Dear Dana: I recently moved to a new division and the team I run works closely with another team. The other team leader and I are supposed to work closely together to coordinate schedules, resources and such. I am a positive person and went into this peer relationship trying to create a win-win. Early on I found this wasn’t going to happen. I had several private meetings with my counterpart. Things we said in those discussions he went back on later in other public meetings, which made me look like an idiot. I’ve tried to use humor to remind him of our agreements, but that totally backfired. He has no ability to laugh at himself. Sometimes I even think he’s paranoid and looking for reasons to believe I’m out to get him. I’ve really had to manage my own anger (your detriggering lessons help!) but I feel like my male ego is under constant assault. I don’t want to be petty but it’s exhausting. My boss has been understanding and recently told me to look up information about dealing with people who have a narcissistic personality disorder, and this was eye-opening.
I’m pretty sure my peer has this problem. Now I’m struggling with how much I want to/need to accommodate this person’s “disorder.” Everything about the way he treats me and others (I feel bad for his team) just goes against everything I’ve been taught about what it means to be a decent human being. But even knowing it’s a real problem doesn’t help me when he says things that seem more like alternative facts to others trying to represent things I say to him in private. What advice do you have for dealing with this person, or should I just try to move to a different group? I like the rest of my job but dealing with this person is really putting a damper on me and sometimes I don’t even want to go to work on days I’m going to have to confront him. – C.B. in Cincinnati
Dear C.B., Wow. I can feel your struggle and I am sorry you have to deal with this. That said, the narcissistic personality disorder is a real thing and there are enough people out there who have it to mean that the rest of us need to learn to deal with them. Sadly, they often end up in leadership by browbeating others and taking credit to make themselves look good. Once they’re in a position of power they can (and do) reward others for similar traits and before you know it there are a bunch of leaders in the organization with narcissistic tendencies.
It’s a legitimate strategy for your own mental health to remove yourself from a person or a situation that is truly tearing you down, however, I’m going to recommend you stay in a little longer for a two reasons. First, it’s an opportunity for you to work on yourself. You say you’re using detriggering to help you manage your anger, which is awesome! But if you’re still struggling with your ego and wanting to avoid this person, then I’m guessing you can benefit from more detriggering. We all carry a lot of triggers and it can take a while to let go of most of them and get to the point where our emotions don’t run away when others trigger them and yank us around uncontrollably, so if this person is still pushing your buttons, I suggest using him to help you detrigger at deeper and deeper levels until he doesn’t make you want to stay away from work, but perhaps schedule a self-care decompression walk/workout after meeting with him. You’re smart to recognize that your own male ego is taking it in the chin with this guy and this is an opportunity for you to work on getting your own ego into a healthy, state that can’t be easily triggered.
Second, if you’ve never had to deal with someone like this before, count yourself lucky and recognize that you now have an opportunity to learn to deal with this personality type, since it may not be the last time in your career you’ll have that opportunity. There are some strategies you can use to manage your relationship with him and since it sounds like you have a supportive boss and a job you like. Why let this guy ruin what would otherwise be a good career experience? You want to get the most out of your current situation, rack up some successes and leave on a high note to help you position yourself for your next job.
Strategies for Dealing with a Narcissistic Personality Disorder
So, what can you do to deal with this person? You may have already discovered some good advice out there, like this Harvard Business Review article, for dealing with narcissists, but if you haven’t it’s a good idea to read up. The most important thing to do is recognize that in the most extreme cases it truly IS a disorder. It’s a handicap and it limits this person’s ability to be effective at some level. This doesn’t mean you have to feel sorry for him, but it’s important to internalize the fact that his disorder is not about you, even though it usually feels that way. Keep detriggering until you get to the point where you don’t take his behavior personally. I know it’s hard, but it can be done.
Also, stop meeting with him alone. It sounds like one of the things that may be impinging on your own effectiveness is that he twists your words to others, after you’ve met in private. So stop meeting with him in private. You may feel like it’s silly to want a witness, but you need to protect yourself from his ability to lie or claim alternative facts or else you’re in a he said/he said situation that his over-confidence means you probably won’t win. Protecting yourself doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re strategic. Be strategic.
Be judicious about when and how you challenge him, especially in public and be sure to recognize him publicly when he really deserves it. Your ego may struggle a bit with giving him credit and letting him claim the limelight, but if you’re decisive about when and how you do this to preserve and protect your own professional integrity, what does it hurt to let him have some legitimate credit in order to maintain a good working relationship? You may get triggered by this, but it’s a good investment in yourself to learn to detrigger your competitive instincts so you feel confident you can give anyone the credit they deserve, even if it doesn’t make you look good all the time. That’s one way you make sure you’re not ever perceived as “that guy.” Remember that that guy isn’t your only audience. You want others to see that you’re confident enough yourself to stand up for your professional integrity when you need to and give others their due when it’s earned.
Confide in your boss but don’t gossip
Since your boss seems to understand and appreciate the difficult position you’re in, make sure s/he understands what you’re doing to make this working relationship functional. Working with this guy is work and you deserve to get credit for it. Also, your boss may have more ideas and the two of you can learn together how best not to let this situation spread discontent in the organization, so be allies where it makes sense. But don’t fall into gossiping, with your boss or others, about this guy. It will come back to hurt you. (Wondering what the difference is between gossip and talking constructively about others? Gossip isn’t conducted with a positive intent to help the person you’re gossiping about. Be explicit about the ways you’re trying to help the person and the situation and you’ll stay out of gossiping situations.)
Focus on solutions with this person, not problems
I got this advice from a former client who worked for a narcissist for many years. She discovered that since people with narcissistic personality disorder need to look good, they love solutions and problems frustrate them. They can too easily get stuck in the problem and feel trapped, like they can’t see the way out to looking good. Also, focusing on solutions is a good idea anyway. So you may need to spend more energy with other people or on your own diagnosing the problems than you can cooperatively with this person. Take the problem diagnosis to them and collaborate (with witnesses) on the solution. Be willing to acknowledge their legitimate contribution when reporting the solution to larger groups. You may even want to lead with their contribution so that they feel validated before you claim some credit of your own.
My former client also volunteered that when she realized that her narcissist was coming from a place of scarcity (i.e., never enough attention and credit), she found working with him an opportunity to practice coming from a place of generosity when dealing with him. It became a daily practice and, she believes, has grown her own capacity to be the giving person she wants to be. She still needs to stand for her own professional integrity when it’s relevant but she says she sees him now as handicapped and can let him have credit she doesn’t need from time to time. She believes this attitude allows them to work together constructively.
The bottom line is that working with this person who has a narcissistic personality disorder is a good opportunity for you to work on yourself, to evolve your own ego and triggers to the point where you know in your heart his issues are not about you and that you can choose to be the person of integrity, competence and generosity that you want to be. It may not be easy but becoming our best selves never is.
Once you have achieved things in this position and worked on yourself more, then it’s totally legitimate to make the struggles of dealing with this person one of the reasons you want to leave your current position. Just don’t make it the only one.
P.S. – If you’re struggling with people who push your buttons, too, whether because they’re narcissistic or not, learn more about how to detrigger your buttons so their issues don’t become yours.
When you’re emotionally triggered, your reactions to stressful situations (and people) feel out of control. All the stress reduction in the world can’t help you if your emotional triggers are in charge. These 3 lessons will get you back in the driver’s seat.
For the most part, an active imagination is as asset and helps us envision success, solutions to problems and fun things to keep us motivated. But of course it can also undercut us and disempower us if we’re not careful. Marcia offers some welcome insight into how we can get a handle on negative thoughts – and disempower them instead! – InPower Editors
Where does you mind go when you aren’t focused on doing or seeing something in the present? Either you are rehashing a past event or worrying about the future. It’s not likely you are contemplating happy events.
Your brain has a “negative bias.” This means it tends to scan, register, store and recall unpleasant more than positive experiences. This bias is meant to protect you. It can also hurt you. Stress from memories and worries is just as toxic to your body as if the experiences were happening in the moment.
In other words, you not only get mad at your boss for cutting your conversation short, at your loved ones for not noticing how frustrated you are by their carelessness, and at the service technician on the phone who made you answer a million questions before issuing you a repair order…but you “relive” these scenarios in your brain the rest of the day and possibly for years.
Your imagination can be poisoning you with physical and mental side effects of pressure, tension and anxiety.
The thought of a stressful event has the same detrimental effect on the body as the original occurrence.
Each time you replay one of these incidents, you might as well be taking a swig out of a bottle of poison – these thoughts are poisonous to the mind. The norepinephrine released in your body strains your muscles, suppresses your immune system, slows your digestion (which could lead to being overweight), disrupts your sleeping (another factor in weight gain), taxes your cardiovascular system, fuels depression, decreases your sex drive, and causes memory loss. Even the anticipation of a stressful event increases the poison in your bloodstream.
How many times a day do you rehash an age-old conversation? Richard Ely and Elizabeth Ryan have looked at people’s autobiographical memories and found that women’s recollections tend to be speech-filled. On the other hand, men tend to remain more analytical when ruminating, concentrating on “Why did I do that?” rather than, ‘What should I have said?”
Worrying about the future has the same effect. Men and women both worry, just differently. Women tend to worry more than men about how people will feel in reaction to a decision or event. Men tend to fixate on what they should do to fix a problem or not create a problem in the first place.
Whatever patterns of reviewing past bad events or obsessing about future disasters you have, you want to change them to keep yourself healthy.
Here are some tips that could provide the antidote to the poison of stressful thinking:
TIP #1:Breathe.
Take “pay attention breaks” throughout the day and consciously regulate your breathing.
TIP #2: Identify what your brain is saying to you.
The best way of working with your thoughts is to have a conversation with your brain when the past events or worries show up.
Do you need to remedy a past situation? Do you need to have a conversation with someone to complete an unresolved issue? A painful experience from the past can provide a good lesson for the future. If you had to do it over, what would you say or do differently. Write down your insights in a journal. Then when these memories show up again, shift your focus to something more positive instead.
Catch yourself worrying in isolation or in conversation. Thank your brain for protecting you, and then use the time to sort through possibilities instead of focusing on the worst that could happen. Ask yourself what is at stake, really. What can harm you? Is it true? What are the consequences of trying something, really? If you make the phone call, have the conversation, go for the promotion, stand on the stage, or agree to go on an adventure, how likely is the worst to happen? How does that weigh with the good possibilities? Even if bad things happen, what will you do next? It is likely things will turn out for the best if you keep moving forward.
Talk to your brain, learn from the past and assess the real risks in the future. Then move on to more productive thoughts.
TIP #3:Choose your emotions.
You are much more creative, productive and fun to be with when you feel happy, amused, grateful, proud, and enthusiastic about the future. Notice what you are feeling and then choose how you want to feel instead. Your thoughts are likely to change as well.
If you can’t change your emotions in the moment, then do something else that will stimulate this shift. Even listening to music or looking at pictures can help to alter your mood.
TIP #4: Forgive yourself for being human.
Everyone beats themselves up for what they did in the past and worries about the future in their own way. Practice these techniques and you will change your habits over time.
Don’t let your brain poison you. Choose what you want to think about and how you want to feel for your health now and in the future. Negative thoughts CAN be turned around.
When you’re emotionally triggered, your reactions to stressful situations (and people) feel out of control. All the stress reduction in the world can’t help you if your emotional triggers are in charge. These 3 lessons will get you back in the driver’s seat.
The holidays are upon us and this means – increased stress!
We all “know” that when things get busy we need to be gentle with ourselves and that one of our best strategies is to say “No” more often, and preserve more of energy for the highest priorities. We know it but we often don’t do it. I want to encourage you to make this holiday season the time where you master this important skill – because it not only helps you stay sane when things are crazy – it helps you position yourself as a leader all year round. Combined with learning the art of setting intentions, these are two of the most powerful skills I know for reducing personal stress and being perceived by everyone around you as a leader, capable of playing in bigger leagues.
Why is “Saying No” So Hard, Anyway?
Saying “No” is hard because we don’t just say the word, we burden it with other – unsaid – emotional baggage on both the sayer’s and receiver’s part. When we do this, it actually increases our stress level! When most people say and hear “No”, they tend to pack all kinds of other things into those two little letters that go something like this: Your idea sucks/My idea sucks. You’re wasting my time/I’m a terrible employee. Have you done anything useful lately?/I’m a waste-cadet.
But it doesn’t have to be that way and powerful leaders and managers know how to use the Art of No in ways that leave the listener feeling useful, appreciated and inspired. Note, I didn’t say “good”. It’s not a leader’s job to make everyone feel good; it’s to move the organization forward, get the job done and help grow employees as productive and inspired contributors to the teams’ success. When you release the need to make everyone feel good and accept only what’s your actual job to do, a ton of stress just melts away. To do this, you have to learn to say “No” gracefully, and say it often.
3 reasons to practice the Art of Saying No
1. If you don’t say “No”, you don’t leave room for the “Yes’s” that matter
If you run around saying “Yes” to things you mean “No” to, or worse, pepper people with “maybes” (which tends to lead to paralysis after a bit), then your “Yes’s” come to mean very little. Conversely, if you say “No” when you really mean it, people will begin to believe that your “Yes” means Woo-hoo! Now we’re gonna get things done! Saying “No” is a fabulous way to stay in integrity so people come to believe that your word is going to happen. This means saying “No” more often than many of us are comfortable with. Think of it like a poker game and don’t spend your chips on a bad hand.
2. “No’s” help you manage energy
It’s all about focus. No organization or person has the energy, time or resources for everything that has to get done. As the leader, it’s your responsibility to maintain focus and you must always be looking for ways to get rid of things that detract from it – for yourself, your staff and for team members individually (by which I don’t mean micromanagement, I mean in helping them set their personal objectives and stay focused on them). Energy is more important than time and if you don’t manage it well, you and your team won’t accomplish the goal and nobody wins.
3. Artful “No’s” help employees become better stewards of the goals and build a more focused culture
If you just say “No” and walk away, you’re leaving all that unsaid baggage dumped in their lap. Don’t do that. Remember how that feels and remember the Golden Rule. Take the time to explain your decision and empower them to say No earlier on the next time – and be rewarded – when they see something beginning to happen (or a bright, shiny, distracting idea pop up) that’s detracting from the focus. Grow more “No”-sayers and you’re giving them an important career skill (as long as they’re also learning when and how to say “Yes”.)
3 Ways to Practice the Art of Saying No
I recently read a blog on how to say No to doomed projects while inspiring people. I clicked on it eagerly looking for new tips in the quest to refine the Art of No. But I was disappointed because none of the recommendations included the word “No.” The author wanted to make sure you dind’t demoralize people, but in my experience people prefer the truth above all and if the idea is dead, just kill it. They’ll thank you later if you did it gracefully and helped them spend their energy on higher priority projects. Here’s my list!
1. Get rid of the unsaid baggage
You’re the leader so you go first. Before you talk to the person, get rid of that negative emotional baggage you might be feeling. Even if you don’t think the person is a waste, we’re all programmed to feel it when we stomp on someone’s idea. (I don’t know why, ask a psychologist.) Take the time and have the strength to ask yourself questions like this to discharge the unconscious negative feelings and replace them with positive ones before you talk to them:
Is this person a waste? If the answer is no, replace the feeling with This person has shown great dedication, etc. (If they’re a waste, fire them.)
Do I bear some of the responsibility for letting this go on so long unchecked? If yes, be prepared to admit this to the person.
What have we learned through this effort we can apply in the future? Plan to explore this with them at length. They will feel heard and there are often the seeds of success in the remnants of failure.
Are you detached from it yet? If you’re still feeling sad over shutting it down, deal with this first. See below for some help on this.
When you talk to them, don’t let them put baggage in the conversation like, “I’m a waste cadet.” You’ve defused your baggage; help them defuse theirs. Tell the truth as you see it, “You’re not a waste cadet, you’re new to this kind of project and are still learning,” and encourage them to see the truth in the situation as well.
2. Give them a new challenge immediately
Help them see how disengaging them from the “No” thing frees them to focus on something even more important to the team’s work. Spend 1/3 of your time with them saying “No” and 2/3 saying “Yes” and focusing on the future. Share your enthusiasm and show them that they matter and are not a waste-cadet.
3. Help them detach by detaching yourself
Especially if they’ve put a lot of themselves into it, take some of your 2/3 “Yes” energy and demonstrate how you’re detaching from it yourself. Show that you’ve released your disappointment and are committed to success, even if what that success looks like has changed. Most importantly, find your positive belief that this “No” will help everyone get closer to the goal and share this with them genuinely. If you don’t believe it, neither will they.
Of course Yes, No and Maybe aren’t always the only answer. There’s also a “Yes, but….” to steer something away from becoming a “No” while the project still holds value. That’s where leadership judgment comes in. In addition to this we-can-still-save-it scenario, there is power in creating “creative-but-possibly-unproductive time on purpose” where everyone goes in knowing a “No” is reasonably likely in the end – as Google and other institutional innovators find in the power of time off . But those “time off” projects are designed to develop creativity in people; they are seen as an investment in the people, not the project. Saying “No” to commercializing their end product is different than shutting down something everyone was committed to seeing through to a “Yes.”
In the end, the leader still has to know when to hold ‘em and when to fold ‘em. When the hand sucks, fold it and hang on to your chips. Come to think of it, good poker players have definitely perfected the Art of Saying No.
One last piece of advice I’ll give you about saying no is that if you’re clear on you intention – the positive things you want to come out of the interaction – you can usually navigate even the most touchy “saying no” conversation with grace and good results.
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When you’re emotionally triggered, your reactions to stressful situations (and people) feel out of control. All the stress reduction in the world can’t help you if your emotional triggers are in charge. These 3 lessons will get you back in the driver’s seat.
Welcome to “Dear Dana”, a column to give you career and workplace advice/coaching from executive coach, Dana Theus
Dear Dana, I am updating my resume to apply for jobs. I read your article about “speaking accomplishments.” I liked your advice and will apply it to how I manage the way I think about my resume accomplishments in the future, but I want to ask for more clarification on how I should put my work accomplishment statements on my resume when I achieve them as part of a team. My job is almost all in teams that are matrixed with other groups. I lead contract compliance teams, and I work with just about every group in the company, but the other people actually DO the work in their areas. I’m just coordinating them to make sure they’re in compliance. So I know what my tasks are, coordinating these groups and updating status reports, but I’m not sure what my accomplishments are, since other people usually accomplish the contract items. Any advice for how to include accomplishments on my resume? – Confused in Chillicothe
Dear Confused-Thanks for your question. I understand how hard it can be to figure out what you can actually claim as an example of your “greatest accomplishment” when you feel like most of your job is being a cog in a very large set of wheels. Been there! Here’s some advice that can help you update your resume with a strong accomplishment statement.
First: Be specific about your “customer” engagement
The key is to break it down and ask yourself “Who was the “customer” that benefited from my work, and how did I make their life better?” The answer is an example of a greatest accomplishment! In your case it sounds like you have internal customers among all the people you’re coordinating. When updating your resume and even discussing your achievements in job interviews, it’s crucial to include relevant keywords from the job description and your own experience to cater to the applicant tracking system (ATS), which many companies use to screen resumes. Many of these keywords are in the group names of your internal customers.
These keywords aren’t just there for the ATS, but for prospective employers’ hiring managers and interviewers as well who will be looking for real world experience examples of your impact. When they see the names of the departments and people you supported, it helps them envision the environments you’ve worked in before. They know more about your specific job, and the work you’ve done just by looking at your “customers”. They know the kinds of problems you’ve solved, the kinds of effective management you’ve had to perform, and the company culture you’ve worked in. They can anticipate how well you’ll “get” the kind of challenges you’ll have working for them and this will help them evaluate you against other job seekers very quickly. Be sure to highlight specific team achievement examples in your cover letter, too.
So take a look at the teams you’ve worked in and identify which internal customers you’ve supported, such as:
finance/legal/HR
operations
sales
marketing
product
service delivery
customer satisfaction and service
Second: Be specific about the benefit your “customer” received
You said you’re helping your internal customers remain contract-compliant, which describes your regular job duties and showcases your leadership skills and ability to deliver results. Can you break down the benefit that compliance brings to each team? Here are some concrete examples:
If the sales team is compensated on recognized revenue, maintaining compliance can help them continually meet increased sales goals.
If the compliance tracking helps the client delivery and operations team update their project plans, you’re helping them meet customer deadlines, respond to customer complaints, and achieve customer satisfaction.
If the legal team has to litigate out-of-compliance projects, you’re helping reduce litigation costs by increasing compliance.
Of course, if you can attach a dollar value–or any measurable accomplishments–to any outcome, you should do so! It’s possible you don’t know all the value you’re delivering, in which case you should talk to your team members (or their bosses) to learn more about how they quantify and value the effort you’re bringing. Here are some metrics that often offer low-hanging fruit for metrics you can include in your accomplishment statement:
annual supply costs
company website effectiveness
employee satisfaction rates
employee morale
hiring process
organizational efficiency
increasing productivity
client accounts performance
system performance
customer service examples (which underly winning trends)
marketing examples: market share, social media performance, website traffic, leads generated, marketing campaign effectiveness, online reviews
Don’t worry about having to tell them you’re applying for jobs. Identifying your accomplishments is something you should do internally anyway, in order to informally update your boss on your work and to formally include them in performance reviews. Ask them questions like:
If we didn’t have this team, what would you do instead to ensure you met these compliance objectives were successfully completed?
Would it cost them more to do it without you? How much more?
If they don’t meet their compliance objectives, what is the cost and who pays it?
And don’t forget to look at cumulative impacts! Some accomplishments can be tracked over a one to five-year period. As long as you can describe the positive impact from your previous roles, in ways that are relevant to the job posting you’re applying to, you’re on the right track. Whenever you’re working in a team, it can be confusing about what you can claim as an outcome, as opposed to your job responsibilities. How do you phrase your greatest accomplishment when you work on a team? Here’s some advice that can help you update your resume.
Third: Specify your job responsibilities and contribution to team success
Whenever you’re working in a team, it can be confusing about what you can claim as an outcome, as opposed to what you can’t really claim credit for–because others did a lot of the work. Be careful not to claim things that you didn’t do, but do claim your contribution to the outcome (and be specific about both.) Including more examples of measurable achievements in your resume summary can capture the attention of a hiring manager.
How do you phrase your greatest accomplishment when you work on a team? Here’s some advice that can help you update your resume. Click to tweet
As I mentioned in the previous post, you want to stay away from listing your activities alone, but when you list them as the reason that your team was successful, this is very powerful and shows hiring managers both what you did and the impact it had. In this case, you’re listing the team’s accomplishment and then identifying specifically what you did to help achieve it.
So, let’s say your team was instrumental in ensuring 98% contract compliance last year (the team accomplishment) and your role was in coordinating weekly contract reviews. You might state your personal greatest accomplishment as ensured team achieved 98% contract compliance by coordinating communication between four departments and escalating issues before they jeopardized compliance commitments. In this instance, you are listing your work activities, but you’re doing it in the context of the team success goal. Of course this means you need to know specifically what your team accomplished, and any corollary metrics, but as with the note above, these are things you should be tracking anyway (so if you’re not, start now!)
Even though in job interviews you’re likely to be asked for an example of your “greatest” accomplishment, you should be tracking all your accomplishments and keeping a record of them. Sometimes many small ones add up to a “greatest” accomplishment, and tracking them makes it easier to speak to others about your value and to believe it yourself.
P.S. — Need help writing your biggest accomplishments for your resume or LinkedIn profile? Download our worksheet on resume accomplishments for tips, fill-in-the-blank guidance, and examples! Get a BONUS personality assessment too!
Updated: Original post 2018
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Life is an art and a science. Expect it to be messy. Own the mess and the process and life becomes beautiful and amazingly powerful.
When they told you to color in between the lines, “they” did you a great disservice.
“They” were wrong – Messy is good
Creating something valuable is a messy process.
This is why artists and scientists both experiment and fail – a lot.
Want to create something important? Meaningful? Impactful? Beautiful? Let yourself get messy. Let yourself be wrong sometimes.
Of course, even artists need to clean up – sometimes; there’s new inspiration to be found when a fresh canvass comes out. And even scientists have to use their imaginations – sometimes; or they would never be able to “see” what can’t be “seen,” but which can be discovered. It’s their process and it works.
What’s your process? In what ways does “messy” show up in your life and work? Where do you color outside the lines?
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What got you here won’t get you ahead. Stop working twice as hard for too little recognition.
According to the Harvard Business Review article, “The Neuroscience of Trust” leaders intuitively understand that a lack of employee engagement is detrimental to achieving business objectives. But they’re often stymied for ways to address this problem. The author of the article, neuroeconomist Paul J. Zak offers up a surprising way to bolster lagging employee engagement: develop employees’ professional and personal skills. “Numerous studies show that acquiring new work skills isn’t enough; if you’re not growing as a human being, your performance will suffer,” writes Zak. “Facilitating whole-person growth” is one of eight management behaviors that create trust between employees and their leaders, Zak’s research finds. Trust, then, is the gateway to many things in organizational life, including lower employee stress, increased workplace satisfaction and improved business results. Read on to learn about the benefits of employee development – not only for their jobs, but for their lives outside of work as well.
Employee Development is Not Just a Feel-Good Strategy
Far from being a feel-good idea, companies that understand the importance of developing the whole person will achieve what Zak terms a “high-trust culture.” These types of trusting workplace cultures foster an atmosphere where colleagues, team mates and the leaders they interact with have a high level of trust amongst one another. Not only does this trusting environment lead to better engagement and work satisfaction, Zak’s research also shows that people who work at companies where there is a high level of trust exhibit 74% less stress than those working at low-trust companies.
Given that experts estimate that as much as $180 billion in healthcare expense in the United States is attributed to job-related stress, it makes sense for companies to work on improving trust in their organizations. One way to do that is for organizational leaders to view employee development through the lens of the entire person, not just developing their “9-5” skills. Yes, it’s important to have employees who are skilled in the technical elements of their job such as customer service, sales, operations, or accounting. But when you see your employee base as more than a set of work-related skills and instead open the door to developing emotional intelligence and soft skills, you move into territory that says, “We care about the whole you, not just the ‘you’ that you bring to the office.”
The Benefits of a Developing the Whole Person
Brighton Jones is a wealth management and financial advisory firm committed to developing the “wholeness” of their workforce. Last year they rolled out a program designed to help employees develop interpersonal skills sometimes left out of traditional corporate training programs. As part of Brighton Jones’ Richer Life Skills curriculum, the “MESI Ninja” course is “right in the sweet spot of the overlap between personal and professional development,” says Cory Custer, Brighton Jones’ Director of Compassion. “MESI” is an acronym for “Mindfulness, Emotional and Social Intelligence.” As a wealth management firm, Brighton Jones’ mission is to help clients develop a “richer life”; Custer and his colleague Liv Freeby used the MESI course to spearhead efforts to help employees develop their own version of a richer life. After beta-testing the program, nearly all Brighton Jones employees have attended the program. “All of the skills developed during the [MESI] program translate into better relationships. There is greater positivity, and a higher degree of trust and empathy” after participants complete the course, reports Custer. Adds Freeby, who is the company’s Director of Talent Management, “We are creating a condition for well-being at our company. We want to nurture the whole person, not just the person who executes all of their tasks for a certain number of hours every day.”
Part of Employee Retention Efforts
Although many workforce development experts see employee development as a linchpin to retaining skilled employees, companies often fall down on this important element of business operations. Research from The Hay Group, an organizational development company, points to a significant gap in employee expectations related to career development. “Hay Group data on the predictors of employee retention indicate [career development] is THE most important aspect of a company’s reward program as far as talent retention is concerned,” writes The Hay Group’s Vincent Milich. Yet only about 50% of employees give their companies positive marks on employee development, according to Hay’s research. Clearly, there is a lot of opportunity for organizations to invest in their employees’ development. And, it doesn’t have to be costly to do so. With the help of technology such as group video chats and online learning platforms, many organizations can offer training and development to their entire workforce for as little as $100 per employee per year.
Not Just for Leadership Development
One thing that sets great companies apart from the average ones is their willingness to invest in their entire workforce. Great Place to Work® (“GPTW”) is an organization that researches the best practices in creating a positive workplace culture. In their 30 years of surveying employees to find out what makes a workplace “great” GPTW has uncovered several key factors to creating a high-trust culture. Among them is that training and development is offered to all employees regardless of their role. “Development at the ‘best’ companies are offered to all employees,” says Jessica Rohman, Director of Content at GPTW. “It’s not confined to just ‘high potential’ employees or those with leadership titles. Great places to work are those organizations that understand that all employees should have the opportunity to fully develop their human potential,” states Rohman.
The dual strategies of building a high-trust culture and developing employees’ personal and professional skills will help organizations create workplaces with lower stress, higher employee productivity and lower turnover. Coupled with a more cost-effective delivery methods than in the past, these employee development programs are now within reach of many more companies, so the big question is this: what’s holding back your organization?
How did we get here? Who’s silly idea was it to “have it all?” in the first place?
My mother’s generation didn’t “have it all” – or even half.
Married women in my mother’s and grandmother’s generation were locked in the domestic ivory tower as queens of their homefronts, but powerless in society at large. They were discouraged from holding jobs, gaining advanced degrees, deprived of bodily autonomy and virtually never granted leadership authority. Many laws treated them as the property they once were. By denying them independent income and authority, women were starved of economic power. Often even if they had money, they were unable to open bank or credit card accounts without a male signatory, and thus were unable to exercise sole legal responsibility for assets and investments that could produce wealth.
This systemic disempowerment “protected” middle class women from unsafe work conditions suffered by the poor and “enabled” them to focus on the joys of family life without granting them social or economic credit for the hard work this entailed. They partnered with the men in their lives to feather and clean the nest, bolster family and agricultural businesses, and most importantly, provide the social infrastructure of childcare and volunteer labor to maintain the community and social infrastructure families rely on to survive.
Unsurprisingly, many women found the tradeoff unfulfilling and unfair. Their aggrievement gave rise to the first wave of feminism that earned us the vote and some basic legal protections.
As they moved into the workforce more fully thanks to birth control and greater education rates, women were blamed for wanting to “have it all,” which meant both the joys of the homelife as well as economic participation.
Women in the second wave of feminism reframed this slur and proudly claimed they “wanted it all.” A fervent belief that “it all” could be had fueled these pioneering women in overcoming the social stigmas and hard work this entailed.
With their declaration, the glove had been thrown down. Society (including the women themselves) said, “Ok, fine. You want it all? Prove you can do it all!”
Excited to have agency in a more empowered life, my mother’s and my generations took on the challenge to have it all with gusto. Proud of our ability to make a difference in the work world without sacrificing the joy we found in building a nurturing environment for our families, we took on the challenge to “have it all” with joy.
In the process, the economy reaped the benefits of all our added talent in the labor pool. Women’s participation in the U.S. workforce contributes over a quarter of its overall value and analysts all agree that the full potential power of our contributions remains untapped.
Of course, as women spent a smaller percentage of their time in the home, providing the historically unpaid labor for childcare, a greater burden landed on the education infrastructure and childcare industries. Initially, through the 70’s and into the aughts, public investments in children grew to offset the reduced amount of unpaid labor women once provided in caring for children.
These investments were a public good and an earned tradeoff for the value women were bringing to the national GDP. Women’s increased employment rates fueled a general economic boon for business owners who reaped the economic benefit of this new, low wage, labor force. It also gave rise to the addition and growth of a new commercial industry–childcare.
From an overall economic perspective, these shifts reflected bigger numbers in the stock market. But starting in the last decade, public investments have diminished and childcare costs have gone up. And despite 82% of working parents say that company-provided childcare benefits are meaningful employment incentives, only 6% of U.S. companies actually offer them. In short, the reduction in public investment has not been counterbalanced by private investment, despite a strong business case for investing in the care economy, including a strong majority of public opinion and clear financial benefits to individuals, companies, and the economy.
This means that to the average woman and her family, much of the economic power families gain by both parents’ workforce participation are being siphoned off into spending more on education, childcare and related expenses.
Many families increasingly face the choice to give away a large percentage of one parent’s time–and/or one parent’s income– in unpaid labor caring for their children. Elder care is also a factor, adding to the fact that when social support for families younger and older members goes down more broadly, individual families must pick up the costs in both money and time.
Suddenly, the economic benefits for all parents (and caregivers) when you “have it all,” starts to look like a penalty.
Personal Reality: Inequities at Home and in the Office
One bright light in this recent history has been that many men have discovered the potential joy in the search to “have it all.” Men’s contributions at home and in the family have increased over previous generations and more men are choosing to become the primary stay-at-home parent.
Unfortunately, while men now contribute more than they ever have before, it’s not enough to achieve gender equality in paying the price of unpaid labor needed to maintain homes and families. Women in the United States spend 37% more time on housekeeping and caregiving tasks than their partners do. The gap in hours expended was highest among younger, childless couples, clocking in at a 54% discrepancy. (Interestingly, same-sex couples tend to divide their unpaid work tasks more evenly.)
This expectation that women will volunteer more time to caring for the household is consistent across racial and economic demographics, speaking to a broadly held view – by women and men – that this differential is appropriate to their gender roles.
The strength of this cultural stereotype requiring women to volunteer more unpaid labor is underscored by its appearance in the workplace as well. Societal expectations of what constitutes “women’s work” at the office shape the types of tasks women are asked to do, most often without recognition or compensation. These tasks, coined “invisible labor” and “non-promotable work” include both administrative and volunteer activities such as planning social outings, organizing meetings and volunteering for committees, but also extend to unseen (yet important) roles of providing social and emotional support during difficult times. And compounding the costs for working women, in addition to the persistence of the pay gap, is the fact that while men experience tangible and intangible workforce benefits for becoming fathers, women are penalized for becoming mothers.
The bottom line is that the excitement women once felt for the opportunity to “have it all” – playing meaningful roles in family and workplace life – has been turned back on them. While men and public support have stepped in to take up part of the unpaid, largely invisible, roles women used to contribute to the economy, it’s not enough. The status quo requires women to contribute more significantly in both the paid and unpaid economies.
Before we jump to believing that the solution is more equality at home and in the office – which is definitely part of the solution – I really have to question whether “equality” in the quest to “have it all” is the solution.
To “Have It All” Individual Women Need Worklife Equity
Here’s the thing. The persistence of the belief that women should be more involved in the unpaid childcare economy has genuine foundations. And a focus on equality in both the paid and unpaid economies ignores the realities about how children are born and the support they need.
Women’s bodies are still necessary to the birthing and care of young children. Even the most equality-minded couple, with a full-time stay-at-home partner and lots of money to throw at other support structures will struggle to get around the fact that someone’s body needs to go through the process of being pregnant, giving birth, recovering from the birth and supporting the infant. And that person’s body is simply not able to be equally present in the home, office or boardroom, without sacrificing something somewhere for some period of time. This cold rendition of the biological reality doesn’t even speak to the emotional reality that having a child–even if you don’t give birth to it–offers both parents.
The pursuit of equality – exacerbated by the perpetual invisibility of the unpaid economy and social expectations that women contribute more – is leading us to a place where the quest to “have it all” – for women and men alike – is burning us all out.
And both parents deserve to experience the joys of “having all they can” in both the paid and unpaid economies. The increasing likelihood that this isn’t possible for families with children, along with the general unsustainability of motherhood for so many women, may be contributing to declining birth rates more broadly. After all, if there are financial, physical and emotional disincentives to childbearing, wouldn’t a rational couple opt out more often?
On a social level, solutions to this conundrum lie in these areas:
Public support for childcare and families to shift more of the unpaid economy into the paid economy
Organizational improvements in fair hiring, compensation and recognition for women
Organizational improvements in flexible work conditions, paid family leave and other personal benefits that enable employees to contribute needed time to their families (fewer than 6% of companies currently offer childcare benefits working parents!)
But on a personal level, women and their families need to shift their search to “have it all” from a quantitative equality mindset to one of equity. An equity mindset goes beyond counting things (like opportunities, salary, hours at work or chores at home) to ensure they’re the same.
A worklife equity mindset factors in the importance of unpaid labor, including emotional labor and the physical labor of childbearing, some of which will never be recognized in the paid economy. In a personal and family system, both the tangible and intangible work necessary to make things work has to be identified, valued and negotiated by the partners (and sometimes their bosses, coworkers, neighbors, family members and even older children). These negotiations must factor in the differing abilities everyone has to contribute–even if they aren’t “equal.”
There’s no formula to apply. This is truly a personal process that will look different for everyone. But something close to equity can’t be achieved without two fundamental dynamics being introduced, which don’t often enough exist:
Making the invisible visible
Asking for what feels equitable to you
Since women are the ones bearing the majority of the invisible work right now, the burden of initiating these challenging conversations falls to us. No, it’s not fair, but none of this is fair. And for someone already exhausted by the unfairness of it, it can seem overwhelming.
But here’s my advice, as a coach, mom, wife and leader: create an intention for what balance of workload–visible and invisible–will give you some sense that you “have it all.”
Then ask for it.
Be ready to negotiate and set boundaries as a part of these negotiations. You may not get to “have it all”, but you will probably move much much closer to it.
InPower Women’s Mastermind
We don’t Mastermind your business. We Mastermind YOU!
Throughout my career I’ve had experiences with government, nonprofit and corporate cultures, and I’ve noticed a leadership pattern in all three that leaders can learn from.
Consensus means different things to different people. Be brave. Do Your Job.
Don’t take the ”easy” path.
The word consensus is based on the Latin word “consent,” which according to Dictionary.com means “to be in agreement.” Most people take this into the absolute realm and interpret consensus to mean, “everyone agrees with everything.”
Bad idea. Executive Coaching tip: people are designed at the molecular level NOT to agree on everything. So why set yourself up for the tyranny of the minority?
Leaders, Do Your Job
If you’re a leader trying to get everyone to agree with you, you’ll end up optimizing for the squeakiest wheel instead of doing your job, which is to involve those who have a stake in the issue and then shoulder the burden, risk and opportunity of decision to move things forward. The inability to use consensus to manage conflict is particularly debilitating in change management initiatives.
There are three primary reasons leaders don’t do this and struggle (usually in vain) to get everyone to agree:
They think the “easy way” is to avoid conflict by getting 100% agreement up front, but avoiding initial disagreement usually leads to “subversive agreement” and ensures conflict and confusion down the line when differences re-emerge and muck up your efforts to actually produce something.
They’re afraid to take risks to achieve opportunity, falling prey to management-by-CYA.
They never learned how to manage a workable definition of consensus to management conflict up front and thus become skilled at mitigating the risks of achieving opportunity.
A Workable Definition of Consensus
I learned the workable definition of consensus early on in my career when I was an international government affairs rep for big tech. The long and short of my job was to advocate my company and industry’s position to government regulators, policy makers, legislators and negotiators around the globe. Here’s what I noticed, the negotiators were masters of achieving workable consensus, and everyone else in government pretty much sucked at it.
Why? Because the negotiators were on the hook to produce something. They set deadlines to force agreement (or not) and to give their stakeholders a reason to reach workable consensus if it was reachable. I spent many a late night in a little room with other industry reps over cold pizza crusts waiting for the lead trade negotiator to come in with “the final” deal for us to weigh in on. At 11:35pm facing a 12am deadline, do you know what consensus looks like? It looks like what people can live with – most people, not all people – the most important people, not all people. [Sidenote: I didn’t work for “the most important people” so I learned this lesson too, if you want to win, align yourself (if you can) with the most important people.]
Does this make all leaders negotiators? Well, I’m not sure I’d go that far, but when your decision affects many stakeholders, fostering a negotiations mindset is a good idea because at the end of the day the decisions you make that have important-people-buy-in are going to be easier to implement. Implementation is messy enough; don’t increase your risks of disaster by sloppy consensus mismanagement up front.
Although I’ve seen this definition of consensus in action through the years many times, it wasn’t until I saw Chris McGoff’s CONSENSUS PRIME that the simplicity of it struck me. I think every leader should be schooled in CONSENSUS, which states:
The process must be explicit, rational and fair.
Participants must be treated well and their inputs must be heard.
Participants can live with and commit to the outcome.
Recently I’ve been reminded – not just of the power of workable consensus – but of the powerlessness that the “easy” Latin definition of 100% agreement can foster. Several government agencies recently brought me in to provide leadership development training to mid-level government management teams. I presented the CONSENSUS PRIME and shoulders slumped all over the room. This happened consistently across agencies. “Why the long faces?” I asked, sure that would have welcomed workable consensus to help them manage so many conflicting priorities. “That’s the answer to our problems,” everyone said. “But can you teach it to our bosses?” (And they meant bosses all the way to the top.)
With some work, these mid-level managers did come to understand how they could make workable consensus effective for them even in the face of CYA-happy superiors, but the implications were clear. Until leaders are willing to accept the challenge of achieving workable consensus – being brave, taking risks and believing they’re on the hook to actually produce something – the CYA Latin definition of consensus will rule our culture and we’ll just keep passing the implementation mess on to our future.
The boss says s/he wants to know what’s on your mind, but do they really? Really? When to speak up and speak truth to power.
High Risk
Almost half of respondents from a recent survey (48%) say they withhold their truth more than 25% of the time. Why? Because 82% say they’ve been penalized in the past for speaking up, being pushed aside, minimized and even losing their jobs. When I asked this question in discussion forums and in the survey, some of the emotions were raw. People feel that their integrity is at stake when something important is on the line and most (76%) feel regret when they decide to bite their tongues.
It’s normally my nature to speak the truth. So when I don’t, I feel like I’m not being true to myself. ~Survey Respondent
This regret is highly personal. We often feel that we are compromising our integrity when we clamp our mouths shut. I know this feeling, like you have to leave part of you at home every morning when you grab the keys and head out the door for work. It’s painful.
High Reward
But there’s a silver lining here if you want to advance your career and feel like you’re taking your whole self to the office every day – 72% said that speaking truth to power actually got them ahead! New assignments, new jobs and promotions all resulted from speaking up and telling the boss their truth.
I found that I got more opportunities and promotions after I decided I would speak my truth unconditionally. ~Survey Respondent
73% of those who had been rewarded have been penalized as well, which means that risk takers who are willing to take the hits also get the rewards.
But what’s going on in the gap? Is there a way to increase your likelihood of reaping the rewarded career advancement – building your personal power – for speaking your truth and minimize the downside risk? Definitely.
Improving Your Odds
The primary reasons respondents gave for deciding not to speak their truth was fear. Fear that the potential downside to them was greater than the upside it might produce (24%) and fear of an angry response (19%). Clearly you need to overcome your fears in order to speak up and reap the rewards. But this is a grey zone – and fear thrives in uncertainty; many people reported that the penalties they paid were not always overtly related to their decision to speak up, indicating that when they do self-censor, it is often based on their sense of the culture more than any formal cultural rules. In addition, respondents cited the boss’ ego getting in the way as the primary reason they decided not to take the risk of speaking up (70%).
So if you’re unsure how or when to speak your truth, and stuck in the fear of what might go wrong when you do, you’re not alone! But there is hope. Here we have some clues about the dangerous territory you must navigate: unclear cultural standards, the boss’ ego and your own fear of retribution and penalty. But 72% have reaped rewards for taking that risk, so there must be a way!
And there is.
How to Speak Your Truth to Power Effectively
Here are my recommendations to individuals from the survey report, based on the survey findings:
Learn to speak your truth so you can maintain your integrity – bringing your whole self to the office – in high and low risk situations.
Learn to speak your truth so you can advance your career when the opportunity presents itself.
Learn to handle the nuances of factual situations differently than emotional and ethical situations.
Test the corporate culture more actively so that you know when you self-censor your truth for valid reasons and when it’s really not necessary.
Recognize that throughout your career you are likely to encounter situations where you are rewarded and others where you are penalized for speaking your truth. Be prepared for both outcomes, and don’t stop speaking your truth just because you don’t always get your way.
Learn to manage your decisions to speak or stay silent in ways that don’t leave you regretting your decision (either way.)
I’ve been studying and researching this issue for a while and these survey results help crystallize some of the work I’ve been doing with executive coaching clients and myself. Specifically, we tend to get tangled up in some basic myths about truth-telling when we are in the heat of the situation, even when we know better, and buying into the myths tends to make us less effective and more vulnerable to the high risk scenario.
We all know that in the grey zone of business situations, “truth” is rarely an objective fact and that many factors are at play. We know that many situations that call for us to speak our truth are not simple “right/wrong” decisions and that our emotions and everyone else’s run high, and even when we try not to put others on the defensive, including the boss, we don’t always succeed. But having no other way to see truth-telling than through the myths of True/False and Truth/Lies, we too often fall victim to them.
I’m happy to report, however, that there are relatively straightforward ways to address these myths and retrain yourself to speak truth to those in power in your life effectively. You can delve into your truths more deeply to make them more powerful, release the fear and learn how not to put others on the defensive.
I’ll be expanding on this research, including the interesting gender variable, the myths and how to avoid them in upcoming blog posts. I’m also offering the eCourse above with an in-depth exploration of these themes and exercises that you can use to apply to opportunities you have now to learn to speak truth to power effectively and well. It’s an investment not only in advancing your career, but in being true to yourself in every situation every day for the rest of your life. I can’t wait to get started and I hope you’ll join me!
I’m interested to know what you think and what your experience has been with speaking truth to power. Please leave your comments below and share your experience.
InPower Women’s Mastermind
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When I first met Lieutenant General Judith Fedder, I was immediately struck by her poise and presence. Then I noticed the three stars on her shoulder and wanted to know about her experience with power and leadership as one of the most senior ranking women in the military. She was very open and after talking with her at the Pentagon I am so very proud of our gender and our country.
What’s a General’s job? Well, looking at Gen Fedder’s biography, it’s leading a whole lot of people to do a lot of the heavy lifting on the ground to keep the planes in the air and the women and men of the Air Force safe all around the world. According to the official government web site Gen Fedder’s title is Deputy Chief of Staff for Logistics, Installations and Mission Support, Headquarters U.S. Air Force. She reports to the Chief of Staff of the Air Force for “leadership, management and integration of Air Force logistics readiness, aircraft and missile maintenance, civil engineering and security forces, as well as setting policy and preparing budget estimates that reflect enhancements to productivity, combat readiness and quality of life for Air Force people.” Graduating Michigan State University as an ROTC student in 1980, her career has taken her from a BA in dietetics and an MS in Systems Management to managing thousands of people in aircraft maintenance and more. While much of her experience may not be typical of most high-achieving women, I was pleased to find that professional women have more in common with an Air Force General than you might think.
Lt. Gen. Judith Fedder was photographed in the Pentagon on Mar. 14, 2014.
Becoming A Leader
Her entry into leadership was certainly more structured than most women in the commercial sector, but the essence of her experience as a Squadron Commander – her first leadership assignment – might sound familiar to many executives of either gender. She remembers realizing that her job was no longer ‘hands on.’ Leadership is “about getting the right people together and telling them what the end-state is, and then giving them some parameters. And then you tell them, ‘go figure out what the solution is.’”
She learned early on that to help team members succeed she had to give them her insights too, but more importantly she had to believe they could do it and prepare to be surprised by how good their approaches were. There have been many times, she said, when she realized that her people’s solutions were better than what she could have developed on her own. At the moment you let yourself be surprised by their work, she said, you’re a leader. She let go of the need to control the outcome because she realized she didn’t have time to do the work herself and that her job was selecting the right talent and giving them the right support.
Though she learned this lesson early on, she’s still using this leadership approach and inviting others to contribute their best. Watch her leadership style in action speaking last year to the Logistics Officers Association (LOA) and challenging them to be part of the solution to cutting the U.S. defense budget while improving service levels
The Senior Leadership Journey
As many C-Suite executives know well, stepping into leadership is a slightly different challenge than rising through the upper ranks. While a young officer, Gen Fedder was given a lot of support in many forms – including from her bosses, supporting staff and the system the military uses to develop its leaders, including formal education and informal mentoring. The higher she rose, however, the more she realized that she was responsible for more of her own growth and pushing herself to move outside her comfort zone. “You have to professionally stretch yourself. To me that is risk – not to the organization – but risk to what you feel comfortable doing.”
Even with stars on her shoulders Gen Fedder has found herself faced with new situations that challenged her to get outside her past experience and learn new approaches to leadership and success. Some of her most rewarding career experiences have come “when I stretched and tried to learn and tried to adapt to different rule sets and different priorities and kinds of people.” These experiences haven’t necessarily always coincided with her highest achievements, but she treasures them because they changed her, expanded her leadership capability and led her to greater successes later. “Some things have to be hard to be worthwhile,” she said wisely.
She has also learned to let go of unhelpful self-criticism and to accept the experiences where she felt she could have done better as learning opportunities, pick herself up and move on. Discussing both her own learning experiences and those where others were less than mature in how they treated her, she says simply, “you’ve got to figure out what to let roll off your back.”
Her Relationship With “Power”
“There are different kinds of power. Intelligence. Social skill. Position.” Like many professional women, Gen Fedder believes her power derives from the effectiveness of her organization; power comes from your people. “It detracts from the effectiveness of the fighting force if you consolidate the idea of power into a single person. I’m totally comfortable with the power that’s derived from my ability to get people together and accomplish something together.”
When we talked about the internal power that holds a person steady through the kind of leadership journey she’s taken, full of personal stretches and discomfort, Gen Fedder became reflective and a new strength came into her voice. Her inner power “comes from a commitment. At times, I may not believe I have the power to do something in the here and now; I may not understand what you’re telling me; I may not be able to give you a decision right now; but I do have a commitment to serve. I want to respect the uniform. I want to respect all of the Airmen who are part of the Air Force. I know I’ve been given the opportunity to serve at this level and I damn well better give back. If that means stretching, taking risks, going out on a limb doing something that’s uncomfortable to me, then that’s the price I have to pay. I get strength from knowing it’s payback time.”
Women In The Military & Diversity In The Military
Gen Fedder’s view of women in the military was fascinating, especially from the viewpoint of someone not in the service. There is no equality in the military – by design. “When we all get in a room, we’re not equals and it’s very obvious,” she said, referring to the rank displayed on her uniform. “We’re more intimidated by rank than by gender.”
Of course the headlines tell us this can be a double-edged sword for lower ranked women in the military as well as the commercial sector, and other minorities when they find themselves in situations where both rank and gender may put them at a disadvantage, but this wasn’t Gen Fedder’s experience. In her experience diversity has made the military stronger. For example, in managing discipline problems among the younger Airmen when she commanded units of all sizes, she’s found that having people from different cultures, schools, ethnic and gender perspectives has helped her achieve better outcomes.
She has noticed that the dynamic can change when women are in a room with military men. “The men are more polite,” she said smiling. She believes this contributes to a collegial atmosphere and better decisions because more ideas get out on the table and the resultant discussion is richer.
Like her dedication to her uniform, however, her duty as a military officer comes before her gender. “I’m not going to be looking at things as a female, but from the perspective of my training.”
Work-Life As A Career Officer
Gen Fedder had a perspective on work-life balance that many professional women can relate to, and she believes it’s helped her be a more deliberate and intentional parent to her son, now an officer in the Air Force. “My role as a career officer compelled me – drove me – to be more balanced and to take opportunities to do things with my son or do things together as a family.” She had help, too. Her husband retired from his military career to move around the world with the family and take the majority of the kid-duty as she moved higher and higher. It’s worked for their family, and both mother and father are very proud of their son. She also felt it was important to be a good role model for her son and give him an expansive definition of what women could do. “I wanted him to know he has options when it comes to finding a partner.”
“When you’ve got less time, you know you’ve got to make better use of it,” she said, reflecting also on the fact that there were happy times and times when discipline was called for. Getting to know her and the discipline she has exerted in her own career journey, I can’t imagine that discipline was a problem in her household.
As we closed the interview I asked her for advice for my son who is considering a military career. Besides encouraging him to get good grades and be physically fit, I thought her advice to him was a good reminder for professional women, young people and everyone: “Get involved and do something to stretch yourself. Look for opportunities to boost your confidence and find out what you’re capable of.”
Executive Coach Dana Theus shares her tried and true strategies to help women excel in higher levels of leadership and achieve their executive potential.
