by Guest Author | Jan 11, 2025 | Career Development
When’s the last time you tuned into the self talk running in the background of your thoughts? The one that’s telling you that you’re great – or not? It can feel like an impossible thing to try to reprogram that voice, but you can and unless you’re constantly telling yourself you’re awesome, you should! Great insight from Andria on this topic! – InPower Editors
Lately I’ve been hearing a lot of negative head chatter; not only in my own head but also in the heads of my clients. They have shared some self-deprecating things they’ve been saying to themselves and I, too, have been aware of my own self-directed negativity. Maybe it’s because of the recent heat most of us have experienced or maybe its just old habits that resurface when we get tired and overworked. Regardless of the reason, I find this common among women; the self-criticism that goes on in our head and the fact that we are so hard on ourselves. It prompted me to include an excerpt from my book, Letting Go Of The Status Quo, where I shared a lot about how to reprogram that negative self-talk and be much kinder to ourselves. Re-reading this definitely reminded me of some key things I can do to shift that internal voice in a more positive direction. I hope it does the same for you!
Self talk is very powerful
I heard a statistic that adults have approximately 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts a day. That’s crazy, isn’t it? What would happen if you started to pay attention to even one-third of those 60,000 thoughts? For one-third of your waking hours, try to listen to the internal dialogue running through your mind. What is the soundtrack playing in your head? And of that one-third of the time that you’re paying attention to your internal dialogue, what percentage of that is actual self-talk? You know, the talk that begins when you wake up in the morning and look in the mirror. What do you say? “Good morning beautiful, you look ravishing today! Let’s make it another fantastic day!” Or is it more like what used to run through my head as I squinted my eyes to adjust to the bathroom light and thought to myself, “Oh Andria, you look so tired. You need to get rid of the luggage under your eyes. Where did THAT wrinkle come from? I swear it wasn’t there yesterday. I think we need to get better lighting in here. You look awful.” And then I’d brush my teeth and get on with my day without thinking anything was wrong with what just occurred. We are so self-critical, aren’t we? Think about it. Think of the things you say to yourself, and ask yourself if you would EVER say anything like that to the female child in your life, whether it’s your daughter, granddaughter, niece, or little sister. Would you EVER look at her and tell her she looks awful and perhaps she needs to stand under better light? I cringe when I think of anyone saying anything of the sort to my niece. I’d probably smack them if they ever talked to her that way. Yet I had no problem talking to myself this way. Why is that? Why is it okay to berate ourselves? Is it because no one can hear us? What would you think if you knew everyone could hear you? What if there was an internal microphone that broadcast all your internal chatter out in public? Would you be proud or embarrassed?
Self-talk is very powerful. It’s what we hear constantly, and unless you are good at quieting your mind, it can be hard to escape the chatter. For much of my life, my negative self-talk prevented me from doing what a person who loved me would tell me to do. It was a powerful force in my life but it took me years to recognize that it had any impact on me at all. Once I recognized the force of negative self-talk, I learned that positive self-talk could be just as powerful, if not more so, although it takes retraining of the brain (a lot of retraining in my case!). It requires attention to what you’re thinking and feeling so you can record over the negativity. Although I was first asked me at age 25 whether I loved myself (to which I replied, “of course!”), it took me ten more years before I consciously started treating myself with the love and respect I deserved
As I began to understand how powerful our thoughts are in creating what we experience, I wanted to change a lot of my internal dialogue. It’s not easy to monitor all that chatter but what makes it easier is paying attention to how you feel. Your feelings are an indicator of what you are thinking. So clearly, if I am berating myself for something, I don’t feel very good. Recognizing these bad feelings would cause me to stop and pay attention to what thoughts were going through my head at that moment. That is usually when I identified the negative thought creating the negative feelings and that’s when there was an opportunity to make a change.
Awareness is just the first step. Actually changing the dialogue and self-talk takes practice and effort. I wanted to make a change because I was acutely aware of the impact the negative self-talk had on me throughout most of my life. It held me back, created fear and anxiety, and it made me feel bad. That was not what I wanted to experience anymore.
After becoming aware there were two questions I began to consistently ask myself upon hearing the negative inner chatter: 1) would you ever say these things to Nicole (my beloved, 12 year old niece) and 2) would you be proud or embarrassed if there was a microphone attached to your head which made all these internal words audible to the public? From there I began to shift the dialogue to what I would actually say to Nicole and what would not embarrass me if it were actually made as a public statement.
Now it’s your turn… when you find yourself bombarded by your internal negative chatterbox, ask yourself if you’d speak these same words to your daughter, niece, little sister or any person in your life that you love. Next, ask yourself if you would be proud to have this internal chatterbox being broadcast out in your public for all to hear. Then, change your words to what would make you proud and what you would tell the person you love. Do that each time you hear the negative chatterbox and begin to treat yourself with the love and respect you deserve.
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Rewriting the narrative on women and power
by Guest Author | Jan 9, 2025 | Leadership
Key Takeaways:
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Have it all yet stay grounded: True success isn’t just about accumulating—it’s understanding why you want something and ensuring your ambitions align with your values.
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Clarity of purpose drives action: Highly effective people know exactly what they’re working toward and why, which sharpens focus and fuels momentum.
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Simplicity, consistency, and planning form the trifecta of achievement: Break complex goals into small steps, follow through daily, and map out the path with clear plans. coachcarlene.com
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Mindsets shape progress: Believing in growth over fixed traits, cultivating a sense of belonging, and seeing value in your efforts are foundational for resilience and achievement.
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Review, reflect, refine: Regularly revisit your intentions, refine your goals, and stay aligned with your vision for sustained forward movement.
The “have it all” debate is getting old, but that doesn’t mean we still don’t want it all! Laurie provides some great insight into what it takes to have it all. – InPower Editors
Last week I shared a manifesto of sorts about how I’ve come to realize – after years of resisting – that we can “have it all.”
You can have a great family, a great job, great friends, happiness, fulfillment; the whole American Dream (and the kit and caboodle).
I got great feedback, but I got some anticipated backlash. Most people who say you can have it all seem to be saying “you can buy it all.” Unlike the privileged class, I don’t have lots of cars, houses, a personal assistant or even a steady paycheck. I clean my own house and we are a one-car family. Yet I have it all. (Hint: having it all is not about stuff).
“Having it all” is complex concept and there are many variables and flavors. From hundreds of conversations with people, I’ve found the foundation of “having it all” is living from a place of time mastery as I’ve written about before. Yet, most people can’t get that far. There is something that gets in their way of “having it all” and it’s not time nor money.
The barrier to “having it all” lies deep in our brain and mind.
Pull The Plug, This Tub Is Overflowing
When I’ve heard work-life balance and leadership gurus espouse how you can “have it all” I have cringed and broken into a cold sweat (just for the record I abhor the term work-life balance while understanding that’s what most people say they want). The idea of “having it all” conjures up anxiety, panic, and fear. “Having it all” has put me into full on overwhelm. That’s why I’ve resisted the idea. I’ve rallied against “having it all”. But why? Why did just the idea of “having it all” make me (and my clients) break into a cold sweat? And why did I do an about face on the subject and embrace “having it all”?
The picture of having it all is typically portrayed by the image of a woman juggling baby, cooking, conference calls, soccer practice, pedicures and 20 other tasks at the same time. She is frazzled – think Sarah Jessica Parker in I Don’t Know How She Does It. She is burnt out. In short, the idea of having it all triggers overwhelm for most people.
[NOTE: “having it all” and juggling baby and career is not a gender issue, it’s a human issue. I know plenty of men frazzled and juggling these obligations, just substitute pedicure with tee time.]
Overwhelm sprouts from our amygdala, that part of our brain responsible for our flight or fight response. Having it all feels like too much. It feels risky. We don’t want to be frazzled. We want freedom. Yet you might equate having it all with living within the confines of a day planner, running from one thing to the next without a moment to pause. You might associate “having it all” with never getting time to rest. If this is your image, “having it all” will be overwhelming.
Overwhelm is pure B.S. If overwhelm is a seed in our brain that sprouts as fear, it was planted there by our belief system.
To “have it all” you must go deep inside and pull the plug on overwhelm. That means you must address the beliefs that keep you from having it all.
The Mindset Secrets Of People Who Have It All
There are many beliefs that trigger overwhelm and keep us stuck. I have been struggling with overwhelm for years and just recently have been forcing myself to face the consequences of that struggle. That has meant uncovering my B.S. and adopting a different (overwhelm-free) mindset. Here are just three helpful mindsets of people who “have it all.”
1. Release Perfectionism. We often equate “having it all” with perfection. Perfect job. Perfect spouse. Perfect house. As one of my bosses said (and many before him) “don’t sacrifice the good for the perfect”. I hated to hear that but he was right.
Perfectionism fuels overwhelm. Yet you can’t “have it all” if you’re in overwhelm. Release your need to be perfect and you’ll create space for energy, joy and creativity.
2. Stop Trying To Impress People. We all have the drive to be liked; its how we connect. Yet when approval drives our car, love and connection become conditional and eventually it’s a proxy for our self-worth. When we hit this territory, “having it all” becomes overwhelming because we realize we can’t make everyone happy and our world might crumble.
Approval can be a drug. Release your need to impress and you will start to create a life you want for yourself, not the life others want for you.
3. Stop Making False Choices. Here’s a simple example of how we make false, energy draining choices everyday. Last week I had the choice: finish this blog post by Wednesday or have dinner with friends that night. I got stressed and overwhelmed until I realized this was a false choice. I could finish this article on my Friday flight and still have it to my assistant in time for posting on Monday. We create these choices all the time.
Distinguish between false and true choices and only make the true choices. When you stop making false choices, you get to do more and have it all.
“Having it all” is often considered amassing things in your life (material, status, relationships, etc). “Having it all” is actually an inner game played in the mind.
Do you have it all? If so, share your mindset secrets. If not, what B.S. is getting in you way?
Last week I shared a manifesto of sorts about how I’ve come to realize – after years of resisting – that we can “have it all.”
You can have a great family, a great job, great friends, happiness, fulfillment; the whole American Dream (and the kit and caboodle). You can read my ode to Labor Day and “having it all” here.
I got great feedback, but I got some anticipated backlash. Most people who say you can have all seem to be saying “you can buy it all.” Unlike the privileged class, I don’t have lots of cars, houses, a personal assistant or even a steady paycheck. I clean my own house and we are a one-car family. Yet I have it all. (Hint: having it all is not about stuff).
“Having it all” is complex concept and there are many variables and flavors. From hundreds of conversations with people, I’ve found the foundation of “having it all” is living from a place of time mastery as I’ve written about before. Yet, most people can’t get that far. There is something that gets in their way of “having it all” and it’s not time nor money.
The barrier to “having it all” lies deep in our brain and mind.
Pull The Plug, This Tub Is Overflowing
When I’ve heard work-life balance and leadership gurus espouse how you can “have it all” I have cringed and broken into a cold sweat (just for the record I abhor the term work-life balance while understanding that’s what most people say they want). The idea of “having it all” conjures up anxiety, panic, and fear. “Having it all” has put me into full on overwhelm. That’s why I’ve resisted the idea. I’ve rallied against “having it all”. But why? Why did just the idea of “having it all” make me (and my clients) break into a cold sweat? And why did I do an about face on the subject and embrace “having it all”?
The picture of having it all is typically portrayed by the image of a woman juggling baby, cooking, conference calls, soccer practice, pedicures and 20 other tasks at the same time. She is frazzled – think Sarah Jessica Parker in I Don’t Know How She Does It. She is burnt out. In short, the idea of having it all triggers overwhelm for most people.
[NOTE: “having it all” and juggling baby and career is not a gender issue, it’s a human issue. I know plenty of men frazzled and juggling these obligations, just substitute pedicure with tee time.]
Overwhelm sprouts from our amygdala, that part of our brain responsible for our flight or fight response. Having it all feels like too much. It feels risky. We don’t want to be frazzled. We want freedom. Yet you might equate having it all with living within the confines of a day planner, running from one thing to the next without a moment to pause. You might associate “having it all” with never getting time to rest. If this is your image, “having it all” will be overwhelming.
Overwhelm is pure B.S. If overwhelm is a seed in our brain that sprouts as fear, it was planted there by our belief system.
To “have it all” you must go deep inside and pull the plug on overwhelm. That means you must address the beliefs that keep you from having it all.
The Mindset Secrets Of People Who Have It All
There are many beliefs that trigger overwhelm and keep us stuck. I have been struggling with overwhelm for years and just recently have been forcing myself to face the consequences of that struggle. That has meant uncovering my B.S. and adopting a different (overwhelm-free) mindset. Here are just three helpful mindsets of people who “have it all.”
1. Release Perfectionism. We often equate “having it all” with perfection. Perfect job. Perfect spouse. Perfect house. As one of my bosses said (and many before him) “don’t sacrifice the good for the perfect”. I hated to hear that but he was right.
Perfectionism fuels overwhelm. Yet you can’t “have it all” if you’re in overwhelm. Release your need to be perfect and you’ll create space for energy, joy and creativity.
2. Stop Trying To Impress People. We all have the drive to be liked; its how we connect. Yet when approval drives our car, love and connection become conditional and eventually it’s a proxy for our self-worth. When we hit this territory, “having it all” becomes overwhelming because we realize we can’t make everyone happy and our world might crumble.
Approval can be a drug. Release your need to impress and you will start to create a life you want for yourself, not the life others want for you.
3. Stop Making False Choices. Here’s a simple example of how we make false, energy draining choices everyday. Last week I had the choice: finish this blog post by Wednesday or have dinner with friends that night. I got stressed and overwhelmed until I realized this was a false choice. I could finish this article on my Friday flight and still have it to my assistant in time for posting on Monday. We create these choices all the time.
Distinguish between false and true choices and only make the true choices. When you stop making false choices, you get to do more and have it all.
“Having it all” is often considered amassing things in your life (material, status, relationships, etc). “Having it all” is actually an inner game played in the mind.
Do you have it all? If so, share your mindset secrets. If not, what B.S. is getting in you way?
Authentic Feminine Leadership
Reimagine feminine success
FREE NEWSLETTER
unlock your authentic relationship with power
by Guest Author | Jan 7, 2025 | Coaching Advice, Personal Mastery
Key Takeaways:
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Disappointment is painful and unavoidable, but there are emotional strategies that can help you bounce back and recover more quickly.
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Emotional healing starts not with logic but with movement, laughter, and action—tools that help shift your mood from within.
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Identifying core values and setting goals based on them can reorient your focus and reignite a sense of purpose after a setback.
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Practicing daily gratitude, even for small things, opens your heart to positivity and can help you reframe unfortunate events in a healthier light.
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Creating tools like a “Jar of Joy” or having uplifting items and humor on hand can help lift your spirits in moments of stress or sadness.
Life isn’t fair. You can’t always get what you want. Even though you know this, disappointment hurts anyway.
You can’t think yourself into feeling better. The shift has to be made emotionally. Hopefully, you will be able to shift to feeling gratitude or happiness after a setback. Most likely, you’ll start with acceptance. From here, you might consider if your expectations were realistic and if there are any lessons to remember. But first you have to shake off your sadness, regret, frustration, and disillusionment.
Bounce back from disappointment
- Force a smile, even a laugh, to trigger the emotional shifting process. Forced smiles and laughter release the neurochemicals that will make you feel better faster.
- Move your body. Complex movement (not repetitive actions like running) can lift you out of an emotional rut. Engage in a sport, practice a martial art or yoga, or take a spirited exercise class to shake the bad feelings off your back.
- Identify the values that were compromised. Recall a time when your life was flowing and you felt light, alive, and fulfilled. Name five things you had or were doing that helped you feel this way. These five things represent what is most important to you and what you need to feel happy. What could you do now that demonstrates you are doing your best to have these values become a strong part of your daily life? Set some values-based goals you can start working on today.
- Make time to reflect on what you are grateful for in the moment. First, list three small things that happened today that you are grateful for, such as finding a short line at the post office, brewing a perfect cup of coffee, seeing your pet’s dreamy eyes, or having a smooth ride into work. Once you open your heart with gratitude, look to see what you are grateful for in the situation where things didn’t turn out as you had hoped. For example, even though you lost a contract, you now have time to finish something important to you. Even though you got a speeding ticket on the way to work, you realize the slower drive in leaves you feeling less stressed. Even though your child failed math, notice what other talents and passions he or she has. Focus on the gifts not the losses.
- Reward yourself for riding the waves. Make a list of everything that brings you joy that you could put your hands on or do in a fairly short time. Do you love fresh flowers? Do you have a friend you can call who makes you smile? Do you have a favorite book or YouTube video? Make the list and then write each item on a single strip of paper. Put the papers in a jar. When you have a setback, pull a strip from your Jar of Joy and do what it says no matter how bad you feel. Go buy a flower. Call your friend. Watch that video. You’ll bounce back in no time.
- Lift your spirits in the places that cause the most stress. Keep cartoons, family or vacation photos, and small toys near your desk or in the car for stressful moments. Have some way to listen to your favorite music even at work. Photos, toys, and music that make you smile are essentials in your first aid kit.
- Practice seeing the funny side of life. Each evening for a week, watch a funny movie, read only comics in the paper, seek out funny people, and try to find the humor in the mundane. This will increase your creativity(link is external). You might change your mind for life.
The shift can take time. You might have to grieve the loss of friends, jobs, health, or dreams. If your sadness is keeping you from normal functioning, seek the guidance of a therapist.
Practice these tips to increase your resilience.
InPower Women’s Mastermind
We don’t Mastermind your business. We Mastermind YOU!
by Guest Author | Jan 5, 2025 | Career Development
Key Takeaways:
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“Am I crazy” is often the wrong question—what you’re really feeling is disconnected or overwhelmed. The real issue is usually a loss of perspective, not a loss of sanity.
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You’re not alone—many smart, capable people question themselves when the world around them doesn’t align with their values or instincts.
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Clarity comes from pausing, not pushing. Step back, reflect, and reframe before jumping to conclusions.
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Seek grounded allies—not just cheerleaders—who can help you recalibrate your perspective.
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Reconnecting with your inner truth helps you discern whether a situation is truly “crazy” or just out of sync with who you are.
Women tend to think they’re nuts more than men. It’s a fact. We second guess ourselves all the time, even when we know we shouldn’t. Marcia’s advice to turn your “Am I crazy?” moments into a self-coaching opportunity is right on the money. Try it! – InPower Editors
According to Gender Intelligence expert, Barbara Annis, women tend to spend more time on introspection and worry over social interactions and daily events than men. Women tend to reflect on a situation over and over, looking at what went wrong, what they should have done or said differently, and why people reacted the way they did. They also spend more time than men worrying about what will happen in the future to their security and happiness and how this will affect the people they live and work with. Men spend more time deliberating over solutions; women ruminate on causes and effects.
In other words, as a woman, you often think yourself crazy
When you feel stuck, overwhelmed or stressed out, your brain is trapped in negative thinking patterns. You are likely to believe the worst will happen. You regret your life/career choices. You might find yourself critical of everything and everybody around you. Here are six tips to shift your perspective out of a negative spiral:
Shifting Tip #1: First, release the tension
You can’t change your thoughts while the adrenalin is flooding your body. Acknowledge you are hurting yourself. Then breathe deeply into your abdomen and slowly exhale until your body relaxes. Think of someone you care about or something you are proud of about yourself. Bring that thought into your heart and smile.
Shifting Tip #2: Notice what point in time you are stuck on, the past or the future
- If you are stuck in the past, look for what your brain is trying to teach you. Recently, a woman told me that no matter how badly a situation turned out, we have to “squeeze the blessings” out of it. What mistake will you never make again? Write it down so you don’t have to think about it anymore. Also, you had a reason for making the choices and taking the actions you did. You now know there were other things you could have done. List out what you have learned from the experience so you have guidance for the future. Your past events shine a light on possibilities in the future based on what you now know about yourself, your desires, and what you do well. You have value. Your love is needed. Your work is important. Quit beating yourself up over the past so you have energy to focus on the future.
- If you are stuck worrying about the future, try to determine what is at stake, really, and what is honestly in your control to do anything about what could happen. What are the consequences, really? How likely will the worst happen? How does the bad weigh against the good possibilities if you choose to move forward? If you don’t get what you hope for, what will you do next? Focus on what is in your control to do or influence. When you worry about things you can’t change or influence, you either burn-out or become a victim.
Shifting Tip #3: Examine your past history with worrying
Have any of your worries come true in the past? If they did, how did you cope with the outcome? Did any of the unexpected experiences lead to even better outcomes? It’s likely if you go with the flow you will handle what turns up and maybe even be grateful for the surprises.
Shifting Tip #4: Set aside a specific time to rehash the past or worry about the future
If you schedule a time of day to ruminate, you can remind your brain that you will attend to the problem later. Then you can focus on something more productive until your appointment comes up.
Shifting Tip #5: Practice self-compassion
Treat yourself like you would want others to treat you. Forgive yourself for being a human who has made mistakes in the past and will probably make more in the future. Find gentler ways to talk to yourself instead of using harmful words.
Shifting Tip #6: Focus on your next steps
You will feel more control when you are in action. Plan your next steps, even if they are small. Then be positively curious about what will happen next when you keep moving forward.
If these tips don’t help, I suggest you seek professional help to determine if there are clinical factors that needs to be addressed.
If you do find relief practicing these tips, print this page and keep it nearby so you don’t fall back into bad habits. You can learn from your actions and move on. You can trust things will work out, because they generally do. Don’t ever forget that you are the master of your brain when you decide to take control.
Originally on: Psychology Today
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Authentic Feminine Leadership
Reimagine feminine success
FREE NEWSLETTER
unlock your authentic relationship with power
by Guest Author | Jan 3, 2025 | InPower Women Blog, Work-Life Blend
Key Takeaways:
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You are not your job—and forgetting that can leave you feeling hollow when roles change or careers shift. True identity is not tethered to a title or paycheck.
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When we over-identify with our jobs, setbacks at work can feel like personal failures. Detaching a bit helps us stay resilient and emotionally grounded.
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Embracing your full self means honoring your values, passions, and voice—not just your productivity or professional role.
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Personal growth doesn’t require career crisis. Regular reflection can help you course-correct before burnout or disillusionment take hold.
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Reclaiming who you are beyond work opens up joy, creativity, and authentic confidence that no job loss or promotion can take away.
I know a woman who lost her job.
She knew it was coming.
After all, she was privy to the numbers.
Moreover, she’d watched as colleagues went into the boss’ office one-by-one, only to emerge and pack up their things.
Now it was her turn.
In the days leading up to her meeting – in a cruel twist, yes, there were days – we’d been chatting about how she could mentally prepare.
And while I’m not a huge fan of mantras, these are situations where they actually do come in handy.
So her mantra became: I am not my job.
You are not your job
Maybe you need this one too. It’s true, you know You are not your job.
Maybe – like my friend – you’ve become so overly identified with your work that even the slightest threat of it being taken away instills not just fear, but outright panic.
This is dangerous.
As I’ve said before, when your self-worth is wrapped in things that are outside of your control, you’re setting yourself up for an emotional roller coaster.
In other words, you’re up when the job is up, and down when the job is down.
This is also true when your worth is wrapped in a relationship by the way, but since this is a career blog I won’t digress… too much.
Suffice it to say that we must come to our work and our homes as full beings already – otherwise we will expect too much from them.
And yet…
We all know change is hard especially when there are mortgages to pay, mouths to feed, and retirements to save for.
But change is also inevitable so – knowing this – why do we resist it so much? Shouldn’t we just move through it knowing that whatever happens is designed to prepare us for the next step of our lives and to teach us something we didn’t know before?
As humans, we are clearly hardwired to be creatures of habit and comfort. Translation: If we didn’t get shaken up once in a while, most of us would be perfectly happy to live in quiet complacency.
But this is obviously less than we’ve been called to do… so the rug has to get pulled from underneath us sometimes which is essentially life’s way of saying M-O-V-E.
The trick, of course, is to understand that it’s happening FOR us instead of TO us…and let go.
Ever heard of the parable of the trapeze?
Naturally, trapeze artists know there’s a period where you have to completely detach from one bar to grab the next.
Life is like that too, isn’t it?
I mean, the tighter our grip on the “old” bars, the less available we are for the “new” ones.
So back to my friend.
I’m happy to report that she found a new bar.
Wait – that sounds bad.
She found a new opportunity – one that’s a better environment for her skills and interests.
Seriously. This is a message she sent to her Awake Exec sisters just a few hours ago:
I feel like I’ve been here much longer than three weeks, in a really good way. Sometimes things happen so that we can find other ways to grow and help others. I am so happy and thankful for all of these things and for all of you. Thank you for believing in and supporting me!
How amazing is that?
Further proof that sometimes all you have to do is get comfortable in the air and – lo and behold – you will land on your feet. Especially when you remember that you are not your job.
Originally on: Emily Bennington
Free Advice for Mentoring Women
Tropes and truths to help mentors and proteges navigate workplace biases and outdated advice.
by Guest Author | Jan 1, 2025 | Coaching Advice, Commentary
Key Takeaways:
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Burnout is not a badge of honor. It’s a warning sign that you’re pushing yourself beyond healthy limits. Engaging in “Burnout Roller Derby,” where exhaustion is worn like a trophy, only leads to inefficiency and deeper fatigue
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Recognize your magnificence. Acknowledge your worth beyond productivity metrics. Embrace affirmations like “I have nothing to prove” to combat the cycle of overwork and self-doubt.
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Set realistic expectations. Avoid overcommitting by establishing clear boundaries with colleagues, family, and friends. This helps prevent the overwhelm that leads to burnout.
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Prioritize self-care. Engage in activities that rejuvenate you, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies. Scheduling regular breaks and ensuring adequate sleep are essential for maintaining energy levels.
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Seek support when needed. Don’t hesitate to ask for help. Whether it’s professional guidance or leaning on friends and family, support is crucial in managing stress and avoiding burnout.
It all started in kindergarten, or maybe it was preschool. You got a gold star when you did something well. Those gold stars might as well have been made of gold they were so precious. And thus began your structured indoctrination in rewards for work.
If you’re anything like me and millions of driven, high-achieving professionals, you began to covet gold stars, which transformed into dollars and job titles: partner, vice president, senior vice president, chief “something” officer. Then you begin to reward yourself with a nicer house and car. Then you rewarded your kids with a nicer school. The rewards keep coming for all that hard work.
At some point, however, the joy and pride that came with each promotion, raise and job title started to fade. Remember how excited you were when you received a gold star? Did you feel that way when you got your last raise or promotion? What if you could experience that energy again?
If rewards are beginning to fall flat, seem ho hum or are welcomed with an ”its about time” attitude, burnout is likely lurking in your life. Your energy levels are also not like they were when you were a child receiving gold stars. Almost everyone I talk with wants more energy and wants to do more, especially more fun stuff. But how when you’re burning out in pursuit of the next reward?
Burnout is Not A Badge Of Honor
Have you ever told someone “I’m so busy I don’t know how I’ll get it all done?” Yes, I thought so.
Have you ever had someone respond with “oh that’s nothing, I have x, y and z to do and two hours to do it.” Yes, I’ve heard this too (and I’ll confess I’ve said it on a few or more occasions).
This one up’s manship of how busy, tired and driven someone is, is what I call “Burnout Roller Derby.” Its where to do lists, coffee runs and face time become a contact sport with people seeming to compete over how much they have to do, how little sleep they got, how many hours they were at the office and how much more their boss is a hard-ass. It becomes like a drinking game where those playing just get more fatigued, burnout and inefficient.
I share, with a healthy dose of embarrassment that I used to engage in Burnout Roller Derby. In fact, I was good at it – I could work people under the table – and would wear my gold star with pride. As you know, my Burnout Roller Derby career came to end, a fact I’m thankful for since it could have been worse. I could have been the executive who left on disability after three heart attacks.
Instead of having my co-workers call 911, I decided to ignite my life with more energy, passion and meaning. The great thing is I didn’t have to leave corporate to do this. Sure I eventually left, but only because I was called to help others learn how to get more energy, be more productive and create a meaningful life.
Today, in honor of rolling out the new website and Stress Awareness Month, I want to share with you some principles and affirmations I’ve learned after watching hundreds if not thousands of people burnout in the legal, consulting, retail, health and corporate environments. I used them to overcome my own burnout. These principles and affirmations will help you re-energize, re-focus and re-engage.
I dare say that together these principles and affirmations are a manifesto to ignite your life.
The Ignite Your Life Manifesto – An Antidote for Burnout
When you’re feeling exhausted, stressed and overwhelmed by all that life is throwing your way, commit (or re-commit) to the following:
I will stop comparing myself to others.
I will set realistic expectations with myself, co-workers, family and friends.
Practice gratitude.
I will not judge myself or others.
I will fuel my body with real, whole, alkalizing, inflammation-reducing foods.
I will not project my fears and doubts on others.
I will carve out playtime; you know where you laugh and have fun without a hangover.
I will recognize my magnificence.
I will eliminate “I can’t”, “they won’t” and “that’s impossible” from my vocabulary.
Get up and move around.
I always have options.
I will ask for help.
Head for the clearing in the forest and breath.
I will get 8 hours sleep a night.
I have nothing to prove.
I will not give up.
My intuition speaks the truth.
Fear, jealously, envy and anger never created a fulfilling life.
I will bring my best, most creative self to every part of my day; no more skimping.
More than anything else, I have the power to create the life I want and feel the things I want to feel. Today, this very moment, I will use that power.
Gifts
We all have gifts we are meant to use in this world. Burnout can keep us from using them. To ignite your energy, use this manifesto every day to keep you focused on your desires.
As my gift to you, I have created a pretty downloadable version of the Ignite Your Life Manifesto to print out and put on your office wall, cubicle or kitchen.
Click here to download the Manifesto.
Now it’s your turn. Do you engage in Burnout Roller Derby? How do you stop yourself?
InPower Women’s Mastermind
We don’t Mastermind your business. We Mastermind YOU!
by Guest Author | Dec 30, 2024 | Career Development, Coaching Advice, InPower Women Blog, Mentoring
Key Takeaways:
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A mentor is valuable, but it isn’t enough—especially for women aiming for leadership roles. Studies show that while mentors provide guidance, sponsors—those who actively advocate for you—are crucial for career advancement. Without sponsorship, women often remain underrepresented in senior positions.
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Mentors offer advice; sponsors create opportunities. A mentor may provide feedback and support, but a sponsor uses their influence to advocate for your promotion, visibility, or new assignments. This distinction is vital for breaking through the leadership pipeline.
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Women often receive mentorship more than men, but it doesn’t translate to equal advancement. Research indicates that men with mentors are more likely to attain higher positions and salaries compared to women with mentors. This disparity underscores the need for both mentorship and sponsorship.
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A single mentor isn’t sufficient. Diverse perspectives are essential for growth. Engaging with multiple mentors across different areas can provide broader insights and support, enhancing personal and professional development.
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Organizations must recognize the difference between mentoring and sponsoring. While mentorship is about guidance and support, sponsorship involves active advocacy. Companies should foster environments where both mentors and sponsors can thrive to ensure equitable advancement opportunities.
By: Dr. Tanvi Gautam
What you need is a mentor! We have all heard that piece of advice at some point or the other in our careers. Organizations believe in this idea too and many make it a policy to assign employees to mentors.
While this concept is well-intentioned there is an inherent flaw in the idea.
The flaw lies in the assumption that a single mentor can be the solution to all learning needs of the employee.
In reality, an employee needs more than a single dedicated mentor to reach their potential. So for instance a mentor who is technically very sound may not have the insight into the larger firm to help the mentee navigate the organization’s unwritten rules. Therefore what is needed is a network of mentors–a network that represents a variety of competencies and varying degrees of expertise to help an individual navigate different stages of their career.
Another flaw in the ‘you need a mentor’ argument is that it is incomplete in its thought process. What it should say instead is: you need a mentor AND a sponsor!
What’s the difference?
A mentor answers questions and offers advice. A sponsor acts on your behalf—helping you to advance in knowledge and in success both by providing you with helpful advice and by working behind the scenes for your benefit. As Jan Combopiano, Catalyst VP & Chief Knowledge Officer, explains: “Mentors support you face-to-face; sponsors advocate for you behind closed doors.”
It’s an important distinction to understand!
Whether or not you have access to the right mentors and sponsors at the right time can be a major factor in determining your level of professional success. This is true for men—but even more so for women. Women face additional obstacles while building their career. (did you know that less than 4% of Fortune 500 companies feature a woman as CEO?) Therefore it is critical that they have resources in place for support. (Useful link: How to build a network of mentors.)
While building relationships with mentors and sponsors may not seem like a priority at the moment, if you wait until youneed them, it will be too late. It is important that you begin taking steps right now in order to develop these relationships. Not sure where to start? Below are three ideas.
Look for mentors and sponsors within your company
The first place to look is the most obvious—within your company. Seek out experienced professionals and attempt to strike up a relationship. A great first step may be to invite them out for coffee “so that you can pick their brain.” Ask questions and listen! Approaching someone and asking them to be a mentor is an awkward way to do it. If you must, make sure you give the person a way to get out of it by noting that you understand if they are too busy (useful link: How to find a mentor at work.)
Attend professional networking events
Before you attend such events, scan the list of all those attending, if needed send an email in advance informing them how you look forward to meeting with them. Referring to any work done by them can help make a connection quickly. Make sure to seek them out and be ready to appear like someone who had done their ground work. Touch base after the event is over. This may be the start of a wonderful future relationship.
Look for opportunities to give, not just to receive.
When you’re new in an industry or with a company, you have many more questions than you do answers. But do your best to look for opportunities to help others out—you never know how such a relationship may benefit you in the future!
If you can build a strong network of mentors and sponsors, you have a huge advantage in the world of business. No matter how intelligent or determined you are, there will be times when you simply don’t have the answer. In those circumstances, your sponsors and mentors will be your saving grace! (Useful link: Finding the right mentor for you)
Take the time right now to lay out a strategy for building your network. Feel free to contact us for further information… good luck!
Originally posted on: wowfactor
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
Dr. Tanvi Gautam, the managing Partner of Global People Tree aims to inspire a new generation of women leaders through her writing and podcasts. She is also an academic, a storyteller and a mother – all on a single day ! Dr. Tanvi is on the board of the Asian Region Training and development organization, and was recognized as women HR leaders to follow by the Business Manager magazine. She also a sought after speaker at national and international conferences. She loves to share ideas on twitter @tanvi_gautam When it comes to women and leadership she asks: If not now, then when. If not you, then who?
Free Advice for Mentoring Women
Tropes and truths to help mentors and proteges navigate workplace biases and outdated advice.
by Guest Author | Dec 28, 2024 | Gender Equality, InPower Women Blog, Women in Leadership
Key Takeaways:
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Corporate America is still falling short on gender parity at the top, and it’s time to ask the hard questions. Despite all the well-funded diversity programs and the clear business case for inclusion, too many companies still don’t know why women are leaving or stalling—and they haven’t done the deep, data-driven work to find out.
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Authenticity is not optional for women—it’s essential. If the workplace forces women to mask their values, voices, or vulnerabilities, many will opt out rather than play a role that doesn’t align with who they are.
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Work, family, and life priorities don’t magically align—and pretending they do is one reason we’re losing women from leadership pipelines. Until organizations modernize their cultures and policies to reflect reality, this clash will continue to drive women out.
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Let’s stop pretending marginalization doesn’t happen—it does, often silently and systemically. From being sidelined for taking parental leave to having leadership styles undervalued, women are still facing barriers that go unnamed and unaddressed in too many companies.
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Personal accountability isn’t about blaming women—it’s about empowering them. We need both organizational reform and individual courage: women who understand the game, honor their own leadership voice, and take bold, skilled action to change the rules.
By: Kathy Caprino
As a trainer and leadership developer of women, I’ve had the opportunity to speak with hundreds of HR and senior executive leaders the past 10 years, about women, growth, and paving the way for women’s ascension to leadership in corporate America. Yet what remains so disappointing and in fact, shocking, is that despite the irrefutable business case for the need to balance corporate leadership ranks with more women, we’re making very little headway – very little progress in the way of effective corporate change is occurring. Yes there are winners of Catalyst and other awards – and great, progressive organizations doing their part – but in the whole of corporate America, we’re not seeing the substantive change that’s necessary. Further, recent studies show that senior women are hit three times harder than their male counterparts in these tough economic times.
I believe there are 6 core reasons why women aren’t advancing to the leadership ranks to the degree we need them to in corporate America. One of the most important factors is that organizations are not digging deep enough to uncover EXACTLY why their organization isn’t fostering women leaders successfully. Leaders and HR directors attempt to address the issue every day, and they commit diversity dollars, initiatives, training programs and networking events to moving the needle, but rarely have the hard data, research and findings from men and women in the organization as to why women are leaving before they reach leadership levels, why they are plateauing or not being promoting effectively into leadership. Thus, their programs and initiatives don’t make a lasting difference.
Before I share what I believe are the 6 reasons why women aren’t leading in sufficient numbers, I’d like to ask HR staff and senior leaders this question:
Do you know (based on sound research and data and frank and open conversations at your company) EXACTLY why women are not sitting at your leadership tables in your organization? Do you have a handle on the specific part of the pipeline where you lose women, and why? If not, what step can you take this month to investigate as thoroughly as possible the barriers to women’s leadership success at your company?
If you don’t know the answers to these questions, the very first thing you must do is begin a research and data gathering initiative – conduct a thorough, candid, and probing exploration of what isn’t happening that needs to be, and determine the barriers to women’s growth that are specific to your organization, culture, and enterprise.
To get you started in your thinking, below are the top 6 reasons I’ve found for why women aren’t leading as we need them to in corporate business, based on my 10 years of work in the field, my year-long research study, my book Breakdown, Breakthrough, my Career Success training programs and my leadership consulting.
The top six reasons why women aren’t leading in sufficient numbers
1) The differences between men and women are not fully understood or valued
It’s an indisputable fact – women and men are different in many core ways, grounded in their neurobiology and their cultural training. (Read Dr. Louann Brizendine’s books The Female Brain and The Male Brain for more info). So much of men and women’s behavior is programmed, hard-wired in our brains, and also culturally influenced. I’ve found, however, that in corporate America (which remains male-dominated at the leadership levels), the differences in women’s style, approach, communication, decision making, leadership values, focus and “energy,” are not at all understood or valued. Many organizations still make women “wrong” (consciously or subconsciously) for their priorities and styles that clash with the dominant culture. Further, the emphasis many women leaders place on connection, empathy, emotional cue-taking, consensus-building, risk-taking, mutuality, and questioning are often misconstrued as a “less-than” leadership style. More multicultural and diversity training must occur for women and men to wholly embrace their differences, and understand that it is diversity and difference that makes us stronger and more competitive.
2) Whole-self authenticity is a must-have for many women, yet impossible still in many corporate environments
During a class I taught at New York University last summer on managing inclusion and cultural diversity, my students and I discussed the idea of bringing our whole hearts and spirits to our work and our careers – the idea that authenticity and transparency, and being who we really are – and being recognized and appreciated for that — is a vitally important criterion for our career success. A fascinating finding emerged – literally every woman in the class was in complete accord – that authenticity and being able to bring our whole selves to our work is essential to our fulfillment and success.
But the males in the class vehemently disagreed. They shared their feelings that full transparency at work, and “exposing” all parts of themselves (personal and otherwise) was not at all desirable. They confirmed this with numerous male friends and colleagues, who all agreed that it’s not safe or accepted (or wanted) to be fully transparent and bring their whole selves to the workplace. I’ve seen this as a commonly held difference between men and women in the workplace, again impacted by cultural training and neurobiology. (Again, I am fully aware that many men do indeed bring their full, authentic selves to work.) But what’s vital to remember is that, for thousands of women, if they can’t be real, true, transparent, honest and authentic at work – and can’t be recognized, valued and appreciated for what they bring to the table — they won’t want to follow the leadership at the helm or do what it takes to succeed in their organizations or roles. If the political environment is so crushing, and the competitive terrain so negative that work feels like “theatre” and women have to pretend to be something they are not (which it did for me for numbers of years in my corporate life), then it’s not sustainable, and not worth it. Thousands of women are fleeing corporate America and starting their own businesses to escape what isn’t working for them, and also to create new models of business success and leadership that fit their style, preference, values and priorities.
3) Life, family and work priorities clash fiercely.
Women are still performing the majority of domestic and child care responsibility in the home, even when there are two spouses working full-time. As such, and as long as women are bearing the children in our species, women will not view child rearing and child care in the same way as men do, and will prioritize the responsibilities around it differently. The best article I’ve read recently on this dilemma – as a woman, the challenges around how to be the caregiver you want to be while being the contributive professional you long to be – is Anne-Marie Slaughter’s piece in The Atlantic, Why Women Still Can’t Have It All. For me, every word resonated. Slaughter covered every key dimension represented of the challenges women face today in their quest to become business and political leaders while also balancing what they want to be as parents and care-givers, and what has to change in our work policies to allow these dual priorities to be met. If you’re outdated and closed-minded and believe that work-life balance or integration is a pipedream only for fools, then you’re contributing to the problem.
4) Extreme work demands can drum women out
The extreme demands of many 24/7 work corporate environments today represent an impasse to many women who wish to prioritize life outside of work more highly. I’ve written before and believe this wholeheartedly – women are not less ambitious than men. It is the COST of ambition – and the struggle women face in pursuing their professional ambitions — that is at the heart of why we have so few women leaders today, and why women are achieving less and not reaching as high as men in corporate America. As Betsy Myers, President Clinton’s senior adviser on women’s issues shared with me recently, women tend to view their work as only one piece of the pie that represents their total life experience. If they’re forced to focus 24/7 on work for a majority of their professional lives, most women will choose not to pay that price.
5) Marginalizing of women is more common than we want to admit
As much as we don’t want to admit it, women are still being diminished, sidelined, suppressed, and thought less of because of being women and because they are different from the leadership norm. Further, women are pushed aside regularly when they make their family priorities known or demand time off after having a child (and don’t kid yourself – this is a form discrimination to be sidelined for prioritizing time off for child bearing).
We can deny this all we want, but it is happening all across corporate America – women are still considered “less than” in terms of leadership capability in many organizations. This will change in 50 or 100 years, and is changing radically now in the entrepreneurial world (where I’m very excited to be supporting women’s leadership growth), but not fast enough in corporate America.
If your organization still has insufficient representation of women at senior levels, do what is necessary to bring about true change. Conduct primary research at your workplace to uncover what is not working for women in the organization, and follow it up by implementing new policies, procedures, and effective training, education, and programs for men and women. Measure the efficacy of these programs and initiatives, and communicate effectively and authoritatively the mandate that diversity and inclusion must become a way of life at your organization. Finally, support your successful and empowering female leaders today as true role models who “walk the talk” and can give other women a powerful visual model for success.
6) Personal accountability needs to be expanded
I’ve read scores of comments by women (top writers on leadership, for instance) that if we talk about how women are holding themselves back from leadership, we’re again blaming women for how they blew it, instead of understanding that it’s a faulty model they’re trying to overcome.
I disagree with this line of thinking. Yes, the model needs revision most certainly, but this is a complex problem with many contributing factors. Within this construct, individuals have the power to take accountability, step up to what has to be done, and have the courage to make change, both on the individual level, and the organizational level. Women are today (and can become) great leaders and inspire other women to follow in their footsteps. I see it every day.
It is not all about the environment or men not doing their part. There are plenty of strong male advocates and supporters of women, and great male leaders who know how to pave the way for the high growth and engagement of both women and men (for an inspiring example, check out Chairman and Senior Partner of PricewaterhouseCoopers Robert Moritz’s keynote speech at Bentley University’s Center for Women and Business Forum). For true change to occur, we need the support of men, and to walk in partnership with our best male leaders. But to bring about real and lasting change, women must also learn to understand better the terrain they’re operating in — the ecosystem they’re engaged in — and power up their skills and accountability in order to navigate it successfully. (No, I’m not saying “Be more like a man.”) I’m suggesting that women understand what’s needed to succeed, and embrace their authentic personal brand, build their confidence and self-worth, enhance their communication, leadership and decision-making skills, forge vital partnerships, and step up to their fullest potential to claim the leadership authority they want.
In the end, creating a pathway for more women in corporate leadership will require change on all levels — individual, organizational and global. But we must start with you and me, today. What one step can YOU take – either as a female committed to achieving more leadership authority, or as a female or male leader with the power and influence to bring about true change in your organization. What will YOU do?
I’d love your thoughts. Does your organization know WHY women are not serving in leadership as your business needs them to? And do you know what to do to bring yourself forward and lead as you long to?
This article originally posted on: Forbes
Kathy Caprino, M.A. is a nationally-recognized women’s leadership and career coach, executive trainer, writer and speaker dedicated to the advancement of women in business. Author of Breakdown, Breakthrough, and Founder of The Amazing Career Project, Kathy is Founder/President of Ellia Communications, Inc. — a leading career and executive coaching and training firm helping professional women build successful and rewarding careers and businesses of significance, and reach their highest potential. A former corporate marketing VP, trained marriage and family therapist, and seasoned coach, Kathy is a Forbes, Huffington Post and AARP contributor and top media source on women’s career and entrepreneurial issues and trends, and has appeared in over 100 leading newspapers and magazines and on national radio and television. For more information, visit www.elliacommunications.com or write to Kathy@elliacommunications.com. Connect with Kathy on: Twitter, FB, LinkedIn
FREE PDF
Guide to Women in Leadership
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
by Guest Author | Dec 26, 2024 | Coaching Advice, Leadership, Women in Leadership, Working Moms
Key Takeaways:
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Work life sanity starts by stepping off the 24/7 treadmill and asking better questions. Instead of trying to “have it all,” define what you want, what “enough” looks like, and which trade-offs align with a life that matters to you.
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Perfection is overrated—”good enough” can be a powerful path to peace. The quest for flawless execution often fuels burnout; letting go of perfection gives others space to grow and yourself permission to breathe.
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Our sense of self-worth can’t be tied to a midnight email reply. When we act from fear or the need for approval, work becomes compulsive. When we act from love or purpose, it becomes energizing.
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Priorities aren’t just lofty ideas—they’re your roadmap to sanity. Whether it’s health, family, financial freedom, or fun, get clear on what matters and use that as your filter to make daily choices.
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Real leadership means reclaiming your power to say “No,” ask for what you need, and be present where you are. The way we show up every day becomes our contribution to changing workplace norms.
Want to take the 24 out of 24/7? I was at lunch the other day with a friend who is a senior leader at her company. She was talking about how many junior women seriously consider opting out of high powered careers as they think about having families. This, despite all the work her company, a leader in work-life flexibility options, has done to improve the situation for working families. In fact, a McKinsey study reports that C-suite executives believe the top two barriers to the advancement of women are women’s “double-burden” (work and family responsibilities) and our 24/7 “always on” work environments.
The recent debate about “Why Women Still Can’t Have It All” has thrown fuel into the fire. The article is written by Ann-Marie Slaughter, a senior federal government executive who gave up her position to spend time with her family. On one side of the debate are those who feel we’ve made tremendous sacrifices to pave the way for others, and want them to believe that women can have it all. On the other side of the debate are those who want to acknowledge that there is still a lot of work to be done in society, our workplaces, cultural expectations that prevent women from having it all. They don’t want to set women up for disappointment and self-blame if they discover that they cannot have it all.
I’m not sure what the right answer is. But I do wonder if we’re asking the right questions. Asking the questions, even if I don’t have all the answers, creates a new perspective on the debate.
- What do I (emphasis being on I) want in my work and in my life?
- What is my definition of “having it all” and how is it different from “having enough”?
- What are the trade-offs I am willing to make that are right for me?
- What are my standards of success? Do they prevent me in attaining happiness and fulfillment?
We tend to blame society, our workplaces, our bosses for putting us on the 24/7 treadmill and preventing us from “having it all”. And yes, I am a strong proponent of the many changes still to be made in our work cultures that demand us being “on” 24/7. However, my challenge to myself and others is to look inside first and see what needs to be changed within ourselves. How can I claim my own power to make the choices that are right for me?
Here are seven leadership practices that help me and I wanted to share with you:
1) Take a step back and define success on your own terms
Often we are so focused on climbing the corporate stair master we forget why we are doing it in the first place. Take a moment to reflect. What does success look like defined by my own terms? How does this align with my happiness? Looking back when I am 80, what would a worthwhile life have looked like? Given life expectancies and good health, women can live up to 80 years+ and healthfully work into their 70’s if they choose to. Does this mean that I climb the corporate ladder to my peak position by the time I’m 40? Whose clock am I running to?
Let me share a personal story. In my career with Fortune 100 companies I was all about hustling for the next challenge. I had 13 assignments in 7 different cities over 3 continents in a 20 year corporate career. I was a country CEO for our division by the time I was 38, Region President by the time I was 40, running a business over a half billion dollars. It wasn’t until I was close to burnout at the age of 44 when I started to pay attention to what was important to me. I started to define my success in terms of what impact I wanted to make, what brought me joy in my work, what talents I wanted to express every day. Take time to answer these questions. Mindfulness and journaling are both great ways I get connected to my inner voice.
2) Set Your Priorities and Follow Them
The people I have observed that have the best work life sanity are very clear on their priorities and follow them. I have a simple tool that helps me prioritize (or else I am likely to chase the next bright, shiny object). It is a list of my five life priorities. I share these with you as food for thought and encourage you to develop your own: 1) Personal Health & Wellbeing (which includes personal & spiritual growth), 2) Connection with my daughter and parents, 3) Financial freedom, 4) Making an impact in the world through the work I do, 5) Fun/Friends/Carpe Diem. Yes, I know creating a goal to have fun seems a bit counter-intuitive but as a recovering workaholic, believe me I need it. I set goals each year in these areas and each week I monitor the progress against these goals. A bit compulsive you say? It works for me. Figure out what would work for you.
3) Get clear on biggest levers of success
When I was in marketing we used to remind ourselves of a wise saying “50% of our marketing spending is wasted. I just wish I knew which 50%”. The same is true of our time, energy and resources. If we want the corner office, do we know what the highest impact two or three levers are that will help us get there? Let’s not waste our energy on 80% of the activities that create 20% of the impact. Is the next promotion really contingent on answering every single e-mail and working 24/7? Start to step back and ask yourself, what assumptions am I making about what it takes to succeed? How do I know these to be true?
4) Reclaim Your Self-Worth
For many of us (I’m on the list too!) we associate our work with our worth as human beings. Unless we’re really productive we’re not feeling good enough about ourselves. So, while we’re happy to blame our boss for sending an e-mail at midnight, secretly we feel quite proud replying to it at 12:01am. I know this from personal experience. At one time I left a gathering of friends I had been with after three hours because I felt bad that I’d wasted all this time being unproductive. This was a Sunday morning by the way.
As we free ourselves from the notion that we must work constantly to be worth something then work becomes less compulsive. If the work we do comes from a place of love for the work, for expressing our creativity, rather than the fear of not succeeding or being worthy, it becomes more joyful and energizing. We may be well served to ask the question to ourselves periodically “Is this (insert specific work situation) coming from a place of love for the work or from trying to feel worthy?”
As a corollary to this, sometimes our self-worth comes from getting approval from others. Don’t worry, that’s normal too (or so I’ve convinced myself). I go in and check the number of visits to my blog. More visits and comments (hint, hint!) make me feel validated. It’s just important to be aware if you’re doing that so you don’t blame others for making you work 24/7. Awareness brings power because with awareness comes choice. Take a moment to reflect whether your work satisfaction is contingent on someone’s approval, versus love for the work you do or your own definition of success. You may continue to work yourself into the ground waiting on approval and not even know why.
5) Give up on perfection and start to embrace “good enough”
We often associate our self-worth with the work we do: “If all the work is not perfect then I must not be perfect (gasp!)”. Can anything less than perfect be good enough? Or, because we want everything to be perfect we’d rather do it ourselves than give someone else a chance to fail (and learn). So guess what? We work 24/7. As you embark on any task at work or home ask yourself what’s good enough. Ask yourself what are the costs of getting to perfect and whether you really want to bear them.
6) Ask for what you need and learn how to say “No”
We’re afraid to ask for help or resources because of how it will be perceived. If we ask for help it undermines our “Superwoman” persona. If we say “No” we may not be liked. Make a list of what you need and ask powerfully for it. Experiment with saying “No” in low-risk situations and see what happens. If you struggle with this you’re normal like the rest of us. Daily practice makes each of us a bit better at it.
7) Practice being present where you are
What sometimes makes our work productivity low and saps our energy is that we are thinking about how we could be the even more perfect PTA mom (and generally feeling guilty) when we’re at work. When we’re at home, we’re distracted from truly being with family because we’re thinking about the work presentation that’s due tomorrow.
Getting to work life sanity requires us to claim our personal power and authenticity – our power to make choices about what’s important to each of us, our power to become aware of all the reasons why we work, to be discerning and get clear about where we want to spend our time, our power to express ourselves to say “No” gracefully and to ask for what we need, our power to make the choice daily to return to our core. As we exercise these muscles, not only do they give us the opportunity to simplify the demands of life, they also give us the courage to be part of the change in workplace culture that is required. The daily actions we choose as leaders give us the power to change our workplace norms.
In the book “The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”, a hospice nurse chronicled the five biggest regrets of people whose perspective on life sharpened as they got closer to losing it: 1) I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me, 2) I wish I hadn’t worked so hard, 3) I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings, 4) I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends 5) I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Important lessons about living from those that are dying. These are my wishes for all of us.
I welcome your comments and feedback. Do you recognize yourself in any of the scenarios above? What work life practices do you have to share with others about how you claim your work life sanity?
Worklife Reset for an Energized, Authentic Personal Brand
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Feeling like you need to hit the reset button on your job, career or business?
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by Guest Author | Dec 24, 2024 | Commentary, InPower Women Blog
Key Takeaways:
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High-Achieving Women Reject Perfectionism: They focus on doing their best rather than striving for unattainable perfection, which helps reduce stress and increase productivity.
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They Recognize Their Limits: Understanding that they can’t do it all alone, they seek support and delegate tasks to maintain balance and well-being.
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They Set Healthy Boundaries: By learning to say “no” when necessary, they protect their time and energy, ensuring they can focus on their priorities.
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They Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities: Viewing failures as chances to grow, they maintain resilience and continue progressing toward their goals.
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They Redefine Success on Their Own Terms: Rather than adhering to societal expectations, they define what success means for them personally, aligning their actions with their values.
People carry with them a set of rules or beliefs about the way they feel the world should operate. These beliefs are shaped by your experiences, the way you were raised, your values, your friends, popular culture, and more. For many successful women, their deeply held beliefs about how they should live and work produce faulty assumptions or “crooked thinking” that underlie stress patterns. Dr. Harriet Braiker identified a number of faulty assumptions found in high-achieving women, and I’ve added strategies for breaking the stress cycle each creates. Here are seven of the most common:
- I have to be perfect and do things perfectly. This faulty assumption can be blamed for procrastination, lack of wanting to hear feedback from others for fear of being criticized, and the tendency to judge yourself and others by very rigid standards.
- Stress less: Instead of aiming for perfection, which is unattainable, do as well as you possibly can and call it a day. Focus on achievement rather than perfection.
- I should be able to manage it all and accomplish it all without feeling stressed or tired. This belief usually shows up when women examine their stress response – “I thought I’d be able to handle more;” or, “I feel so tired at the end of the day.” This faulty assumption leads many women to think that they are the sole cause of their stress.
- Stress less: Pay attention to physical warning signs – digestive issues, headaches, muscle spasms, skin issues, and more. In addition, monitor your energy levels during the day. Take breaks when you need to. Eat regularly. Get some fresh air. Ask for help!
- I have to prove myself to everyone. At work, women may question whether they are valued and accepted members of the team and as a result, load up their already busy schedules with extra projects. At home, a woman might think she has to cook homemade meals, keep a spotless house, and be the world’s best romantic partner. As Dr. Braiker suggests, “The debilitating nature of holding this expectation lies in the lack of criteria for defining proof. If you always have to prove your value each time a new demand or opportunity arises, then, in fact, you have not proven your value at all” (Braiker, 2006, p. 169).
- Stress less. At work, schedule regular meetings with your boss to ensure you’re meeting career objectives. At home, talk to your spouse or significant other about expectations for each other. You may learn that your significant other appreciates a home cooked meal once in awhile, but is perfectly happy to order take out several nights.
- I can’t relax until I finish what I have to do. I heard this one from my mom over Christmas as she was rushing around the kitchen and several of us were waiting for her to play cards. Many high-achievers feel that relaxation is a luxury that might happen someday; instead, it is a fundamental requirement for good health.
- Stress less: Find a way to relax each day that connects with who you are. I love sports, so I run and do physical activities. Some people garden. Others listen to music or cook. You can’t be your fabulous, high-achieving self if your tank is always empty.
- I should be able to accomplish more in a day. Busy women often have to-do lists that are so long they will never realistically be able to be completed; and, because of your high-achieving nature, you continually add new tasks.
- Stress less: Focus on quality rather than quantity. Did you finish several larger, more worthwhile tasks vs. twenty smaller ones? Also, keep track of what you actually accomplish instead of what you think you should have accomplished. When the focus shifts, many women are surprised by all they have completed.
- I have to be a people pleaser. How many of you were told when you were growing up that “nice girls help others” or some variation of that phrase? Of course it’s wonderful to help others, but to do so while putting your own needs aside sets you up for unhealthy stress.
- Stress less: Set limits and boundaries around your time and your schedule. Practice the art of saying “no.”
- I can handle it all on my own. Each year, my mom’s side meets for a family reunion. There are generally twenty to twenty-five of us all gathered together under one roof as one family plays host. When my turn to host arrived, I refused to ask for help, wanting everyone to relax. I did all the menu planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and cleaning for twenty-two people for two days. I didn’t enjoy myself, was tired the entire weekend, and was constantly doing something other than having fun with my family. I learned my lesson. The next time I hosted, I put each family in charge of a meal and asked them to bring their own pillows and blankets to cut down on laundry. And what a shock – I actually enjoyed myself and was less of a bundle of stress for my husband and family.
- Stress less. Build a network of people in your life who you can count on for help – and ask them to help. This network can include neighbors, family members, friends, and/or co-workers. Having this team ready when you need it will save you tons of stress and a few blood pressure points.
It’s important to identify which of these flawed assumptions are present in your life. The “stress less” strategies above will help, but only if you really understand the belief system in place causing the crooked thinking. The next time you are stressed, identify and write down the beliefs or thoughts you have about the event and the emotions produced. As you become more aware of your crooked thinking patterns, you can break the cycle and prevent your body from shifting into stress mode.
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References
Braiker, H. (2006). The type E* woman: How to overcome the stress of being *everything to everybody. Lincoln, NE: iUniverse, Inc.
McClellan, S., & Hamilton, B. (2010). So stressed. New York: Free Press.
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Guide to Women in Leadership
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
