by Dana Theus | Nov 12, 2024 | Coaching Advice, Corporate Culture, Emotional Intelligence at Work, Leadership, People Skills
Key Takeaways:
- Learn from the Bad to Lead Better: Some of the most powerful leadership lessons come from watching what not to do. Pay attention to how poor leadership feels—then commit to doing the opposite with intention and integrity.
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Respect Your People: Employees are not bound by loyalty; they are free agents. Treat them with the same respect you’d offer a consultant who can leave at any time.
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Think Ahead: Avoid last-minute decisions that disrupt your team’s workflow. Plan ahead to respect their time and energy, ensuring smoother operations.
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Check Your Ego: Insecurities can cloud judgment. Address them to prevent projecting them onto your team, fostering a more trusting and effective leadership environment.
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Be the Best Jerk You Can Be: Leadership sometimes requires tough decisions. Strive to be a competent leader without compromising your humanity.
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Speak Your Truth to Power: Encourage open dialogue and constructive dissent. Healthy tension leads to better decisions and a more dynamic workplace.
I recently read a fabulous post by Steve Tobak on BNET with tons of great management advice and leadership lessons based on his personal experience. It reminded me that after scolding Steve Jobs and other jerk bosses, I actually owe my two worst bosses some props in public. I doubt they’ll read this but you never know so I’m not naming names. You see, my two worst bosses were also my two best bosses for teaching you lessons in leadership. Here’s why.
Both of them were smart as heck and personally driven, and they drove me earlier in my career. Being a Type A (then, not now), I rose to the challenge and learned a ton. I learned how to do things to make them happy – which led me to contribute greatly to the business. They saw potential in me and went out of their way to help me learn more. My experiences working for them were crucial in shaping my professional resume and ethic. I owe them both great debts of gratitude for that. I would not be who I am as a leader, or have the opportunity in my career that I do, without both of them.
What not to do
But both of them were insecure human beings on a power trip, and they took much of that out on me (and others, it’s not like I was singled out). Granted, I was young and stupid in some ways and allowed this. One was emotionally abusive, passive aggressive and sometimes I thought a bit bipolar. The other was just egocentric. Working for them was very difficult.
Their greatest gift
But in retrospect, I wouldn’t have it any other way. Not only did I learn a ton, but I began to claim my personal power by deciding I was done with being treated that way. I’ve left lots of jobs in my time, but in these two cases, I was doing it as an act of power – not out of spite but out of respect for myself. Of all the “I quits” I’ve ever delivered, those two meant the most to me. In the years since, I’ve simply been growing into who I started to become on those two days.
Their other gifts – 5 lessons I’ve internalized
The whole time I worked for them, I watched carefully, trying to understand what made them powerful to me – which was often not at all what they thought made them powerful. I’ve also watched my good bosses (and clients in both categories since becoming a consultant) and watched how my own boss behavior affected my employees. Here’s what I’ve personally internalized from their good, their bad and their downright stupid lessons of leadership, and which I am sure to pass on to my executive coaching clients. For anyone new in management, I recommend internalizing this early. You’ll get more out of your people by doing so.
- Respect your people. “At will” employment is not just a contract term. Your employees are free agents. Treat them with the same respect you would a consultant who has the right to leave on a moment’s notice. I don’t care how bad the job market is, your employees can leave too – and will.
- Think ahead. Don’t get lazy about making decisions at the last minute just because you can. If you’re going to make a decision that affects people’s time and work, do your best to make the decision in time for them to adjust smoothly without tons of rework and overtime. Of course you don’t control everything, but if you make an effort to respect their time and energy (see #1), they’ll appreciate it and you’ll actually make better decisions about resource utilization. This is also known as the don’t-burn-out-your-best-because-you’re-lazy-or-on-a-power-trip rule
- Get your ego out of your way. Be honest with yourself about your insecurities and deal with them. Otherwise you’re just taking them out on everyone else – your family, your employees and your friends – and pissing everyone off. We all have things we could be better at. The more insecure you are, the more your power and authority is making you insufferable. The day of the authoritarian king is over; the better your character the greater chances of your success. Also, with your own ego out of the way people will trust you more and tell you what’s really going on instead of telling what they think you want to hear.
- Be the best jerk you can be. The business requires that you be a jerk sometimes, so do your best to be a good human being when that happens. There is a natural tension between being a good business boss and an empathetic soul – so just accept that this tension is part of the job. Don’t try to be a good human at the expense of the business, but don’t let the business become your excuse for being a colossal a$$+@|& either.
- Speak your truth to power and let them speak theirs. It’s not about who agrees with you or how often you are right, it’s about how disagreement and agreement are reached. The business benefits from the tension of good ideas so learn to invite their ideas and mix it up in ways that not only deliver the best business solution but honor and respect both you and your employees. The better YOU are at speaking your truth to power, the more easily you will be able to hear it when others speak it to you. Be strong, learn to speak and listen.
I have no idea what my two best/worst bosses are like as managers these days. Maybe they’ve learned some of these leadership lessons themselves by now (we were all young). In any case, I’m grateful they helped me learn them and I think I’m a better boss now when I have to be because of them. Thanks, guys.
What is your “worst boss” story? What did that teach you? How have your worst bosses been your best? Best been worst? What’s your advice to the jerk-bosses out there? Have you ever had to be a jerk and wished you could have found a better way? Any tips for being the best jerk you can be?
Check out the resources in the InPower Coaching EQ at Work and Soft Skills Research Index.
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by Dana Theus | Nov 10, 2024 | Coaching Advice, Dear Dana (Workplace Advice), People Skills
Key Takeaways:
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Different Boss, Different Lens: Soft skills like listening are tough to measure, and what one boss sees as strength, another might view as a growth area. That doesn’t mean anyone was lying—it just means expectations and perceptions vary.
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Promotions Raise the Bar: With more responsibility comes higher expectations, especially around soft skills. Just because your listening hasn’t gotten worse doesn’t mean the bar hasn’t been raised—welcome to leadership!
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Listening Is Not One Skill, It’s Three: Real listening involves focusing on what’s said, understanding what’s meant, and making others feel heard. If any part of that chain is weak, people might not experience you as a good listener—even if you think you are.
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Being Told You Need to Improve Is a Gift (Sort Of): It might feel like criticism, but getting feedback is a chance to level up. Use it to hone a leadership skill that can pay off in every area of your life.
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You Can—and Should—Ask for Clarity: Don’t be afraid to take this three-part framework to your boss and ask for more specific feedback. It shows you care, you’re engaged, and you’re ready to grow.
Dear Dana, I always get good annual reviews, until this year. This year my new boss told me I’m not a good listener. Before, my old bosses told me exactly the opposite. I got a promotion last year so this is the first time my new boss gave me a review. I’m confused. Is my new boss the problem? Was my old boss lying? – Confused in DC
Dear Confused,
I’m glad you’re focusing on your listening skills. Being a good listener is one of those capabilities that really pays off in your career and personal life. The fact that both your bosses are helping you focus on it is a good thing. That said, I totally get why you feel confused.
Of course there’s a lot I don’t know about your situation, so this advice will be a little generic, but it’s still good advice.
The first thing to remember is that listening is a “soft skill,” which means it’s very hard to measure objectively. It’s very possible your two bosses evaluate this skill differently, and that’s ok. It’s also very human of bosses to project their own weaknesses on their staff. Of course if they’re doing this to you, it’s not fair, but it does happen. Your best strategy in either case is to become a better listener than you were before, showing improvement and polishing up an important leadership skill.
You mention that you got a promotion in between these two feedback sessions. This tells me that it’s very likely that they’ve raised the bar for you on a number of your soft skills. If being successful in your new job requires better listening skills than your last job did, then even if your skills are still the same, they’re expecting more of you. This is a really common challenge we all have as we are given more responsibility. With more responsibility comes higher expectations. Many people are promoted for their technical skills and then find themselves struggling with the soft skills that more management responsibility brings. (This leadership challenge is often called the “Peter Principle,” see below.)
There are usually two reasons that they expect more of you at higher levels: (1) the competition with others for fewer senior slots gets more intense and (2) the problems get tougher—especially the kind of people problems that good listening can help fix!
One other thing that could be going on for you is that “listening” is a multi-part skill. Here are the three sub-skills involved in becoming a good listener:
- Listening: Making sure you’re focused on what the other person is saying. That can take practice in our multi-tasking world.
- Hearing: Just because you’re hearing the words they say, doesn’t mean you’re really understanding what they mean. Many people don’t put what they really mean into words. Sometimes they don’t have the communications skills, sometimes they don’t even know what they mean and other times they don’t feel comfortable saying what they’re thinking and feeling. This means you need to learn to read between the lines to “hear” what they don’t say. This isn’t mind reading, it’s the ability to empathize, take their perspective and ask really good questions.
- Making others feel heard: So if you’ve mastered the two steps above you’re probably getting the information you need, but you may or may not be making the other person feel heard, and people need to feel heard to believe you’re a good listener. When you’re trying to engage anyone (subordinates, peers and bosses), you need to be sure they feel heard. Making others feel heard happens when you communicate in ways that demonstrate you heard what they meant (step two), not just what they said. If you’re still struggling with step 2, it’s almost a guarantee that you’re struggling with step 3.
This is a high level breakdown of what being a good listener is all about. Maybe your new boss isn’t feeling heard? Maybe one of your subordinates isn’t feeling heard and is complaining to your boss? It’s hard to tell sometimes but maybe you can talk to your new boss about the three steps above and see if they have more specific advice for you.
Listen well!
Dana Theus
Executive Coach
Free Advice for Mentoring Women
Tropes and truths to help mentors and proteges navigate workplace biases and outdated advice.
by Dana Theus | Nov 8, 2024 | Coaching Advice, People Skills
Key Takeaways:
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Agendas Alone Won’t Save You: Just because you typed up a tidy list of bullet points doesn’t mean your meeting is going to be effective—or even relevant. Business moves fast, and often what really needs discussing isn’t even on that list.
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Meetings Shouldn’t Be a Game of Chance: If you’re just hoping to get through everything on the agenda, you’re already losing. Meetings shouldn’t feel like rolling the dice on productivity.
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Ditch the Checkbox Mentality: Following an agenda to the letter assumes you knew everything worth discussing before the meeting started. Spoiler alert: you probably didn’t.
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Lead With Intention, Not Just Information: Before you even gather people together, ask yourself: what’s the one outcome we need from this meeting to move things forward? Name it. Share it. Let that be your North Star.
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Intention-Setting is Modern Leadership 101: Whether it’s a meeting, a project, or your entire organization, setting clear intentions is your secret weapon. It’s not about rigid control—it’s about guiding energy and attention to where it actually matters.
The bigger the organization you work in, the greater the likelihood that you’ll meet your demise in death-by-meeting. What a horrible way to go! And the worst part? All that pain and suffering – and it’s usually a crap shoot as to whether you’ll get through all the items on the agenda.
No. Actually, the worst part is when you end up running those meetings yourself!
Toss the Agenda
Agendas are often useful for thinking through what you want to cover – and many people are wise enough to push back and refuse to attend meetings that don’t have agendas. But – having an agenda does not mean having a meeting that is worth everyone’s time to attend.
Why? Because sticking to the agenda presumes that the people – you? – who made it up know everything that really needs to be discussed at that time by those people regarding this situation. I’m sure you gave it a good effort and employed all that left-brain, methodical logic to ticking off the open items and decision points, but too often that just isn’t enough.
In fact, the speed of business moves quickly and the real things hanging people up the moment they walk into the meeting room are most likely not on the agenda at all, or are buried under a bunch of non-essential stuff.
Engage the Right Brain
How to avoid death-by-meeting when you’re in charge? Agenda or not, take the time to think through your intended outcome for the meeting. When it’s all over, what is the one thing that must happen as an outcome of this meeting that will move the business forward? Name it and announce it as the focus of the meeting.
By simplifying the desired outcome of the meeting, you’re setting your intention and sharing it. You’re offering everyone in the room an opportunity to share that intention and help you meet it. This way, everyone knows what success looks like and can adapt as the conversation twists and turns around realities the agenda may or may not have anticipated in pursuit of that one, shared and intended outcome. I guarantee that the likelihood your meetings will be successful will go up exponentially.
Intentions Are Powerful Tools In Helping You Get Anything Done
Intention-setting, to run meetings, your day, projects and entire organizations, is an art more than a science and it’s a necessary skill of modern leadership. Start small with meetings, but don’t stop there. Use the art of intention-setting to help you align the whole-brain powers of your entire organization to achieve more with less stress and strain. It takes some practice, but luckily there’s a manual to guide you along the way.
What is your experience with intention-setting to run meetings, your day, and/or your organization?
InPower Women’s Mastermind
We don’t Mastermind your business. We Mastermind YOU!
by Guest Author | Nov 6, 2024 | Coaching Advice, Emotional Intelligence at Work, Personal Mastery
Key Takeaways:
- Redefine the Narrative of Womens Leadership: Women’s leadership is not about mimicking traditional models, but about bringing authenticity, collaboration, and emotional intelligence to the forefront—reshaping what effective leadership looks like across industries.
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Embrace Lifelong Learning: Continual education and skill development are pivotal. Women should actively seek opportunities to expand their knowledge and expertise, ensuring they remain adaptable and competitive in their fields.
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Cultivate Self-Awareness and Openness to Feedback: Regular self-reflection and receptiveness to constructive criticism enable women to identify areas for growth and enhance their leadership effectiveness.
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Develop Effective Communication Skills: Clear and assertive communication fosters stronger relationships and ensures that women’s contributions are recognized and valued in the workplace.
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Build Strong Professional Relationships: Networking and mentoring are essential for career advancement. Establishing a supportive professional network can provide guidance, opportunities, and advocacy.
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Take Calculated Risks: Stepping out of comfort zones and embracing challenges can lead to significant career growth. Women should be encouraged to seize opportunities that align with their goals, even if they involve uncertainties.
As a human resources corporate executive, consultant and coach for many years I have had a front row seat to the challenges that women (including myself) faced in the development and growth of their careers and leadership. Most of us have firsthand experience of the ingrained persistent organizational, societal and cognitive biases, referred to collectively as the “glass ceiling”, that have and still hold women back from achieving their maximum career and leadership potential. These are critical issues that require organizations’ attention and though some progress has been made, organizations need to continue breaking down the ingrained biases that exist. However, it is evident that there is also a need for tools that women can utilize to empower themselves and take the initiative to better prepare themselves to meet these challenges. This is where my thoughts were in 2008 and where I began five years of exploration and research, which lead to the creation of the only assessment tool designed exclusively to help women advance in their careers – the WISE (Women’s Inventory for Success Empowerment) Profile.
Developed from extensive research with female CEO’s and senior leaders this powerful evidenced-based behavior tool is the first of its kind assessment to be based on female career success factors and a female leadership model. The critical success factors that came from the extensive research conducted with highly successful women are measured to reflect how successful women practice and execute them.
- Lifelong learning
- Self-awareness/openness to feedback
- Effective communications skills
- Building strong relationships
- Being a risk taker
The WISE Profile’s framework and model are designed to open the dialogue for women on these five critical factors and act as a roadmap for growing and developing their career and leadership abilities. In just the three short years it has been available we have found the tool is benefiting women across the country in many ways. Some of which are:
- It builds engagement through the debriefing process.
- It creates awareness and insight for development (especially in the 360 format)
- It facilitates a very positive and affirming learning process.
- It is a framework that builds resilience and confidence to move forward.
- Its framework and model are easy to understand, memorable and actionable.
- It builds engagement through the coach-debrief process.
- It is a guide in learning how to make workplace contributions that create significant difference for the individual woman and her organization.
The WISE Profile gives women insights that help them navigate the challenges in their career so they can achieve their maximum career and leadership potential. No matter what stage a woman is at in her career, this assessment will give her valuable awareness into her competency level on these critical factors. The information obtained from the WISE Profile is highly valuable to help women understand their natural strengths and unique gifts, identify what is holding them back, potential areas of growth, and understand what they can do to move forward in a powerful and confident way in their careers and leadership roles..
The six part webinar series is recognized by SHRM to offer Professional Development Credits (PDCs) for the SHRM-CPSM or SHRM-SCPSM. This program is valid for 6 PDCs for the SHRM-CPSM or SHRM-SCPSM (1 per recorded or live session).
Check out the resources in the InPower Coaching EQ at Work and Soft Skills Research Index.
FREE PDF
Guide to Women in Leadership
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
by Guest Author | Nov 4, 2024 | Career Development
Key Takeaways:
- Integrating work & life is the real balancing act. Forget the old tug-of-war between the office and everything else—true well-being comes when we design lives (and workplaces) where our personal values and professional goals can actually coexist without a constant cage match.
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If you’re running on fumes, you’re not alone. Only 11% of people surveyed reported having high energy the day before—proof that burnout isn’t just in your head, it’s everywhere, and it’s waving red flags at how we work.
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Purpose fuels energy. When people see the impact of their work—like those call center employees who met the scholarship recipient their calls helped—it ignites motivation. Meaning matters, especially for keeping millennial women (and, let’s be honest, everyone) engaged.
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Working more doesn’t mean doing more. Research shows productivity dips after 6–8 hours, no matter how noble your hustle. Sustainable well-being means working smarter, not longer—your brain will thank you.
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Stress isn’t always the enemy. Your mindset about stress determines how it affects you. If you believe stress can help, you’re more likely to grow from it, bounce back faster, and even build resilience. Think of it as mental judo.
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Self-care is not selfish—it’s strategic. Running on four hours of sleep is the brain equivalent of downing a six-pack. Prioritizing sleep, nutrition, and movement isn’t indulgent—it’s your ticket to showing up strong for others and yourself.
I recently had the pleasure of hearing best selling author and Gallup researcher, Tom Rath, speak at a conference. While researching his latest book, he asked 10,000 people a simple question: Did you have a great deal of energy yesterday? If I asked you that question, how would you respond? Maybe your child was up sick last night, or you had a particularly big project to finish, but look at your energy average over the past month. Energy levels are an important indicator of well-being and engagement, and chronic exhaustion is a driver of burnout. By the way, he found that only 11% of the folks he surveyed reported having “a great deal of energy yesterday.”
The way we work isn’t working when scores of talented people are disengaged and lack energy. Until larger workplace issues are fixed (or at least acknowledged), these statistics continue to push me to advocate for what Rath calls “sustainable well-being.” You can build more sustainable well-being with these strategies:
Have meaningful work
In a recent survey by HR company ICEDR, 94% of millennial women said that one way to recruit and retain them is to provide meaningful work and inspire them with a sense of purpose. In order to facilitate that, companies need to place more emphasis on “end user” connection. In one such study, Dr. Adam Grant and colleagues worked with call center employees at the University of Michigan. Call center employees had the fun task of cold calling alums to ask for money, but one of the groups in his study actually got to meet a scholarship recipient and talk to him first hand. The scholarship recipient talked about how much the scholarship had changed his life, and he thanked the folks in the call center for their hard work. Once the call center workers realized how their work had an impact, they became motivated to work harder; in fact, their weekly revenue increased 400% (Grant et al., 2007)!
That fits your strengths and interests
How often do you get to do what you do best each day? When I was a lawyer, I often left the best of who I was at home and showed up to work acting how I thought a lawyer should act – tough and detached. Two of my strongest strengths are kindness and gratitude, so it’s no wonder that I often felt drained and inauthentic each day. Research shows that when people use their strengths consistently at work, they are happier, feel more confident, experience faster growth and development, and experience less stress.
Work less, accomplish more
I know – you may not think this is even remotely possible where you work, but the research contradicts the managers who think face time and hours logged create sustainable success. Harvard Business School professor Leslie Perlow found that scheduling time off rather than working more hours actually increased organizational and personal productivity (Perlow, 2012). Additional studies show that for industrial workers, productivity dramatically decreases after eight hours a day. For knowledge workers, productivity drops after six hours (Alcorn, 2013). Simply put, more hours don’t automatically lead to more productivity; in fact, it’s usually the opposite.
Develop a “stress helps” mindset
Your stress mindset is your belief about whether stress has enhancing or debilitating consequences. The type of mindset you adopt about stress – either a “stress helps” mindset or a “stress hurts” mindset – highly influences psychological, physiological and behavioral outcomes. While chronic stress is not good for your health, some stress can impact your health in positive ways and aid physical recovery and immunity. Those who adopted a “stress helps” mindset were more likely to seek out feedback and therefore grow as a result of experiencing stress and had more adaptive cortisol profiles under acute stress (Crum, Salovey, & Achor, 2013).
Put your own health first…so you can do more for others. This is not new advice, but I have found that common sense doesn’t always translate into common practice. Too many high-achieving women I work with consistently leave themselves off of their own “to-do” lists. Tom Rath noted that four hours of sleep loss leads to the same level of impairment as a six-pack of beer!
I recently had an exchange with a colleague on Twitter. I mentioned the statistic about impairment after sleep loss, and he responded with pride about how he has conditioned himself to function on four hours of sleep or less each day. We need to change the conversation around self-care being a serious element of resilience and well-being, not the first thing cut in favor of adding more to our already too-busy schedules.
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Succeed on your own terms.
Tap your most Authentic Feminine Leadership Style.
FREE Executive Coach consultation with Dana Theus
by Guest Author | Nov 1, 2024 | Career Development, Coaching Advice
Key Takeaways:
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Fear is normal—don’t pretend it’s not there. Instead of hiding behind rational excuses, call fear what it is. You’re not broken; you’re just human. And fear, like heartburn after pizza, is something we all deal with.
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Make friends with your fear. Invite it in, give it a nickname, and have a curious dinner-table chat. Fear has stories to tell and wisdom to share—especially those childhood moments that still quietly run the show.
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Celebrate your wins—on paper. Journaling your successes reminds you that you’ve stepped outside your comfort zone before and survived (and maybe even crushed it). Scraped knees and all.
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Get cozy with failure too. Writing about your failures helps strip their power and uncover their gifts. Failure isn’t your enemy—it’s a weird, awkward friend that shows you what you’re made of.
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Dip a toe into the learning zone. Don’t leap into panic, just take the next small, curious step beyond your comfort zone. That’s where growth happens, and each step makes the next one a little less scary.
Does this situation sound familiar? You want to really go for that promotion but you don’t think you’re quite ready so you don’t raise your hand. You’ve been thinking about pursuing an entrepreneurial venture but are afraid of losing the steady paycheck so you don’t take the next step toward your dream. Your company offers you a challenging global assignment, but you’re not sure how you’ll navigate that so you say “No”. You want to really go after a big client but are afraid to ask for the business.
Our fears stop us from stepping outside our comfort zone. All growth toward our own highest potential lies outside of our comfort zone. What to do? Face your fears. I got to know fear pretty well as I faced the prospect of giving up a 20-year career and steady paycheck to start my own business at the height of the recession. I can honestly say that a year and half into my business, I still have my fears (including moments of utter panic). Here are some leadership practices I pursue so that I can still have my fears but they no longer have me!
Five leadership practices for fear:
1) Recognize your fears as just that.
Many times we hide our fears and shroud them with rationalizations such as “I’m just not ready for that”, “I would prefer to have greater stability”, “I have other priorities right now”, “I cannot really afford to do this right now”. All of the above may be true. This is an invitation to look underneath all of these rational explanations and just check in with yourself to see if fear is underlying these explanations. If so, just acknowledge it. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Fear is completely normal. Fear is programmed into our brains as a survival mechanism. Congratulations, you’re now a card-carrying member of the human race! Think of it like this: If you are prone to heartburn, does this stop you from eating your favorite piece of pizza? Not. That’s all fear is. Just something we’re all prone to.
2) Befriend your Fears.
Most of us are ashamed of our fears so we tend to avoid thinking about them. Here’s a different idea. Get to know them. Come up with nick-names for them. Our fears have a lot of wisdom to share with us that can help us get self-aware so we can be more empowered in our choices. Bring curiosity to them. Invite them over for dinner. Have them stay for dessert. If you are journaling which I highly recommend for all my executive coaching clients, then write about your fears. Here’s what that dinner dialogue with your Fear might look like:
You: “I’m afraid to ask for that next promotion.”
Fears: “Ok, cool insight! Nice job (insert your name here).”
You: “Why am I afraid Fear?”
Fear: “Well, you don’t want to fail and then everyone will think you’re an idiot.”
You: “Yes, you’re right about that. I definitely don’t want to look like an idiot. Cool insight Fear!”
Fear: “Thanks, can I get another helping of dessert?”
You: “Sure. Help yourself. But as you’re digging into that chocolate cake, I’d like to dig deeper. Why would I think I would fail?”
Fear: “Well remember that time in 4th grade when you were excited and raised your hand in Mrs. Jones class? She asked you to come to the board and solve that math problem and you couldn’t do it. The whole class laughed and you thought you were an idiot to raise your hand.”
You: “Yes, well I had forgotten about that.”
Fear: “Or so you thought.”
Our fears are irrational and sometimes come from beliefs and stories we’ve formed about ourselves and others from our childhood. Our first job is to accept them and get familiar with them. Okay, now we know. We’re afraid of being laughed at and called an idiot. Cool insight!
3) Journal your successes
Once we know and befriend the sources of our fears we can accept them and start the process of reframing them. Here’s what that reframe exercise in your journal might look like. List down all the times when you have pushed yourself outside of your comfort zone and succeeded. Describe that story in detail. What did you do? What caused you to take the risk? What were the outcomes? How did you feel? At this point if I come up short, I always fall back on the time I learned how to ride my bike. That was a success. Sure I got some scraped knees but it was worth it.
4) Journal your failures
This may seem counter-intuitive at this point, but trust me on this one. Our failures make great stories for us to know and understand and get comfortable with failure. Write down about times when you pushed yourself outside of your comfort zone and failed. What happened? What emotions did you feel? What did you learn? What were the gifts of that experience? The point here is to get comfortable with both your successes and your failures and to know that each bring gifts that are unique that make you who you are. Steve Jobs in his Stanford Commencement speech talks about the gifts of failing and being ousted from Apple as its founder at the age of 30. He credits it for one of his most creative time periods when he went on to launch Pixar. Here’s what he said “I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.”
5) Take a First Step into Learning Zone.
Ultimately where the rubber meets the road is for us to take the first step in putting ourselves outside of our comfort zone. Just outside of our comfort zone is a “Learning Zone”. I am not suggesting that you get all the way into “Panic Zone”. Test the waters. Be curious. Investigate the opportunity you would otherwise not even consider. Then take the next small step. Ask others for help. Seek out mentors who will give you a different perspective. Get your friends, followers and fans together to support you. Ultimately it is your choice whether you take the opportunity that is in front of you but make sure you celebrate the act of stepping out of your comfort zone. It will make it easier the next time.
I wish you great luck. You may always have your fears but they don’t always have to have you. It’s regular practice that takes us from fears to fierce. Let me know if these exercises resonated with you and what the outcomes were for you. Sign-up for a 1-on-1 session with me if there is an opportunity you want to seize but your fears are holding you back.
If this resonated with you please comment, subscribe, and share with others.
Additional Resources
What I learned from Failure: Leadership Lessons in How to Fail Well, What if we gave ourselves Permission to Fail?
Leadership practices that help us be resilient from failure: How Self Compassion Can Make You A Better Leader
Mindfulness for greater courage: Breathe. Meditate. Lead – Ten Ways Mindfulness Practice can make us Better Leaders
Originally on: Transformational Leadership
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by Dana Theus | Oct 31, 2024 | Coaching Advice, People Skills
Key Takeaways:
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Leadership is contagious—literally. Thanks to neuroscience, we now have brain-based proof that a leader’s emotional state doesn’t just affect the mood—it infects the entire team, for better or worse.
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Toxic bosses build toxic cultures. If your workplace feels like a war zone of politics, fear, and dysfunction, chances are it’s not just bad luck—it’s the emotional fallout of unchecked leadership vibes running the show.
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Leaders shape culture whether they mean to or not. Culture isn’t crafted by mission statements—it’s set by what leaders tolerate, reward, ignore, or embody. And those emotional cues? They ripple out fast and wide.
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Mastering your internal state is a leadership skill. Great leaders don’t just manage projects—they manage themselves. Learning to regulate your own emotions is essential if you want to inspire instead of infect.
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Authenticity isn’t weakness—it’s power. Your team doesn’t need a robot; they need a real human. Ditch the myth that good leaders never show vulnerability. Owning your emotional impact is part of the job.
Brain science and leadership make an interesting mix. While I think it’s fascinating to know how our brains work, often it tells us stuff we already know intuitively. Neuroscience gives us permission to know it!
Once in a while I run across something I didn’t know I knew, and then I sit up and pay attention. This article by Richard Boyatzis is fascinating because it identifies the science of emotional contagion – the way one person’s emotional orientation can affect a whole group. It also calls out in scientific terms how powerfully a leader affects their team emotionally and the positive impact this can have in helping the staff learn and adapt – or not.
I find this particularly interesting in the context of corporate culture, having observed some pretty toxic bosses “infect” their staffs and encourage cultures where competition, backstabbing, emotional abuse and just plain incompetence were so rampant that you could feel the powerlessness and despair when you walked in the door. It didn’t surprise me a bit to learn that profitability often (but not always) suffered in those places. Recently the concept of corporate bullying is finally coming to light as something of a national problem. While I’m saddened that the corporate world hasn’t taken on the issue of boss-bullying itself – waiting for things to get so bad that states have to start proposing legislation – I’m not terribly surprised. After all, toxic behavior perpetuates because it becomes part of the culture and harder to see once you’re trapped inside.
Leaders Establish Culture
Don’t let any cowardly leader try to worm out of this one. Leaders establish culture. They decide – too often unconsciously – what behavior is tolerated and what is not .Thanks to Boyatzis, now we know why leaders have such a powerful influence on culture-creation – because their emotions are infecting everyone around them. The science is demonstrating what anyone can feel after a few minutes around a toxic leader brewing a poisonous culture.There is hope when leadership is reclaimed, however, and this quote from the Boyatzis article particularly resonated with me:
You are infecting others around you with specific feelings. Some of those feelings help them to perform better and innovate and some are debilitating and inhibit adaptive thinking. Remember, negative feelings, even the unconscious ones, will easily overwhelm positive ones. The leader, because of his/her position of power, has a greater affect on others in a social or work environment. Being able to change your internal state might be one of the most powerful techniques you learn in becoming an effective leader– one who inspires others to learn, adapt and perform at their best.
Use Your Power For Good
The good news is that the ability to emotionally infect your staff and teams can be used for good by leaders who understand their responsibility to foster a positive environment and culture where others are in their power and able to perform at their best. To be a good leader, then, you need to invest in yourself first and master your ability to manage your internal state – making you an InPower leader. This benefits you personally, of course, but it also makes you a better leader and able to manage others – infecting them with positive qualities that help them be more effective.We’re all human and our teams like us that way. That old “I’m a leader I can’t show weakness” bull-hockey is something your staff sees right through, so if you have hesitation about stepping up to master yourself more proactively, swallow your fear and step into the change. The team will thank you for it as you become more authentic.What is your experience? Have you been the “infector” or the “infected” in business cultures? Do you agree that leaders bear extra responsibility to learn to manage their internal state? What do you do to manage your personal power for your staff?
candid insights and soulful partnership
by Guest Author | Oct 29, 2024 | Gender Equality, InPower Women Blog, Women in Leadership
Key Takeaways:
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“Shoot like a girl” means lead with grit, heart, and skill. MJ Hegar’s story redefines what it means to be tough—not by acting like the guys, but by showing up fully as a woman who can fly, fight, and stand her ground under fire, both in combat and in the face of systemic discrimination.
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The military’s barriers weren’t just physical—they were institutional. MJ’s career reveals how deeply ingrained misogyny can hide behind tradition and chain of command, making it harder for women to report abuse or rise without being sabotaged along the way.
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Support can come from surprising places—but silence is betrayal. MJ’s journey shows us the importance of allies, both male and female, and the damage done when those around you choose to stay silent. In her world, loyalty wasn’t optional—it could mean life or death.
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Women in combat don’t just serve—they sacrifice, and they deserve recognition. MJ’s legal battle to open all military roles to women was about fairness, yes, but also about survival, camaraderie, and the dignity of being fully seen for her contributions.
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To succeed in hostile territory—whether in war or work—own your power and find your people. MJ’s resilience wasn’t just built on determination, it was grounded in fierce honesty, deep friendships, and the courage to walk away from what didn’t serve her—even if it wore a uniform.
Mary Jennings Hegar was an all-American girl from Texas. She had an abusive father, a loving mother and step father, and a dream to fly airplanes in war. She did that, and much more. Reading her memoir, Shoot Like A Girl, was a real treat for someone who explores women in leadership and has a son going into the Army. Her candid telling of a life still living highlights how her indomitable will and positive outlook helped her overcome setbacks that would challenge the strongest among us.
What I enjoyed most about her book was that it opened a door for me into the world of war, through an authentic woman’s lens, which isn’t to say it was soft and fluffy. In her writing, Major Hegar ret. (known as MJ) shoots like a girl, and she shoots straight. MJ was one of those heroic women “on the front lines” before women were officially allowed to be there. She flew medivac helicopters in Afghanistan during three tours of duty, and served in the California National Guard fighting wildfires and running rescue missions in between. She saw death and was wounded herself in a harrowing string of events when her helicopter was shot down with wounded aboard. Her sharpshooting helped everyone escape alive.
Her journey to become a combat pilot was equally as harrowing.
(more…)
by Dana Theus | Oct 26, 2024 | Gender Equality, InPower Women Blog, The Woman Effect
Key Takeaways:
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Work-life balance is evolving into work-life partnership. Many successful women are thriving not because they’ve mastered a solo juggle, but because they’ve built supportive partnerships—especially at home—with men who share the load, often in ways that reverse traditional roles.
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Men are stepping up at home—and it matters. From dads managing the school run to husbands turning down promotions, the quiet revolution in domestic roles is fueling women’s rise in the workplace. It’s not about domination; it’s about teamwork.
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Supportive men aren’t unicorns—they’re everywhere. From male mentors in the boardroom to full-time male nannies and partners who cheer us on, many women are climbing because men are holding the ladder. Let’s not pretend our progress has happened in a vacuum.
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Blended leadership makes everyone smarter. Diverse perspectives—especially when women and men lead together—don’t just look good on paper. They actually boost group intelligence, drive innovation, and lead to better decisions. It’s not about women replacing men; it’s about rising together.
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The Woman Effect is a team sport. If we want long-term success—for ourselves, our companies, and our world—it’s time to ditch the either/or thinking and embrace collaborative leadership. Let’s thank our male allies, keep building balanced teams, and stop playing tug-of-war on the leadership seesaw.
As you may know by now, I’ve been on a research quest to understand why The Woman Effect is helping organizations and economies succeed when there is significant presence of women in leadership. My fourth (and final for now) finding turned out to be a happy surprise. In our search for leadership roles and work-life balance, it’s not just about us.
Reason Number 4: Women and men are forming new partnerships. (more…)
by Guest Author | Oct 24, 2024 | InPower Women Blog, Women in Leadership
Key Takeaways:
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Burning out isn’t a personal failing—it’s a cultural problem. We’ve been conditioned to see exhaustion as either a weakness or a badge of honor, when in reality it’s a red flag waving at a toxic, unsustainable system.
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The “I’m so busy” mantra isn’t impressive—it’s costly. Overwork is often worn like a status symbol, but behind the humblebrag lies decreased productivity, costly mistakes, and real mental and physical consequences.
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Self-care is not indulgent—it’s strategic. If you’re running on fumes, you’re not doing anyone (your employer, your kids, or yourself) any favors. Smart work starts with respecting your body and brain.
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We all play a role in normalizing burnout. Whether you’re a working mom or a CEO, buying into the grind culture without question only perpetuates it. Change starts with how we talk, how we work, and how we set boundaries.
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Well-being is not optional—it’s foundational. True productivity doesn’t come from 12-hour days and skipped meals; it comes from healthy, rested humans making clear-headed decisions. Let’s stop pretending otherwise.
I was shocked to read that only 9% of working mothers work 50 or more hours per week according to the American Community Survey. So why are so many of us feeling fried? Yes there is the issue that this study only measured paid work, and not the unpaid work of being a mother. But I suspect the issue goes deeper.
Consider this scenario.
It’s 8 pm. You are exhausted. You haven’t made a home cooked, from scratch meal in months. You haven’t gotten more than 5 hours sleep in weeks. Your to do list hasn’t dwindled all day. The gym? Date night with your husband? Who’s kidding whom? You’ve got homework to oversee, school lunches to prepare and still 2 more hours of work-work ahead of you.
Such is the life of a modern working mother.
A logical question arises anytime I step back and look at the corporate and billable hour landscape my clients work in or create. Why do people do this? (Note: I ask this as someone who worked similar to this for many years)
Why Are We Burning Out?
Because we don’t know any better.
I’ve written about how people mask burnout, fatigue and stress, unless of course it serves them to wear it as a badge of honor. Either way, living with burnout means we aren’t engaged employees and we aren’t giving our best as shown by the Towers Watson 2012 Global Workforce Study. That translates into slow company growth and slow job creation.
As it turns out, burnout isn’t just personal, it’s an economic matter.
But why do we have this skewed relationship with overwork and self-care? We are operating under one of two myths.
Myth #1 Burning Out Is Weakness
Just as Brene Brown, in her book Daring Greatly, debunks the myth that vulnerability is weakness, I feel so compelled to argue the same about burnout. Indeed, burnout and vulnerability go hand in hand. To admit we are burnout is to be vulnerable as its not something you talk about and if you do, you are weak.
From law firms to start ups, everyone is crazy busy. In April, all accountants are working 16-hour days. As you approach product launch, it’s all-hands on deck.
As we falter under the weight of it all, when we want to raise our hand and scream “uncle”, we look around and watch everyone else – heads down, toiling away.
Then we think, “who am I to complain or protest?”
We believe if we speak up, everyone else doing exactly what we are doing will look down upon us. We hear their replies before we ever speak:
“What makes you so special?”
“If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the kitchen.”
“Maybe you aren’t cut out for this kind of work.”
We begin to believe the problem is us, not them. So we work harder. We burnout.
Burnout is not a sign of weakness, it’s the result of a de-humanizing work environment and following the herd. Be smart and break the pattern. – Click To Tweet
Myth #2 Burning Out Is Cool
On the flip side, burnout is used by some as an “I’m cooler and more important than you” tool. Hang out at the coffee machine and see how often you hear:
“I’m crazy busy. I can’t believe how much I have to do. I don’t know how I’ll get it all done.”
“I’ve got so much to do, I don’t know where to begin.”
“I’m going to have to pull an all-nighter.”
Do you think this person is cool? No, I don’t either. Yet I’ve said these things, and if you’ve ever worked a day in your life, you probably have as well.
We say these things to let off steam, but also because it makes us feel important. “Someone must think so highly of me that they gave me all work. I must be indispensable.”
Here’s the thing, if your boss really cared about you and your well-being, he or she would want to make sure you had a reasonable (as opposed to a super-human) workload so you don’t burnout. Right?
Unreasonable hours and workloads fueled on free pizza and sodas may (or may not) lead to more getting done. For sure, overwork and short deadlines will lead to mistakes, lost productivity and lost opportunity cost. Whether its coding errors, or missing $100,000 mistake in a contract, burnout is not cool and it’s expensive.
It’s A Matter Of Personal Responsibility And Strategy
I want to be clear that there is no one to blame here. Not the working mother, not the employer. We are all operating within a culture that abhors weakness and celebrates hard work. Combine these values with technology-fueled speed, and you have a recipe for burnout.
There will always be deadlines, emergencies and urgency to get to market before our competitors. So how do we bust the myths and create an environment where employees are authentic to their physical and mental needs and still get the job done?
It comes down to personal responsibility. We each need to take responsibility for our own needs – employees and managers alike.
Busting the myths comes down to the old saying: it’s not about working harder, it’s about working smarter. How smart are you on your 12th hour of work? Would you want to get on a flight with a pilot who had as little sleep as you? How would you like to undergo surgery with a surgeon who was working as many as hours and taking care of himself as poorly as the average stressed out worker?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Working smarter means more than finding a new productivity hack. Working smarter means taking regular breaks (every 90 minutes is ideal). Working smarter means eating real food, not processed junk. Working smarter means getting 8-hours sleep and daily exercise. Working smarter means setting boundaries.
Employee well-being matters. It matters for our health, our relationships and our economy. Well-being is not about fluff. It’s about personal and professional results.
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Guide to Women in Leadership
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
