Sometimes when we begin to refine our understanding of power and consciously work to bring more of our own power to the fore in our lives, it creates discomfort with – or for – those close to us, including colleagues, employees, friends and even spouses and children. If others have become used to you giving your power away, when you take it back this can surprise them, and sometimes even threaten them. This can be true when you are granted external power as well, and those around you are not used to the new level of responsibility you now shoulder. As I launch into the Take Back Your Power series of blog posts, I think it’s important to acknowledge this dynamic and prepare for how to handle these situations.
First, it’s important to get comfortable with the idea that you deserve to be powerful, and you especially deserve to own your own personal power. A key characteristic of internal power is that it is an unlimited supply. When you take your own power back, you are not taking it away from others, however you may be demanding that others rely more on their own internal power than they did before.
Power and sacrifice
Many of us – especially men and women who want to change the world – struggle with high expectations that make us starve ourselves in order to feed others. We become habitual “second-seaters” and feel guilty spending resources of any kind – money, time, attention, love, energy, thought – on ourselves. But when we deny ourselves our own internal power, we are not helping those around us to find theirs.
“Put your own oxygen mask on before you help others.”
Despite the tinny airline voice you hear in your head when you read those words, let them resonate deeply in you for a moment. Breath is the very substance of life. In an airline emergency, the experts who’ve studied survival patterns in life and death situations have realized that more people die if the most capable people in an emergency try to save everyone else before they protect themselves. They know that in crisis, the person who has the presence of mind to care for themselves can help save many more people if they ensure their own ability to breathe first. Such leaders may choose to sacrifice themselves, but if their first instinct is sacrifice, they die too early to help the most people. The lesson to me in this phrase is that if you’re in the habit of making sure you can breathe – deeply, fully and powerfully – then you help many more people and at such time you sacrifice something you care about, you do it – not out of habit – but with the intention of a good outcome.
InPower is an unlimited supply
Although some people around you may not want you to believe it, you’re not hurting anyone by understanding and taking back your own power. If – in the past – you’ve given them permission to think that by giving up your powerthey can be more powerful, then realize it’s time to renegotiate your emotional agreement with them. Looking at your unconscious emotional agreements with them and consciously renegotiating them is a definite InPower skill. Use these uncomfortable relationship situations to develop even more of your personal power.
When you claim your power in ways that help others around you, many people may be surprised at first, but when they realize it’s not a competition or a tug-of-war, most of them will relax and many will look for ways to help you more in the future. By modelling personal power for them, you provide them the opportunity to step into more of it themselves.
The most powerful people surround themselves with others InPower. And together they can accomplish anything.
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We all flirt with burn-out for a million reasons. Here are five strategies from Laurie to help us put out the flames before they consume us and making a difference at work. How many of these things are you doing already? What more can you do to invest in your sanity and impact? – InPower Editors
You spend most of your waking hours at work. So why not make a difference while you’re there? – Click To Tweet
If you’re like over half the U.S. population, you don’t like or are certainly not engaged in your work. It saddens me that so many people dislike their jobs.
Part of living a life of ignited well-being is living with purpose, making a difference and enjoying your work. That can look a lot of different ways from starting your business, to volunteering to leading teams. In this article, we will explore 5 ways you can make a greater difference at work, get promoted, have a bigger voice and end your day feeling fulfilled.
1. Work Smarter, Not Harder
There is a myth that you have to work long hours to make a difference. From Bill Gates to Steve Jobs to any other guru entrepreneur, there is an expectation that you have burn the candle at both ends to be successful and change the world.
Long hours are sure to burn anyone out, even you do like your job. Instead of believing that you must work more than the boss, you’re more likely to impress and have a greater impact at work if you work smarter.
Working on the right things is the real key to making a difference in your job according to career coach and author of Six-Figure Start, Caroline Cenzina-Levine in the Fast Company article “How To Get Promoted Without Working Long Hours.” Yes, it’s important to stay connected to your network, but do you need to spend so much time on social media. Even Linked In can be a drain on your time.
Part of working smarter is to work with more focus. The father of Emotional Intelligence, Daniel Goleman, is out with a new book – Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence- that promises to change your work place, challenge your well-being and help you have a greater impact if you can master it. Focus is catching on as a productivity and contribution driver with many entrepreneurs and human performance experts. It’s an obvious backlash to a 24/7 always-connected life.
In our interconnected world, staying focused can be challenging. There is so much chatter to sift through, most of which is in your own head. You know the chatter, the one that is telling you right now to check your email. Techniques for staying focused include meditation, breathing exercises, and developing compassion. Ultimately staying focused is an inside job requiring you to energize your mind.
3. Get An Executive Sponsor
If you’re working for an organization and want to get ahead to make a bigger difference, you need to get noticed. Sure you could wear a lamp shade on your head at the office holiday party, but that will only get you looked over if you’re lucky not to get fired.
To make a difference, you have to be able to lead. And to lead not only do you have to have leadership skills but you have to get to catch the attention of someone above you who can champion your value as a leader. In this video, leadership coach Dana Theus outlines the 7 strategies to getting an executive sponsor to you can make a bigger impact.
4. Love What You Do
Employee engagement numbers are sadly low. In a recent New York Time’s opinion piece by Tony Schwartz and Christine Porath entitled “Why We Hate Work” the authors explore why people are so miserable at work.
The authors lay most of the blame on the workplace and technology. While this might be fair, it makes workers a victim to their employer. Yuck.
The reality is you have a choice. Choose to love your job. Make that choice every day. Take regular breaks to walk, play or create and refresh your mind. Get connected with your big why and the big why of the company.
Choose to love your job.
5. Feel Like A Million Bucks
If you’re dragging yourself into the office everyday, it’s going to be hard to have an impact on the world. When you’re working on how to make a difference at work you need energy, stamina and vitality. In short, you must feel like a million bucks to make a difference.
In this interview, I share my secrets for feeling like a million bucks so you can accomplish whatever you want.
This is only a partial list of tips for making a difference and changing the world.
Updated: Originally posted September 2014
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Patricia Koopersmith is the very definition of a doer and a go-getter, and a glass ceiling breaker, but to her surprise this career strength turned out to be one of her biggest hurdles as she transitioned into the executive ranks as Chief Operating Officer at The Clearing, Inc., a strategic management consultancy in Washington D.C.
Even before she was promoted to COO in 2011, Patricia circulated in rarified air. Her clients include senior leaders at the U.S. Department of Defense, Department of State, the Intelligence Community, the Department of Homeland Security and other big agencies. I have seen Patricia hug some of these people, because quite often her clients become her friends. She is a powerful personality, focused, extremely competent and at the same time refreshing and very quick to laugh. Her most recent career journey, from Practice Area Director in a much larger firm to COO in a small, fast-growing consultancy is a perfect career coaching case study for anyone – especially women – seeking to bypass the glass ceiling, move from management to leadership and achieve work-life balance.
How Aligning Your Title, Your Aspirations And Your Work Creates Power
Patricia was employee number two at The Clearing, Inc. in 2009. “When I came to The Clearing, I didn’t care about my title; I cared about creating a different kind of company. I cared about creating a place where I loved to go each and every morning. I cared about creating value in the market, making a difference and making it profitable. I cared about transforming the way people in Washington – and the world – think and solve problems.”
The Clearing is indeed a different kind of consulting firm, dedicated to solving the most complex problems for some of the largest and most important organizations in the world. The startup team had a daunting task, which was to build a best-in-class company from the ground up to compete with household names like Accenture and Booz Allen Hamilton. They’d all done it before and knew the game, but it still took a lot of work to close deals, get their contracting schedule approved, hire top-notch people and get them functioning in precision client delivery teams. As Patricia and her colleagues dug in, the CEO asked her what she wanted her title to be and she said, “Whatever makes sense for the company, it doesn’t matter to me,” and then she dove into building the business. In retrospect, she realizes now, this was a mistake.
“In a start up environment hierarchy wasn’t something I wanted to make a big deal about; it was all hands on deck in those early months,” Patricia recalls. “But what I learned later is that title has an impact on credibility as I explore opportunities with business partners, interview candidates, and interact with clients.”
Lessons In Shifting Your Perspective From Management To Leadership
Patricia credited one other ah-ha with helping her break through the glass ceiling and land the COO promotion, and authority to accomplish what she came to The Clearing to achieve. To succeed as an executive, she realized that she had to change how she values and prioritizes many of the capabilities that made her such a successful Manager, Director and Principal. “You can’t get here from there,” she said, echoing others who are helping groom promising talent to move beyond the glass ceiling. “Being a good COO isn’t just about getting things done, it means looking at the business from a different point of view, creating processes and policies to scale it. It’s about creating a culture.”
Here are some of Patricia’s realizations that she attributes to helping her step from management into leadership.
Move From Doer to Force Multiplier. As a manager and consultant, Patricia prided herself on getting things done; her colleagues recall her relentless focus on product quality on time and on budget. As an executive, she had to learn to provide outcomes and parameters and inspire her staff to come up with their own path to achieve the outcomes. “You need to quickly make that mindset shift from doer to force multiplier. Everything needs to scale.”
Turn Every Problem Into a Possibility. By being open to new information, assuming there’s an answer even if you can’t see it yet, and looking beyond the facts at hand and in between the words that people are saying, Patricia now develops more creative approaches to the challenges of building a business. “I used to be pretty black and white,” she said. “Now I appreciate the grey areas more. I’ve learned to ask ‘why not’ instead of always asking ‘why’.”
See The Big Picture. Don’t be shy. Network internally and externally and ask others what they would do in your situation. Patricia has noticed that her executive responsibilities require her to spend more of her time thinking and gathering the information she needs to make good decisions instead of pressing her nose to the grindstone to chase down every detail. “Our leadership team routinely draws from others at all levels in our organization. We recently re-scoped our client facing roles and the information we gathered from internal discussions, interviews and partner lunches drove the lion’s share of our thinking. Getting perspective from contacts outside your walls is essential too. Reinventing the wheel isn’t a luxury fast-growth companies can afford.” She also invests more energy learning about the strategic trends that affect her government clients and she networks more to gain a broader perspective. “Give yourself a gift and learn something new from every conversation,” she advises. “At the end of a full week of meetings, just imagine how much more you’ll know.”
You Can Have It All – Breaking the Glass Ceiling
Patricia has two young boys and a husband with a demanding job of his own. Her life is very full and yet she’s achieved work-life balance. “I used to feel guilty when I was traveling, working late, or not with my family,” she said. “And when I was at home I felt anxious that I wasn’t working.”
Patricia decided that doing a good job and being a good parent and wife and happy person all mattered so she switched up how she thinks about success. She works hard all day (and some nights) – but she and her husband reserve their evenings and weekends for family – playing games with her sons, putting Legos together, and reading bedtime stories to the boys. “I turn my phone off now until the kids go to bed. I play full-out at work and full-out at home.”
“I’ve learned that the key to ‘having it all’ is being present where you are. I don’t need to feel guilty now because now everybody gets the best of me.”
Take charge of your career development to get the job that supports your work and your life. Check out the tools and resources in the InPower Coaching Career Center.
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With the number of devices, apps and websites we use to communicate with each other—in life and in the office—it seems easier than ever to screw up even the most innocuous message. This tech-infused reality seems to go hand-in-hand with complaints about the tech savvy, particularly the millennial generation, and their propensity to use text, email or status messages to short cut difficult conversations. After all, it’s uncomfortable to squirm for an hour over coffee in order to break up with someone—or fire them—in person, whereas the discomfort can be limited to the few seconds before you press ”send” on the critically uncomfortable words themselves. On it’s face, this seems to make Marshall McLuhan’s point that “the medium is the message,” and that our decision to use low bandwidth media for sensitive topics sends a message all it’s own.
Is it wrong to fire someone via email? Yes! Is it awful to break up with someone over chat? Yes! (though if they fell in love online maybe it’s more appropriate to break up on line too…) Does this mean that our Emotional Intelligence (EQ) as a society is plummeting to new lows? I don’t think so.
“If your meaning is clear it will get through on any channel” – Click to Tweet
The Medium Is Not The Message
Marshall McLuhan was brilliant to recognize, in the wild west days of electronic media channels (1964) that the channel you used to send a message, particularly one with emotionally relevant content, mattered. When broadcast TV began to reach mass audiences, it had an impact that was unprecedented. Suddenly, millions of people could experience human communications simultaneously. TV could play “tricks,” visually and with a story, that had never been possible on the stage.
McLuhan was right to note that medium and message had a new relationship, but I feel he went too far in saying that the tools we use to communicate usurp the power of meaning itself. Of course, sitting in my 1980’s communications college class, I wasn’t brave enough to say this directly to my professor, but I believed it even then. Now, after a few more decades of experience with meaning, messages and communications channels (being a former marketer, executive coach, online products purveyor, writer and speaker) I can say it with authority: the medium is not the message. In my experience, when your meaning is clear you can get it through any channel, no matter how low the bandwidth.
Emotional Intelligence Uses All Channels
While it’s easy to say that having more devices and channels is making us worse communicators as a species, I think that’s too easy. Humans are humans, over any channel. Giving more people the opportunity to be heard by more people simply makes it more obvious that many of us are poor communicators and always have been. The plethora of channels simply makes this obvious. The solution isn’t fewer channels, it’s more skill.
I know this because as a practitioner and an observer, I see that people with high EQ are very effective at understanding what they want to say, understanding what others are saying and choosing the best communication channel available to facilitate a meaningful communication. Many millennials have these skills, too, precisely because they have had so many channels available to them from the time they could talk and type. (Not all of them are skilled, of course, but then not all of any group are good at everything. An anecdote does not a trend make.)
What does this look like?
A person lacking in EQ might inappropriately choose to escalate an email war by firing off an angry reply while keeping everyone on the cc list, whereas an emotionally intelligent person would initiate a potential de-escalation by picking up the phone, or texting the other party with an invitation for coffee.
A person with high EQ might deliberately use an intranet social status message to publicly thank a challenging employee who values recognition whereas a manager who struggles with emotional intelligence might not think to express gratitude to them—over any channel–in the first place.
In short, blaming technology for making you, millennials, or anyone else a poor communicator is the lazy person’s response to an opportunity we all have to step up our EQ game.
Mastering The Medium And The Message
What does it mean to step up your EQ game? If “the medium is the message” isn’t quite it, what is the right relationship between these things? Well, using emotional intelligence to help you choose your communications channel intentionally means taking responsibility for your meaning, no matter what channel you use to express it. It’s amazing to me how many people don’t have a precise understanding of what they mean to convey, in conversations, presentations, negotiations and—sadly—many Facebook messages and blog posts. They have a fuzzy idea that comes into focus as they start blabbing it out. I know this is a habit because I fall prey to it sometimes too. Expression does help us sharpen our meaning, but we don’t have to expose other people to our expression until we’ve honed it more privately first (lesson learned!)
The good news is that the short form status messages and maddeningly tiny keyboards are giving those of us who care opportunities to practice refining our meaning to fit in tiny spaces. The bad news is that these same technical limitations on otherwise high bandwidth channels provide those of us who don’t care an excuse to be terrible communicators more loudly and more annoyingly.
As with all tools, new tech can be used for good or evil. Use it to help you become a better communicator and you won’t need to worry about when to use text, email, face-to-face, phone or anything else. You’ll just know.
My son is applying* to a military academy and as you might imagine, our household has been full of discussions about military issues and approaches to things of late. In working with clients recently, I realized that one of the military’s greatest leadership principles I was opining on with my son is rarely leveraged in the commercial world. This is the concept of Commander’s Intent.
What is Commander’s Intent?
In brief, as it was explained to me by an Air Force Colonel years ago, Commander’s Intent is a statement of the desired end state that is so clear that it gives the forces guidance if they encounter aberrations to plan, and must apply “spectrums of improvisation,” when they’re out in the field. For example, if the Commander’s Intent is to “take the hill” then, when the troops following the plan to approach from the South encounter unexpected resistance, they can adjust their tactics as necessary to “take the hill” from the West because they are clear on the fact that success means “the hill has been taken.”
Commander’s Intent is a leadership principle that can be interpreted many ways. It functions very specifically to guide unstructured collaboration and innovation in the context of the hierarchical and authoritarian structures of the military. But what about our more collaborative/less authoritarian commercial environments that business leaders find ourselves in? Is Commander’s Intent useful in the business world?
Intent as an Innovation Tool
There’s a kernel of deep wisdom in this idea that can help you become a transformational leader, inspiring others to innovation and creativity. I call it Ends vs. Means Goal-Setting and it’s the ability to guide a group into committing to a shared intention, an answer to the question “what does success look like?” which is simply stated but rich with meaning. When a co-created intention is so clear that it focuses everyone’s actions towards a common definition of success, it has the power to align self-directed actions without the need for micromanagement or over-analysis.
In this sense, I’ve seen it operate like a “strategic plan in a box”. Instead of creating a strategic planning binder and putting it on a shelf in the VP’s office for her to administer, a one-page intention with some corollary communications support goes out to the whole staff and before you know it, if the leadership stays laser-focused on it, as an executive team and individually, the whole organization is soon humming along “on plan” and focused on the same end-goal. This simple one-page intention can work as successfully for a team as it does for a company.
The Key Difference Between Effective Civilian and Military “Intent”
While the idea of a simple success intention works well in commercial and non-commercial environments, there is one very clear distinction that must be observed for this powerful concept to translate into the civilian sector: co-creation and inclusion.
Civilians don’t take orders very well. But invite them into creating the orders and their motivation will become inspiring. Click to Tweet
The military has an intentionally authoritarian leadership structure. The bosses get together and figure out the plan and then they order people to execute it. Those people are given some discretion in how they achieve their ends, but they’re also given very tight guard rails and limitations. In a more collaborative business or non-profit environment, the idea of “orders to execute” is not very useful, so how can simple and powerful guidance like Commander’s Intent be helpful?
The secret to using this powerful tool in civilian organizations is to invite the people who have to execute the intent into its creation. By including them, genuinely co-creating a vision of success with the people who will be responsible for making it happen, your team will find large amounts of motivation and focus.
To be a strong leader you don’t have to run a democracy. What people want is inclusion and respect. Click to Tweet
Some team leaders will struggle with this idea, either because they want to be the hero who is credited with the brilliant idea or because they don’t know how to engage their team members appropriately (or both!). One manager once said to me, “but we can’t just do whatever they want to do!” And he would be right. However, an effective team lead will do the following three things, guided by the Strategic Planning in a Box framework:
educate the team about the relevant “bigger issues” so they have a similar context within which to view the challenges and desired outcomes;
keep the team focused on describing a successful outcome instead of determining how to get there (that part comes later); and
don’t put it up for a vote but take the “draft” of the intention statement back for final decision by the senior leaders.
This is where too many leaders get confused about how to engage their team in intention-setting and planning. As a leader you don’t have to run a democracy. While democratic principles can be useful, what people really want, and deserve, is inclusion and respect. As long as the final outcome that is presented back to the team represents and incorporates their contribution, it doesn’t have to be exactly the same as what they came up with. Having engaged them deeply in understanding the problems and envisioning possible success, your final intention should be easier to explain–and for them to understand.
*Editorial Note: When I wrote the first version of this post, my son was planning a military career. As of this update, he is on active duty and I couldn’t be prouder of him!
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Effective listening skills are some of the most important aspects of communication. Sadly, it’s an aspect that we spend little time learning. I gave a presentation this past summer about how to be an effective virtual team member. The first issue I identified for success was effective listening; the second issue was to stop multi-tasking. Multi-tasking can challenge listening (I’ll get to that in a bit).
Here’s one of my favorite slides from that presentation. It’s based on a visualization that I saw Julian Treasure present elsewhere.
The term “managing up” sometimes gets a bad rap. It can seem self-serving and manipulative. At Living Vicky we help young women new to the workforce overcome negative stereotypes. For entry-level young professionals we recommend taking a proactive and genuine approach to interacting with the leaders that hold your work schedule, annual review, salary increase, and career paths in their hands.
It doesn’t matter how much you love the work you do, if you don’t have a good relationship with your boss, emotions will begin to range from constant annoyance to dread. You may begin to disengage, or even become outwardly resentful. None of these feelings will build your professional reputation, and may do it harm.
As in all relationships, YOU are half of the equation. So let’s make sure you’re making a good show of your 50%.
What do you want out of a working relationship with your boss?
Create two columns on a sheet of paper.
Label the first column “Mutual” and the second “Me”
In the first column, write down between 6-8 words or phrases that focus on positive aspects
Your “Mutual” list should not contain negative phrases. Try to focus on reasonable things you’d like in the relationship, as opposed to sentences that contain words like: “don’t”, “stop”, and “I hate it when”. These aren’t going to be useful to you in this exercise – or frankly, in life.
Now, let’s go on.
Next to each item you’ve written in the first column, and under the “Me” column, list what you will do to hold up your end of the relationship
This part is going to be hard – self-reflection and accountability usually are. But once you get in the habit of being honest with yourself, it soon becomes second nature. No one likes to admit that we may be the reason for a challenging relationship. However, things like being late, making excuses, poor work quality, being unapproachable, etc., are certainly factors.
Just to be clear, we’re not saying you are the entire issue – there are plenty of “bad bosses” out there. This exercise is meant to make sure you’re doing everything in your power to own and improve your side of the relationship. This will change the way they, and everyone else, sees you.
Here are a few more ways to ensure you are an active participant in this work equation:
Do you do just enough work to get by…or are you being proactive about offering your help to others?
Maintaining a “can do” attitude no matter what is going on. Being great at your job is important, but your attitude is what they remember. – Click To Tweet
Building relationships built on trust means no gossip, and defending a boss by highlighting the characteristics you do appreciate
How well do you accept constructive criticism?
Can you walk in your leader’s shoes and understand what may be causing behaviors that may negatively impact you?
You won’t see results in just 2 days, or 2 weeks –you’re going to have to practice these Managing Up exercises for much longer to see lasting effects. But it’s worth it. In three months, pull this list back out and see how you’re doing in both columns!
Maria is known for “Creating a Culture of Reflective Leadership,” and specializes in intercultural, diversity and inclusion skills. She facilitates learning programs on a variety of leadership issues, including managing up, communication, emotional intelligence, and team building.
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As we approach summer, I’m reminded of the family road trip. The kind with screaming kids, barking dogs and parents hoping they don’t harm one of those screaming kids. The family road trip seems an apt analogy to end this month’s theme of preserving your mental health with emotional detriggering.
When our emotional triggers drive our behavior it can feel like we’ve handed the wheel to our wayward, angst-prone teenager. We find ourself in a chaotic swirl of stress, anxiety, anger, worry, and frustration. It feels like we’re holding on for dear life while we undermine our leadership and relationships.
Do you ever wonder what or who is driving your emotions? – Click To Tweet
The answer, it turns out, unlocks the door to personal freedom, productivity and success.
Years ago, after an emotion-driven and ineffective attempt at leading a team, I committed to fixing my mistakes. I was ashamed of my leadership and no longer wanted to experience frustration or micromanage.
I thus became a student of human potential, neuroscience, leadership and psychology. I studied human behavior. What I saw is that everything we humans do, we do because it serves us. Whether it’s working long hours, skipping lunch or snapping at our team lead, we get a payoff.
Why do we do this even when it doesn’t work?
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio
We Do It To Survive.
Or at least that’s what the walnut sized part of our brain called the amygdala tells us. This amygdala drives our survival instinct. Yet survival needs have changed over the millennium. With no saber tooth tigers to gobble us up, the amgydala’s job has shifted from physical to emotional survival.
Our amygdala catalogs our feelings about past events to determine what will be dangerous today and in the future. The results are volumes of stories we have collected and compiled into a belief system. These stories drive our thoughts, bypass logic and yield our “instinctive,” belief-driven emotional reactions to events, creating emotional triggers to help “protect” us. I call this automatic process the hamster wheel and these stories, which fall into one of four chapters, the Four Horseman Of The Hamster Wheel.
Like the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, the Horsemen of the Hamster Wheel are harbingers of destruction and the product of our fears. They inhibit peace, prosperity, leadership, love, affection, connection and success. They’re the spark that ignites our stress in the name of survival.
We all have these Four Horsemen in the family van of our brain. Yet we each have a favorite Horsemen; the one our amygdala most often puts in our emotional driver’s seat. As you read about each Horseman, be on the look out for your primary driver.
The Four Horsemen of the Hamster Wheel are Hey Good Lookin’, Mr./Mrs. Right, Control Freak, Comfort Zone. Let’s look at each in turn.
“Hey Good Lookin,”
We are hard-wired to want to be liked. In primitive times, not being liked meant being cast out of the tribe and a likely saber tooth death. Community or companionship equals survival in the “Hey Good Lookin” story.
While we won’t die if we botch the presentation, “Hey Good Lookin” leads us to believe we will. When “Hey Good Lookin” is driving, we will go great lengths to fit in and look good.
We see the “Hey Good Lookin” conversation when we work late to impress our boss. Or when we say yes to a project we don’t have time for. Leaving “Hey Good Lookin” in the driver’s seat too long leads to burnout. It also undermines our trustworthiness and judgment.
“Mr./Mrs. Right”
In primitive times, being wrong could lead to death. In the modern world, unless we’re a pilot or lion keeper, this is rarely true. Yet we haven’t lost our survival instinct to be right. Today we equate being right with money, rewards, and success. We must be right. Welcome to the “Mr./Mrs. Right” conversation.
“Mr./Mrs. Right” is the most pervasive of the Four Horseman. It can also be the single most powerful barrier to success. It creates unnecessary arguments. “Mr./Mrs. Right” can make others perceive us as difficult to work with. It can create blind spots in our judgment. It can prevent us from learning from our mistakes.
We also use “Mr./Mrs. Right” to turbo charge the other Horsemen. Let’s say I have a “Hey Good Lookin” conversation that says staying late will impress my boss and get me promoted. Eventually I get tired of working late nights and head home at 5 p.m. A few months later, I’m passed over for a promotion. “Mr./Mrs. Right” takes over the wheel with an emphatic “see I told you so, I’m right.” And now I’m back to working 60-hours a week because I must be right about my “Hey Good Lookin” conversation.
The “Control Freak”
Human beings want to control our environment, others and ourselves. We want to control stoplights, the weather, bosses, baristas, children, politicians, plumbing, the price of gas and our feelings. We are “Control Freaks.”
The irony is we control little in our lives. Despite this reality, we strive for control only about every minute or so of our lives. When we aren’t in control we can get angry, sad, frustrated, overwhelmed and even depressed. The Control Freak keeps us from delegating, growing our people and leading.
Marissa Mayer, Yahoo’s CEO tells a story of a burnt out employee at Google. The woman was burnt out, as Marissa describes it, because she resented her job’s interference with seeing her child’s soccer game. But why did she react with resentment? I suspect the soccer mom felt resentful because she believed she didn’t have control over her schedule. Instead of speaking up, she stuffed down her feelings until they transformed into resentment.
The “Comfort Zone”
Beyond ensuring our physical safety, we’re concerned with avoiding emotional harm. We don’t risk vulnerability for fear of rejection or guilt. We don’t risk action for fear of failure and shame. It’s safer to stay in our “Comfort Zone.”
The chief trigger to the “Comfort Zone” conversation is change. Whether its a new job or relationship, change pushes us outside our comfort zone. It’s there where we risk unfathomable pain, hurt, and disappointment. The “Comfort Zone” says stay where you are and do the same thing in the same way. This conversation keeps us stagnate, inhibits innovation and promotes disengagement through boredom.
While I easily slipped into all these conversations, “Control Freak” was my primary driver. In my third attempt at leading a team of people, I’ve learned to evict the “Control Freak” and his companions from my car. Based on my team’s results and two 360 evaluations in the last 18 months, I think I’ve done a good job. But I couldn’t have done it without first being aware of the Horsemen.
So which Horseman is your go-to?
Updated: Originally posted May 2016
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When I was a kid I loved action movies and magic. I sprained my ankle jumping off a roof as a member of the Three Musketeers (not sure which one since we all thought we were D’Artagnan.) I read comic books and even wrote a fantastical story of star voyagers to mars. I had an imagination run wild.
Then Star Wars came out and redefined my concept of magic and awesomeness. Of course as a kid in a movie theatre I didn’t understand how intentionally George Lucas was using universal archetypes and mythical patterns of human development to manipulate my child-like sense of wonder. I just fell in love with the idea that people could have this inner power to see the unseen and influence the world around them. I wanted some Jedi power for myself, and Star Wars made me believe I could have it. Sitting in that dark theatre I felt a genuine connection to a force related to my humanity. “May the Force be with you,” had immediate resonance and meaning to me.
I’ve spent my entire life since then looking for this inner power and with InPower Coaching I’ve not only found it, I’ve learned that I can teach it to others.
The reason media superheroes are so popular is because we all yearn to unlock our secret inner talents, the ones we instinctively know we have by virtue of being human. If we’re fighting 16 foot tall monsters, then swords and lasers come in handy, but for most of us navigating the trials and tribulations of a day at the office a lightsaber seems like overkill. But Jedi powers? The ability to steer someone’s thinking or read their true intent? Now that would come in handy!
Metaphors: May The Force Be With You
When we think of super powers as physical things, they seem out of our reach. After all, even when we go to the gym every day we can’t toss cars around with ease (and that’s probably a good thing). So it’s easy to write them off as fantastical. But when we view super powers as metaphors, visualizations of what is otherwise hard to see with our eyes, then we can begin to understand what power we carry within us and view it as real power, real force.
Let me give you an example of the most fundamental InPower skill and its cinematic metaphors to help you understand your own super power potential. (If these scenes don’t sound familiar, go watch just about any action/adventure movie, and certainly any Star Wars movie for a refresher course.)
You know how in just about every climactic fight scene the hero/heroine gets goaded by the bad guy into fighting with anger? And it’s at that moment that our hero/heroine starts to lose the fight. Of course, we in the audience know better and start yelling at the screen, “NO! Don’t succumb to the dark side!”
Then, just about at the moment that the hero/heroine is about to metaphorically die, they remember their teachings. They become centered and focused on their own inner sense of self. They become calm, let go of their anger and handily dispatch the bad guy to not only win the fight but save all of creation.
Don’t you wish you had this super power when the bully at the office (or the relative you dread running into at the reunion) finds you?
Yes, the evil bad guy trying to get under your skin is just a fantastical visualization of your bully boss goading you into losing your center. When you succumb to the anger or anxiety they plant in you—lashing out at coworkers, working yourself into the ground, or failing to take credit for your true talents and contributions–you’re starting to lose your battle just like the hero/heroine does in the movie.
So the question is, can you hear the people who care about you yelling at the screen, “NO! Don’t succumb to the dark side!” Can you remember your teachings, center and save yourself and all of creation?
Where Is My Aunt Yoda?
Of course the superheroes have teachers. They have guides like, Yoda or Merlin, who teach them how to handle their equivalent of the bully boss, but who teaches us how to do this? If we’re lucky our parents were good role models for emotional intelligence growing up and we just embody their natural skills. Some others of us have other role models, mentors and teachers, who give us a deep sense of self-worth we can connect to and learn these lessons on our own. These teachers and mentors encourage us to seek excellence in ourselves and master our personal abilities. They acknowledge our successes so we know what it feels like to master these inner powers. If that’s you, congratulations!
Don’t feel bad if you missed out on having an Aunt Yoda who taught you all this stuff, though. Most of us don’t grow up with these teachers. We have to find them as adults. While this explains the explosion of self-help media out there, the hidden secret—whether Aunt Yoda lived next door or whether you’re an avid fan of a yoga guru—you still have to do the work yourself.
And that’s where InPower Coaching comes in. After exploring the real human super powers to help people survive the office bully and learn to lead others, I realized that too many people had bought into the metaphor! They thought the magic was in the wand, instead of inside them.
But there is no wand. Unlike Harry Potter and more like a Jedi, the magic is inside you and only you can discover how to use it for yourself. So put the self-help books down and start applying their lessons to learn what your personal super powers feel like.
My solution to help my clients do this was to create worksheets. It turns out that your deep inner powers—while unique to you—are also universal in many ways. So believe it or not, a few worksheets can unlock them and help you apply them in your every day life.
I have a bunch of worksheets I’ve developed over the years working with clients, but I’ll give you my secret. All the powers they can unleash are built on this one, single power: emotional freedom.
All those bullies and troublesome people in your life can be managed effortlessly and easily when you’ve mastered the art of emotional freedom and letting go of your anger, anxiety and sense of vulnerability. Emotional freedom gives you the ability to become an amazing communicator and leader. And yes, I have a worksheet for that. It totally works.
Just call me Aunt Yoda.
Oh, and for the Star Wars nerds like me out there, May the Fourth be with You! (This is an obscure fandom reference to the fact that this is posted on May 4th, the official Star Wars Day!)
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I’m not a cryer, but that doesn’t mean I’ve never found myself crying at work – or wanting to very, very, very, badly. Harsh judgements, bullies, layoffs, no sleep, big risks gone sideways, bad personal news crashing into our workdays…there are many good reasons that tears are an appropriate response to the lives we lead in the workplace. And although everyone experiences this, our workplace cultures are pretty terrible at guiding us about how to handle tearful emotions constructively.
As potentially the only positive outcome of our collective pandemic trauma, we are beginning to see emotionally intelligent ways of thinking about stress, grief and overwhelming uncertainty at the office evolve. The rethinking of work as a place of pure rationality has surfaced the idea that crying at work may not be the career-ending behavior it used to be. This is welcome news to many people too-often dismissed for “sensitive personalities” at the office especially, women.
Yet we still don’t have much culturally appropriate guidance for how to think about crying at work in the context of our career and personal brand development. So in the article below, we’ll explore this in the hopes that you can walk away with some new assumptions and mindsets to try out, both when faced with someone on the brink of (or over the edge of) tears, or when the tears well up within you.
Crying at work: myth vs. reality
I’ve had more than one client ask me, “Is it okay if I cry at work?” The answer is complex: No, if it demonstrates a lack of control you can’t recover from right away (which doesn’t mean you can’t recover later). Yes, if it’s a genuine expression of emotion that builds trust and appropriate vulnerability with colleagues. Maybe/maybe not if you’re working in a culture that doesn’t make room for such vulnerability.
When thinking about behaviors that are culturally accepted and expected in a workplace environment vs. those that are not, we all have a lot to unpack, especially the myriad of assumptions and beliefs we’ve never questioned.
In the realm of our emotional reality, researchers have dubbed some of these cultural norms and expectations “feeling rules.” This is especially complicated because our workplace cultures–which we rarely interrogate or seek to evolve–largely default to the “white male standard.” This leads to feeling rules that allow (and sometimes reward) emotions like hostility, competitiveness, greed and pride, while penalizing emotions perceived as opposite of these things like appreciation, trust, nurturing and responsiveness.
In addition to putting greater value on emotional expression that skews male, the feeling rules are different depending on your gender. For example, men can be rewarded for angry outbursts while women are penalized for it. Specifically, the “feeling rules” for women mean that when women cry at work for personal reasons (death in family, sick child) they get a pass, but when they cry for work-related reasons such as stressful situations or setbacks, colleagues see them as weak, unprofessional or manipulative. And in a reverse discrimination dynamic, men are often discouraged from crying, especially in female-stereotyped circumstances and by other men.
These feeling rules are changing, and there are many nuances that can lead one tearful incident to increase people’s respect for you (e.g., tearing up in a moving tribute to a colleague) while others may hurt your credibility (e.g., accepting and dealing with work+life overwhelm in a high-stakes business interaction). So to understand the nuances of the cultural reality where you work, you need to look at subtleties and be honest with yourself about what is truly “allowed” where you are, instead of simply assuming that any tear is an automatic sign of weakness.
In the best of circumstances, regardless of the feeling rules for those around you, you can manage your emotions with intelligence, strength and authentic honesty, role modeling for others how an effective person can cry at work and still be a productive and strong leader.
For those unsure that crying is all that necessary, let’s start with the basics. Crying is a physiological response to both physical and emotional stimuli. Our bodies don’t do things randomly, they respond to the world in ways that keep us healthy. Some of the clearest health benefits of crying include:
Emotional regulation and self-soothing
Pain and stress relief by releasing the “feel good” hormones oxytocin and endorphins in the body
Release of toxins and reduced bacteria
In the workplace context, the first benefit, emotional regulation and self-soothing, are critical strategies (which may or may not include tears) for establishing Emotional Intelligence. Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is highly correlated with both life and work success. Foundational to a person’s ability to improve their EQ is the ability to be self-aware of your own emotions and thoughts. An even more advanced state of EQ gives you insight into how the heart- and mind-based dimensions of consciousness interact.
Self-awareness when you are feeling emotions worthy of tears (e.g., sadness, grief, overwhelm, helplessness, anger, frustration, guilt, shame, anxiety and extreme happiness) might offer you the opportunity to shed some tears as a way of letting the strong, potentially unhelpful or destructive emotions, pass through you. Crying requires that you acknowledge and experience the emotion in your current circumstance. Once you’ve been present with the emotion which causes the tears, the emotion evolves, often transforming entirely into a more manageable feeling.
If you’ve spent a lifetime suppressing tears, as many of us have, you may rarely have experienced the profound relief of simply allowing yourself to feel what you feel very intensely, releasing the intensity of it and leaving behind a greater understanding of why you feel it so deeply. Crying gives you this opportunity. And when you feel so deeply, your body, heart and mind don’t care whether you’re sitting at your desk, driving in your car, presenting in a meeting or lying in a lover’s embrace. You just do.
So what does all this EQ stuff have to do with crying? Crying is simply one of many, many, many forms of emotional expression. Emotional expressions, like all expressions, carry information to help you and others make decisions. When you learn to view tears in this context, they lose their stigma and become information you can use to manage your own emotional state, your response to others’ emotional states, and interactions between everyone.
Crying also has the social benefit of alerting others to the fact that you are under duress and that they may need support. Of course, in highly competitive workplace cultures and social systems, the need for support can also be viewed as a sign of vulnerability, which can be preyed upon by low-EQ colleagues.
Regardless of your workplace culture, if you assume that all your colleagues are weakness-averse this can lead you to repress natural, healthy emotional responses in situations where people would be very willing to give you support without thinking less of you. The lesson here is to use your judgment and learn when, and with whom, you can safely offer your body and heart the healthy healing it needs from time-to-time.
Is my career over if I cry at work?
Basically, no. While crying won’t always help you in the eyes of others, it’s rarely the career-ending event many of us fear. A lot of the time, though, the extent to which crying at work can hurt or be a neutral event in your career depends on how you react after the tears have spilled, or when others around you struggle to contain their emotions.
As with many interpersonal “oopses” and conflicts, other people are more likely to adjust their opinion of you based on how you recover, than based on what caused the need for recovery in the first place. In other words, if you cry, be intentional about how you let others observe you recovering from it.
If a bully or troll lashes out at you and you cower, get defensive or dissemble, everyone sees you as vulnerable, but if you ignore them (genuinely) they see you as strong and centered.
If you scream in anger and lash out at others, they see you as out-of-control and immature, but if you calm yourself and speak normally while offering reasonable ideas, while conveying your disappointment or frustration, they see you as mature and constructive.
If you cry at a sad event, prove yourself unable to focus on the topic and force everyone else to stop to help you or indulge your emotions, they may see you as insecure, but when you quickly regain your composure, assuring others you’re ok/the feeling has passed and guiding the group back to the topic at hand, they see you as strong and centered.
It should come as no surprise that people with a reputation for strength, centeredness, maturity and constructive communications gain some personal brandshine over those who do not display these abilities, regardless of the reason–even crying.
People are generally more understanding and empathetic than you imagine they are. Most of the time they will take their cues on how to think about you from you. So if you want to be authentic, sometimes vulnerable, always strong – be that way, and that’s how most people will see you.
What should I do if I cry at work?
Achieving EQ and emotional maturity is, of course, hard work. It takes time and every crying incident is an opportunity to master it. In the moment it can be challenging but try these strategies when you can.
If possible, consider excusing yourself to leave the room until you’ve had an unfettered cry in private and pulled yourself back together.
When this isn’t possible or appropriate, signal that you’re taking a break, let the emotions come and simply experience them (with as little embarrassment and shame piling on top of the instigating emotions as you can). Take a deep breath and signal to people when you’re ok to continue. If you want to share what the emotions are about, feel free, but keep it brief and help yourself and others get back on topic as quickly as possible.
Try to help people understand the meaning of your tears. Specifically, what do you value so much that it produces this intense reaction?
Tell people what (if anything) you’d like them to do to support you. If it’s just asking them to wait while you manage it, that’s fine. When you are explicit with the support you want, people feel less helpless and less uncomfortable.
Leave the interaction on a positive and business-focused note. For example, if you cried because of bad feedback, don’t defend yourself in the moment, thank them and tell them you’re going to process what they said and get back to them later.
After-the-fact strategies for repair:
Start by repairing your own experience, especially if you’re feeling particularly embarrassed or ashamed. Reframe your own story about what happened, why and what it meant. For example, tell yourself and others you trust that you didn’t have a “breakdown,” you had a “difficult few moments.” Shift from feeling like you “failed to control yourself and succumbed to” tears to something more positive, like “accepting your feelings and dealing with them so you could focus again as quickly as possible.
Follow up within 24-48 hours in a totally business context, without reference to the crying event, to demonstrate to them you’re on your game.
Tell people you trust privately more about your emotional experience to assure them you’re ok and can handle it. This may help them counter any negative gossip.
If you still need support, ask for it. Be as specific as you can and ask for things people have the power and ability to give you. (E.g., If you need some days off, ask for it. If you’re feeling overwhelmed with work, ask your boss to accept that you will be prioritizing your work more carefully to prevent overwhelm and burnout.)
How to React When Your Coworker Cries at the Office
Many people feel even more uncomfortable when a colleague breaks out in tears than when they struggle with their own emotions. This is because when someone else is struggling emotionally we feel helpless. At least if we’re the one crying, we know what to do! When someone else is experiencing intense emotions, we can feel as though it is our job to make it all “okay.” But it’s not our job to fix it (or them). Our job is simply to be patient and understanding.
In these situations when someone else cries, as when we’re the one struggling, it’s best to:
Simply pause and allow the person to experience what they feel. Define success as “them processing so they can get back on task,” not “fixing the problem and making it stop.”
Tell them, “It’s ok, let me know when you’re ready to move on.” Don’t rush to try to help or fix it, just wait patiently and with the understanding that everyone experiences intense emotions, including yourself sometimes.
Don’t put your discomfort on them, blame them or shame them. Just breathe through it and wait.
When appropriate, ask them if they need support or are ready to move on.
If they ask for help you can provide (e.g., leave the room or come back to this item on the agenda in 10 min), give it to them. If not, offer as reasonable an alternative as you can.
When they’re ready to move on, do so and don’t treat them with “kid gloves,” just treat them as a normal person who had an abnormal moment.
For many of us, the hardest part of this process is managing our own discomfort. After all, discomfort is inherently uncomfortable! Be sure that the way you handle your own feelings isn’t to blame someone else. Some will feel uncomfortable around others who weep, while others will feel nothing but compassion. Accept that what you feel is what it is and just feel it (like the person crying is trying to do in front of you.)
Most importantly, be very aware of how their tears make you see them differently, or not. Be aware that you may be judging them as “weak” or “unable to hack it,” which is often untrue and unfair. Interrogate your own beliefs about their crying and about them and try to be honest if you find yourself judging them more harshly than necessary, or than you might judge someone else. It’s reasonable to consider emotional responses, especially if frequent, as part of how you evaluate someone’s effectiveness at their job, but this is very job- and situation-dependent. Don’t be overly critical.
Especially, don’t allow yourself to disqualify someone for a job they’re likely to be very good at, simply because they’re willing to be authentic and human in public. Be honest with yourself if you’re too harsh, or applying your judgment unfairly (e.g., giving a man with regular toxic behavior a pass and penalizing a woman for crying once in a blue moon.) Be supportive of them to help their talent and potential come into being. Role model Emotional Intelligence for them and give them feedback that is respectful and helps them build their own EQ, which may be helping them learn how to handle crying in the moment with grace (forward them this article!)
For more on how not to judge people when you find them crying at work, and in many other circumstances, watch this video.
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