on what level you’re aspiring to. When you learn to do this for the level you’re going to next, you’re demonstrating you’re ready for the transition. Each level requires different things to show you’re ready to operate there.
Moving from individual contributor to manager
While individual contributors are expected to use their expertise to produce output, managers are expected to develop and lead people who can do that. Managers need to be able to interpret larger goals and objectives into team- and individual-specific goals. To get promoted, they need to represent their team’s needs and contributions to senior management and other stakeholders inside and outside the organization. When an individual contributor conducts and presents their work with a clear understanding of these kinds of perspectives, hiring managers at the next level will take note that they have a manager’s point of view and can probably succeed in a management role. Expertise is important, but learning to empower people and hold them accountable is a greater indicator of success.
Moving from manager to director (middle management)
While managers succeed if their team produces results that matter with highly functioning individuals, middle managers have to do this on a larger scale and by developing leaders. They need to translate higher-level, more strategic goals and objectives into targets multiple teams and matrix teams can hit. They have to think and act at a departmental level, building stakeholder relationships across groups and more senior decision-makers. While a manager needs to demonstrate these abilities in a contained team, those ready for middle management must demonstrate they can handle the complexity of greater scale, more responsibility, and more authority. This is a very hard job, and it requires enough expertise to credibly lead teams of experts; prioritization, administrative, and people skills become a successful middle manager’s greatest strength.
Moving from middle management to executive leadership (VPs, CXOs)
Middle managers become very good at the operations of their functional areas of expertise, while executives focus more on cross-functional strategy. For example, Finance managers know the most about the accounting of the company, while Sales managers know what sells and why. Executive leaders know these things because their managers tell them, and they validate that what they’re hearing is true. But executives don’t know these things because they’re doing very much of the work. They don’t have time to do the work because their scope of authority is so broad, and a great deal of their time and energy is spent with their executive peers working to deliver company strategic objectives that cut across functional lines. While a Chief of Operations will spend a lot of time making decisions about operations, they will bring a perspective to these decisions honed in executive meetings where they are negotiating with the Chief Program Officer and the Chief Financial Officer about how the Operations groups can operate more efficiently to help cut expenses without cutting headcount (an example of a company strategic objective). For a middle manager to be considered seriously for executive leadership, they must develop a perspective that demonstrates they understand how their teams interface most effectively with peer organizations and show they can lead across functions to execute on strategies larger than their own functional area.
Moving from executive leadership to the top (General Manager, President, CEO)
While executives are setting and delivering against company-wide strategic goals and objectives, the folks at the very top are providing them organization-wide leadership and prioritization while also managing the needs and interests of major external stakeholders and investors, including the board. Regardless of the organization’s structure and definition (e.g., commercial, non-profit, government), every organization has external stakeholders with an outsized impact on the organization’s continued success and viability. These audiences must not only understand the organization’s strategy, they must believe in it so they can justify continuing their support. This means that the people at the top spend a huge amount of their time selling the organization–its successes and challenges–to these stakeholders. People ready for a top job must not only demonstrate that they understand what motivates outside stakeholders and investors, they must demonstrate they have and can build strong relationships with these people and institutions before a recruiting panel will make a bet on them to run the show.
Practical steps to getting promoted
Navigating a promotion from each level to the next is its own challenge, and each organizational culture will require slightly different approaches. But there are a few soft skills you can develop early in your career that will hold you in good stead at each step.
- Get in your boss’s head: Ask questions and listen to your boss talk about what their boss(es) expects of them. Sit in on as many higher-level meetings as you can and pay attention to how people at the next two levels present themselves and what issues they grapple with. Learn what keeps them up at night and what success looks like from their point of view. Present your work and yourself to answer questions your boss hasn’t asked yet, but will if you don’t get ahead of yourself and think at the next level. Don’t present the facts, present the situation as you think your boss will see it, and tell your boss how you’re planning to handle it in a way you believe your boss will approve of. The more you show up in ways your boss can simply nod and offer tweaks, the more you’re demonstrating to them you’re already working at the next level, you just need the title and authority to produce more results that matter.
- Learn to influence people above you: Everyone has buttons that will make them act. Learn what they are, why they work, and how to present your work and yourself in ways that punch the right buttons to gain their support.
- Produce results that matter: Become an expert at cutting off activity and projects that don’t matter so you and your teams can focus on what does matter. Learn to pivot quickly when certain strategies demonstrate ineffectiveness. Use your influence skills to gain support for utilizing your resources against the highest priority work. Learn to work smarter, not harder so as not to burn yourself and others out in the effort to make a difference with your results.
There are a lot of subtleties in doing all this well, but if you focus on building these skills into your personal competencies, you’ll figure them out and get ahead.
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by Guest Author | Nov 18, 2024 | Change Management, Corporate Culture, Emotional Intelligence at Work, InPower Women Blog, Women in Leadership
Key Takeaways:
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Cultural shift requires both top-down and bottom-up momentum: True change happens when organizations address bias at the systemic level and when ambitious women step up as visible examples of leadership. One mid-level manager can’t do it alone, but many women working in tandem—supported from above—can drive the shift.
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Appoint yourself CEO of your career: Don’t wait for permission. Know your values, strengths, and brand. Build a personal board of advisors and treat your career like a business you’re in charge of growing—because you are.
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Speak up early and often: Influence isn’t just about competence—it’s about visibility. Make it a habit to prepare and contribute early in meetings. The more you speak, the more confident you’ll become, and the more you’ll be perceived as a leader.
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Own your accomplishments—loudly and strategically: Self-promotion isn’t arrogance, it’s advocacy. Ditch the guilt, change the narrative, and get comfortable using your wins as leverage. Visibility leads to opportunity.
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Act despite the fear: Fear and discomfort are part of the growth process. Don’t wait for them to disappear—move anyway. Each small success builds the courage and intuition to take bigger, bolder steps next time.
By: Natalie Runyon
I attended a dinner with senior executive women leaders in financial institutions a few weeks ago at which a question was asked about the quickest way to increase the number of women in the C-suite. Very quickly, the consensus was to change the cultural shift of organizations because of the subtle biases that are held by the dominant group (in this case, men) and how they work against women. To combat this, the group discussed a multi-pronged strategy:
- Training for the dominant group to educate them on the awareness of the biases and how these perceptions make their way into the day-to-day management decisions they make
- Instituting diversity elements into the performance review process
- Making internal and external recruiters’ compensation aligned with the organization’s diversity strategy
- Programs targeting high potential women to increase their visibility, credibility, and opportunities for advancement.
While I wholeheartedly agree with the need of this top-down approach, I believe that women can enhance their skill set by tweaking their mindset and behaviors with the intention of making it to the top. Indeed, more women at the top acting as instigators of change will enable the cultural shift. One mid-level woman in a large organization cannot really move the needle materially on the cultural shift. But, ambitious women leaders like you who want to be the CEO to reach the C-suite can lead by example working with women to tweak their behavior to build confidence, take bigger and bigger calculated risks, and increase their influence. Here are three must-do behaviors:
Appoint Yourself CEO—don’t wait for someone else to do it
The CEO of any company ensures the organization assesses its values, knows its strengths and differentiators from its competition, completes a mission statement, communicates a brand, and maintains a diverse board of directors. You need to create the same for your career. You need to know what your values and strengths are to analyze what jobs or roles is the best fit for you. You need to craft a mission statement to align your values and strengths with what you want you want to be known for. You need a brand to define how you want to be perceived in the marketplace and what separates you from your competition. You need a well-rounded board of advisors to guide you and advocate for you as you make career decisions. Using this process, I was promoted 2 levels higher in less than a year.
Speak up
Research shows that a group will view an individual as having more influence if she speaks first or second during a meeting. If you know that you are going to be attending a team or business unit meeting, prepare to ask a question or make a comment before you walk in. You have certainly been in a meeting where the leader will open the meeting up for questions and then, there will be silence. It is hard work for a meeting leader to get the Q&A going, and you could enhance the leader’s perception of you by being the first or second person to ask a thoughtful question. The more you practice this behavior, the more confident you will be in speaking up in meetings with influential people in attendance.
Discuss your accomplishments
It is no secret that self promotion is a requirement for a successful career advancement strategy. Women striving to get to the top need to master this skill. Women also need to change their negative psychology around self promotion to eliminate the natural tendency of being concerned with how you will be perceived. I had a career situation where I was being under compensated for almost a year for a job, and I was scared to be perceived to be too greedy and to use my performance as the justification for my compensation increase request. It took my mentor suggestion that by not asking, I may be perceived as being weak in order for me to make the decision to ask.
Having fear and anxiety in changing mindset and behaviors is normal and expected. Both will be there. However, you have the choice in whether or not you act in spite of the fear. THIS IS THE KEY. Don’t let the fear stop you. Accept you will have it and you will be uncomfortable doing a behavior that you are not used to. A small success leads to bigger success. A positive outcome as the result of taking a small risk builds confidence and your intuition for taking bigger risks the next time around. More women demonstrating these behaviors will increase the numbers of women at the top. More women at the top results in more change agents for the cultural shift. It is multiplier effect—a top-down and bottom-up strategy.
Natalie Runyon is a leadership strategist for aspiring female executives who want to change the world.
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Guide to Women in Leadership
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
by Guest Author | Nov 16, 2024 | Coaching Advice, Commentary
Key Takeaways:
- Effective leadership begins with self-regulation: Catch yourself in the act before your inner jerk takes the wheel. Effective leadership isn’t about always being right—it’s about leading with emotional intelligence, humility, and grace under pressure.
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Avoid the Jerk Trap: When you’re stressed, it’s easy to rationalize jerky behavior, but it’s crucial to remember that acting entitled or dismissive only breeds more conflict. Practice self-awareness and stop before you snap.
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Leaders Must Acknowledge Their Behavior: Leaders who justify their “jerky” actions as necessary for results miss the point. Good leadership requires recognizing when you’re being a jerk and taking steps to correct it.
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Respect Every Person: Never belittle others, regardless of their role. How you treat those in positions below you speaks volumes. Treat everyone with respect, and you’ll see long-term rewards in your relationships and results.
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Genuine Gratitude Goes Further Than Perks: It’s not the bonuses or perks that matter most—it’s showing employees that you value them as humans. Acknowledging their contributions and showing genuine care goes a long way toward fostering trust and loyalty.
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Human Connection Is Powerful: When you’re frustrated, take a moment to really see the person you’re upset with. They’re likely facing their own struggles. Connecting with them on a human level can transform your perspective and defuse tension.
The #1 Rule
Beyond the Golden and Platinum Rules, in our crazy busy world the one rule everyone should follow daily above all is, “Don’t be a jerk.”
When I am frustrated, under pressure or running late, I masterfully rationalize my “jerky” behavior. I act as if my needs are more important than anyone else and I am the only one who is aware of what is going on around me.
I forget that on other occasions, I too act without being aware of my surroundings, rudely cutting in front of people and forgetting to do something I promised. Yet I don’t forgive others for their lapses.
And then there are those times when I think I am right and someone else is a jerk, which then sparks my inner jerk. Most conflicts can be tracked back to the perception that one person acted entitled so the other had to teach them a lesson or settle the score.
I am not going to ask you if you relate to what I’m saying. If you say you don’t, then you are either not human or you are delusional. Often, your inner jerk is triggered in your brain as a means of defense. Or you are so stressed out that you have used up your reserve of adrenalin and are running on cortisol, making your anger “trigger happy.” There are stressed out, crabby people running around everywhere we turn.
Unfortunately, I have met many leaders who would not acknowledge their jerky behavior, claiming their actions were necessary to get results.
The truth is, if you want happy and engaged employees and good relationships outside of work, you need to catch when you are being a jerk. Once you catch yourself, here are some practices to follow if you would like to live up to the #1 Rule:
Don’t yell, snap, bark, or back someone down with your eyes. If you start this, stop. Take a breath and shift your emotions before you open your mouth again. If you can’t find some patience, compassion or a human fallibility to laugh at, go outside for a breath of fresh air or call a friend to vent.
Don’t belittle “the help.” Don’t act as if you are somebody and the clerks, assistants, employees, and other people who walk into your path are nobody special. You won’t get what you need in the long run.
Don’t act as if you are doing anyone a favor. I remember a former boss wondering why the employees weren’t happy after receiving a bonus. The culture was toxic. Money can’t fix that. The true gift you give to others is acknowledging how valuable they are and showing gratitude for the specific things they do, no matter who you are on the food chain. Innovation consultant Deb Mills-Scofield says many leaders treat their employees as employees — nicely and kindly, even generously — but not as humans. “My manager-mentors made it clear that I mattered not just for what I could do,” Mills-Scofield said, “but also for who I was.” It wasn’t about the generous benefits but that her boss insisted she take time off to relax, genuinely showing he cared. He trusted her too. Show that you know we are all on this life boat together.
Look them in the eyes and see the human inside. Remember, the person you are angry at is doing the best he or she can to survive too. You don’t have any idea what their struggles are. Stop and REALLY look at the person you are mad at. A true human connection is both humbling and uplifting.
Smile at the next jerk you see. Demonstrate that you have big light inside you. You just might be adding to world peace as well as your own.
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by Guest Author | Nov 14, 2024 | Coaching Advice, Corporate Culture, Emotional Intelligence at Work, Leadership, Personal Mastery
Key Takeaways:
- Leaders Must Lead by Example: As a leader, your ability to say “No” with confidence sets the tone for your team. When you model clear boundaries and focus, your team will learn to do the same, creating a culture of purpose-driven decision-making.
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Saying “No” Is Essential for Clarity and Focus: Saying “No” isn’t about being negative—it’s about creating space for meaningful “Yes’s.” When you say “No” thoughtfully, it reinforces your integrity and helps others understand when you’re truly committed to something.
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“No’s” Help Manage Energy, Not Just Time: Focusing energy on the right projects is more important than managing time. As a leader, your job is to protect your team’s energy by ensuring they’re not bogged down with tasks that detract from the bigger goal.
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The Art of Saying “No” Helps Build a Focused Culture: Saying “No” is not just about rejecting ideas; it’s about empowering others to recognize when to say “No” too. This cultivates a culture of focus and helps team members grow as decisive, productive contributors.
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Get Rid of the Emotional Baggage: Before delivering a “No,” clear any negative feelings you might have toward the idea or person. By detaching emotionally, you can deliver the message in a way that is constructive, empowering, and leaves the door open for future growth.
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Give a New Challenge After Saying “No”: When you reject an idea or project, immediately offer a new challenge or opportunity. This shifts the focus away from the rejection and helps the team member stay engaged and motivated toward future success.
Saying “No” is hard because we don’t just say the word, we burden it with other – unsaid – emotional baggage on both the sayer’s and receiver’s part. When most people say and hear “No”, they tend to pack all kinds of other things into those two little letters that go something like this: Your idea sucks/My idea sucks. You’re wasting my time/I’m a terrible employee. Have you done anything useful lately?/I’m a waste-cadet.
But it doesn’t have to be that way and powerful leaders and managers know how to use the Art of No in ways that leave the listener feeling useful, appreciated and inspired. Note, I didn’t say “good”. It’s not a leader’s job to make everyone feel good, it’s to move the organization forward, get the job done and help grow employees as productive and inspired contributors to the teams’ success. And to do this, they learn to say “No” gracefully, and say it often.
3 reasons for leaders to practice the Art of No
1. If you don’t say “No”, you don’t leave room for the “Yes’s” that matter
If you run around saying “Yes” to things you mean “No” to, or worse, pepper people with “maybes” (which tends to lead to paralysis after a bit), then your “Yes’s” come to mean very little. Conversely, if you say “No” when you really mean it, people will begin to believe that your “Yes” means Woo-hoo! Now we’re gonna get things done! Saying “No” is a fabulous way to stay in integrity so people come to believe that your word is going to happen. This means saying “No” more often than many of us are comfortable with. Think of it like a poker game and don’t spend your chips on a bad hand.
2. “No’s” help you manage energy
It’s all about focus. No organization or person has the energy, time or resources for everything that has to get done. As the leader, it’s your responsibility to maintain focus and you must always be looking for ways to get rid of things that detract from it – for yourself, your staff and for team members individually (by which I don’t mean micromanagement, I mean in helping them set their personal objectives and stay focused on them). Energy is more important than time and if you don’t manage it well, you and your team won’t accomplish the goal and nobody wins.
3. Artful “No’s” help employees become better stewards of the goals and build a more focused culture
If you just say “No” and walk away, you’re leaving all that unsaid baggage dumped in their lap. Don’t do that. Remember how that feels and remember the Golden Rule. Take the time to explain your decision and empower them to say No earlier on the next time – and be rewarded – when they see something beginning to happen (or a bright, shiny, distracting idea pop up) that’s detracting from the focus. Grow more “No”-sayers and you’re giving them an important career skill (as long as they’re also learning when and how to say “Yes”.)
3 ways leaders can practice the Art of No
I recently ran across a blog, How to Say ‘No’ While Inspiring People. I clicked on it eagerly looking for new tips in the quest to refine the Art of No. But I was disappointed because none of Steve’s recommendations included the word “No.” I appreciate what Steve is trying to do, which is to find ways of limiting resource investment in ideas that aren’t going anywhere without demoralizing the people that have worked on them, and better yet, help inspire them. But in my experience people prefer the truth above all and if the idea is dead, just kill it. They’ll thank you later if you did it gracefully and helped them spend their energy on higher priority projects.
Practicing the Art of No.
1. Get rid of the unsaid baggage
You’re the leader so you go first. Before you talk to the person, get rid of that negative emotional baggage you might be feeling. Even if you don’t think the person is a waste, we’re all programmed to feel it when we stomp on someone’s idea. (I don’t know why, ask a psychologist.) Take the time and have the strength to ask yourself questions like this to discharge the unconscious negative feelings and replace them with positive ones before you talk to them:
- Is this person a waste? If the answer is no, replace the feeling with This person has shown great dedication, etc. (If they’re a waste, fire them.)
- Do I bear some of the responsibility for letting this go on so long unchecked? If yes, be prepared to admit this to the person.
- What have we learned through this effort we can apply in the future? Plan to explore this with them at length. They will feel heard and there are often the seeds of success in the remnants of failure.
- Are you detached from it yet? If you’re still feeling sad over shutting it down, deal with this first. See below for some help on this.
When you talk to them, don’t let them put baggage in the conversation like, “I’m a waste cadet.” You’ve defused your baggage; help them defuse theirs. Tell the truth as you see it, “You’re not a waste cadet, you’re new to this kind of project and are still learning,” and encourage them to see the truth in the situation as well.
2. Give them a new challenge immediately
Help them see how disengaging them from the “No” thing frees them to focus on something even more important to the team’s work. Spend 1/3 of your time with them saying “No” and 2/3 saying “Yes” and focusing on the future. Share your enthusiasm and show them that they matter and are not a waste-cadet.
3. Help them detach by detaching yourself
Especially if they’ve put a lot of themselves into it, take some of your 2/3 “Yes” energy and demonstrate how you’re detaching from it yourself. Show that you’ve released your disappointment and are committed to success, even if what that success looks like has changed. Most importantly, find your positive belief that this “No” will help everyone get closer to the goal and share this with them genuinely. If you don’t believe it, neither will they.
Of course Yes, No and Maybe aren’t always the only answer. There’s also a “Yes, but….” to steer something away from becoming a “No” while the project still holds value. That’s where Steve Denning’s ideas are very helpful and leadership judgment comes in. In addition to this we-can-still-save-it scenario, there is power in creating “creative-but-possibly-unproductive time on purpose” where everyone goes in knowing a “No” is reasonably likely in the end – as Google and other institutional innovators find in the power of time off . But those “time off” projects are designed to develop creativity in people; they are seen as an investment in the people, not the project. Saying “No” to commercializing their end product is different than shutting down something everyone was committed to seeing through to a “Yes.”
In the end, the leader still has to know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em. When the hand sucks, fold it and hang on to your chips. Come to think of it, good poker players have definitely perfected the Art of No.
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